relationships

The Dating App I Never Wanted… and What God Showed Me Through It

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment
Woman sitting on a rock overlooking water at sunset, reflecting quietly

This piece is even more transparent than what I usually write, but sometimes it’s the things written in the trenches that God uses most. And, frankly, I felt God leaning on me to share. So let’s go.

After a few years of widowhood, I’ve reached the point where I’m seriously considering the possibility of getting married again. Getting here has taken time and many counseling sessions with God as my therapist.

He’s even told me I’m ready to meet someone, which is remarkable. Marriage to a narcissist leaves you carrying a lot of baggage that can be very hard to get rid of. It feels like it’s taken a piece of forever to get where I am today.

So, on a random day not long ago, God decided it was time to take a step.

He told me to set up a profile on a specific dating site.

His instructions made no sense to me. This dating app is so expensive there was no way—even for Him—that I would willingly consider that kind of commitment.

Judge me if you will, but I have an aversion to the whole idea of dating sites—for me. Still utterly confused by His insistence, I signed up for the free plan and determined to cautiously dip my toes in the water.

The extensive profile questions proved truly educational. They forced me to consider how I really feel about certain things. I had to ask myself, “Am I answering based on who I’ve always been, or who I’m becoming?”

But the real education came when I started getting matches. All I could do with the free site was look at their profiles, which I did. I rejected one after another, only “liking” one because I wanted to see what happened when you liked someone—and he was safely located several states away. Why was I rejecting these men? Honestly, for stupid reasons. Except… 

God called another counseling session in which He showed me just how much fear still hid in my heart, and it wasn’t fear of the men.

I wasn’t rejecting them; I was rejecting me.

Bottom Line: I was afraid of hurting someone. The thought of potentially holding someone else’s heart in my hand, not knowing if I had what it took to make him happy, doubting that I would be enough…

Frankly, it scared me—and I hadn’t even realized it until God made it clear.

I felt such shame. I’ve really thought I was trusting God completely where potential relationships are concerned. I have faith in God!

But, as He’s reminded me a few times through the years (because I need reminders), when I fail to have faith in myself, when I let that fear settle in, it affects my ability to trust Him. Fear pulls the rug out from under our faith, so we must seek it out and cast it away.

I repented of course; I’ve learned that much for sure! I started actively casting down those doubts when they arise and have renewed my commitment to trust Him without reservation.

If God wants me to get married again, He will bring the right man and we’ll be blessed. It’s inevitable. Never in my life has He failed me, and He won’t fail me now. And if I’m not meant to marry again? That’s cool too. I love the life I’m living.

Getting back to the counseling session, in the end God told me to cancel my membership, that the app had served its purpose. Being who I am, I asked Him to clarify what He meant.

His answer didn’t surprise me. He knew what was hidden in my heart and chose to use the dating app like a mirror so I could see it for myself.

Psalm 139:23–24 (NLT) says:

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
     test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
     and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

I want this. I pray this prayer with the psalmist because only when my heart is cleansed and my anxious thoughts are conquered can I truly stop doing things that offend Him. 

Walking the path God has laid out for me is vitally important to me. I never want to risk veering from it even a little bit, and certainly not because of anxious thoughts.

And the beautiful thing? God is always faithful to answer this prayer! When I’m not quite right, He lets me know.

It’s generally God’s own Word that He uses as a mirror, to help me see where I’m missing it. Honestly, this is one of the best reasons for reading the Bible; it has unique power to open our eyes to see things in ourselves we may prefer to ignore.

God also speaks to me personally, gently showing me where I’ve disappointed Him or when I could have behaved in a more godly way.

And then there are the surprising times, like this one, when He tells me to do something that seems utterly ridiculous or follow a path I find completely incomprehensible. I’ve learned to obey anyway, because I know He doesn’t do anything without a purpose.

In this case, that purpose wasn’t meeting someone.

It was revealing something.

God knew exactly what was hidden in my heart. He simply used the dating app as a mirror so I could see it too.

God will use the most unexpected things to help us see what’s hiding in our hearts.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

PS: If you, too, are recovering from a narcissistic relationship, you are enough! Even if you’re carrying baggage like I have been, God can help you deal with it, unpack it, and kick it to the curb.

One Thing About Technology

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

A few days ago, I had a conversation with someone I highly respect. He’s a fantastic husband and father, an astute businessman, and is actively involved in ministry. As we talked, we somehow got on the topic of technology and how, thanks to him essentially having a computer in his hand, he can work all the time.

More to the point, he explained that he has to fight the tendency to work all the time. It’s too easy to be answering a text message and then flip over for just a minute to respond to a work email…that turns into dealing with more work emails. He said he reaches a point where he has to literally put the phone down and walk away.

