I wrote the following on September 5th.
Here Again, But I’m OK
Third time in a month.
This time he is being admitted.
It never ceases to amaze me what I end up being capable of. The me of thirty years ago… Could she have handled this life without completely falling apart?
In a word?
But God knew what I would face today, and He spent years building me up, strengthening my faith and teaching me that I CAN. I can, truly, do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I posted on Facebook, recently, asking friends to comment if they had a list of life experiences they would not wish on their worst enemy, but they knew it was those experiences that had molded them into the strong people they are today. My hand was the first one up, and several others followed. It’s true.
It is being tempered in the fire that makes the steel strong.
It is the buffeting of the wind that makes a tree strong.
It is the trials I face that make me strong – if I let them.
Here I sit with him in the ER, knowing he’s potentially facing an extended hospital stay.
And I’m ok.
I trust that, whatever tomorrow brings, I will be ok then too.
Which brings us to “tomorrow.”
Today I’m a Widow.
He passed away on October 1st, in the evening, less than an hour after a group of us left his nursing home room. They’d told me just a few hours earlier that they thought he was transitioning, but it was so out of the blue that I really couldn’t believe it. He’d told me many times in recent months that he wished he didn’t have to live, so personally I think he simply chose to quit. And I don’t blame him. Now he’s in Heaven, and he is FREE. He is free of the demons he fought. He is free of the illnesses in his body. He is free of the dementia that had begun to manifest. He is now the man God had always intended him to be.
And me? I’m still ok. In fact, I’m more than ok; I’m doing very well. I, too, am free. I am free of the increasing pressure of being a 24/7 caregiver who also worked a full-time job. I am free of the stresses of dealing with a man who was almost daily growing more angry and disoriented. I am also free of the guilt that tried to crawl all over me at first because of just how free I feel.
This has been an amazing time for me. God has been speaking to me so much, probably in part because I’ve been spending so much more time with Him, and I have such a peace that it’s mind blowing. No matter the challenges I face in coming months and years, I know He is with me and I am hid in Him.
And through Christ I can do ALL things!