There are many studies out there showing how dangerous too much screen time is for young children and how hard it can be for many preteens and teens to interact in the real world because they’ve spent years primarily communicating via their phones. However, as our conversation revealed, the problem isn’t just with them.

I’m writing a book. I’ve been talking about it for a while, but after months of struggling I’m finally back to actively writing instead of just thinking about it. How? I put the laptop away and pulled out pen and paper.

As he shared his story with me, my own experience was running through my head, because I’d found myself with the same problem. I’d sit down to write, pull up Word, and get a notification from one of my apps. Or I’d want to clarify something I was referring to, google for information, and fall down a rabbit hole. I finally realized that, if I wanted to actually get the book written, I needed to take a few steps backwards.

Years ago, I was a regular writer for a homeschool magazine, and at one point I drafted an article while on a flight to meet with my editor. When she expressed interest in seeing the draft, I said, “Let me get my notebook.” She thought I was referring to a laptop, but I literally meant an old-fashioned, spiral-bound notebook. THAT is what I’ve gone back to: Paper and pen.

That one change is making all the difference. I don’t even write most of my blog posts on the computer anymore because paper and pen are so much more powerful. And for me to even type those words is ridiculous, because I’ve been endorsing the power of pen-and-paper journaling for years. I was just a little slow applying the same principles to my regular writing. There are so many benefits!

The biggest benefit for me is that putting ink on paper slows me down. I’ve mentioned before that my thoughts tend to run at warp speed sometimes, and writing them down instead of typing them out forces me to take the time to truly consider what I’m trying to say and how best to say it. Yes, I often need to confirm references, verify quotes, or whatever, but I try to wait until I’m finished to handle anything that might get me caught in the technology trap. In the meantime, I make margin notes or highlights or have a scratch pad beside me for notes about things I need to tweak later.

Obviously, I’ll eventually head back to the computer and get it all typed up, but the tradeoff of having to do what others might consider double the work is more than fair – because now the work is actually getting done instead of being set aside in favor of technology’s snare.

That’s one thing about technology that reminds me of my years of helping homeschoolers. I would tell them, “Curriculum is a tool for you to use. Don’t let it use you.” Likewise, today, I remind myself, “Technology is a tool for you to use.”

And I’m telling us both, “Don’t let it use you.”

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

It’s OK to be an Introvert

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

The Internet abounds with jokes about introverts – usually jokes that introverts came up with in the first place. We know who and what we are, after all, and we know you extraverts really have a hard time understanding us. You know what’s funny? We have a hard time understanding you, too.

Interestingly, a session in one marriage conference I attended shocked a lot of us. Most of the couples in the meeting were made up of one introvert and one extravert. It really made me wonder if most successful, well-balanced couples do comprise both.

What shocked me even more than that, though, was how many of the others in the group didn’t even know which they were, or they thought they or their partner was one when in fact they were the other! I’ve known about the two for so long that to me it seemed like common knowledge, something most people have a pretty good grasp of. Based on a recent conversation, however, I’m really not so sure anymore.

In this conversation, I was gently corrected for calling myself an introvert. The person urged me to not talk about myself that way, that I’m not an introvert anymore – as if being an introvert is a bad thing.

It’s not! In fact, you can’t really switch from being an introvert to an extravert (or vice versa) without something very unusual happening to trigger it. Here’s the thing…

The primary difference between introverts and extraverts
is in how we recharge our batteries.

That’s it! It’s not that introverts are shy or afraid of people or have a phobia about crowds. In fact, those who know me in person generally assume I’m an extravert because my lifestyle has led me to learn how to adapt and act like everyone expects me to. We introverts, while we do generally prefer quiet and value our alone time, are usually quite able to be involved in society.

We’re not “sick” or “weak” or lacking in any way. Once I’ve talked myself into it, I can go to your big, loud party and have a good time as much as the extravert next to me can. The difference is that your big, loud party energizes the extraverts, leaving them charged up and ready to take on the world, while everything about it is draining my batteries.

It’s ok, my batteries can handle the drain. I can also arrange to minimize it. For instance, rather than moving constantly around the room, working the crowd so to speak, I may park myself off to the side and enjoy visiting with a few, select people for a while.

I simply have to know myself, and ensure I have a chance to recharge. Depending on the situation, I may not do a thing different than anyone else. On the other hand, you may see me disappear into the bathroom or onto the back porch for a bit of alone time. It doesn’t usually take all that long; just finding someplace away from all the activity and noise for a few minutes is generally sufficient to enable me to get back out there and have more fun.

And then I go home and bask in the peace and quiet that I need to fully recharge.

And that’s good too.

So, introverts, don’t let anyone make anyone make you feel “less than.” We’re ok!

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C