Review: Hope for Healing from Domestic Abuse

A domestic abuse survivor recommended that I read Hope for Healing from Domestic Abuse: Reaching for God’s Promise of Real Freedom, by Karen DeArmond Gardner. I took her advice because, as I hope I’ve made clear, I’m no expert on this topic. I can and will speak from my own experience and the stories others have shared with me, but I truly feel inadequate; I’m doing it because God has pushed me to, not because I consider myself qualified.

I do feel qualified, however, to recommend this book. It has not only educated me in areas of abuse and results of abuse that I’ve not dealt with, it has also forced me to deal with some things I didn’t even realize were issues in my life.

I never experienced physical abuse. Gardner did, so if you’ve been reading my posts and thinking, “Tammy, you just don’t know,” here’s someone who does, and she lived with the abuse for decades. She also experienced pretty much every other kind of abuse, which is why I found myself in these pages as well.

In case you’re still wondering, Hope for Healing from Domestic Abuse is for all of us – even those who are still living in their own personal hells, under their abusers’ control, and don’t know how to get out.

Gardner divides the book into sections that equate with the walk we all take on our journey to healing. In Part 1, we deal with the fact that we are, or were, victims. In Part 2, we’re survivors learning to breathe again. Part 3 introduces the overcomer, the one who learns to live again. In Part 4 we meet the Conqueror who can live freely. No, it’s not a literal roadmap. As is true with most things, we all have our own, unique experiences. However, the ground she covers is vast.

As you can see in the photo of my copy, I’ve done some serious marking and flagging. One of my favorite quotes, because it reflects exactly what I’ve been saying about my own experience, is found in Part 3.

“Your life will not be defined by what was done to you, but by what God does with what was done to you.”

Karen DeArmond Gardner

Gardner’s brutal honesty, with herself and us, is eye-opening. As many truths as I had already recognized about my own experience, with her help I saw even more. “Yes!” I shouted at one point. “Yes, it WAS abuse, and all this time I thought it was normal!”

Recovering from any abuse takes time. Recovering from domestic abuse definitely takes time, and patience, and honesty, and a willingness to be open to God’s touch in your life. This book is a great place to start that process and Gardner walks you carefully through the mine field of your memories and emotions, leads you right up to Jesus, and gives you practical steps to take to help you on your way.

Even her last section, after the official four parts, offers unexpected assistance.

  • How Does God Know What It Feels Like to be a Woman?
    Yes, she honestly answers this question.
  • Your Picker Isn’t Broken
    When you are ready to marry again, you will know what to look for.
  • Eight Questions You Don’t Have to Answer
    People inevitably ask questions. That doesn’t mean you owe them an answer.
  • God, Church, and Abuse
    Realistically, a lot of abuse happens that the church has no idea how to handle.
  • What Can the Church Do?
    This one is directed at church leadership, and it’s excellent!
  • Say This, Not That
    And this is for your friends, to help them understand.

As a fellow member of the club no one ever wants to join, Gardner has done right by the rest of us!

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Do the Small Things

Do you remember those stories from the Bible where God asked people to do something relatively simple and then He all-out went supernatural on them?

He’s still in the same business today, and this blog is a great example of Him at work.

You are probably well aware that authors write not only because we are compelled to, but because we want to reach people, share our excitement about new things we’re learning, offer suggestions for life…whatever. In my case in particular, you get a true hodge podge of American History, living with a narcissist, aphantasia, my tiny house, a lot of Jesus, and we – even I – never know what randomness to expect.

But it’s not really totally random. I try to be led by God in all things. I have dreams, and for the most part they’re dreams He has given me. Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.” I firmly believe that He gives us those desires, meaning He plants them in our hearts, and then He fulfills them. He does that with me on a regular basis. Knowing this is how He operates, I really do consciously go to Him for direction, especially for this blog He has called me to maintain.

So, when he asks me to do the small things, I try to be faithful to do them, and in recent months He’s gone supernatural on – in a huge way.

First, He had me write Understanding Your Aphant. Then, right after I posted it, He had me share it in an aphantasia support group on Facebook to see if there were any ways in which I could improve it. There were some excellent suggestions, and I implemented a few.

I was unaware that someone in that group had contact with Aphantasia.com, and that person brought my blog post to their attention. The result was that they published it as an article on the website and started pushing traffic toward tammycardwell.com. I was blown away by the response. As I said, I write with a heart that desires to help people. And the more people you have reading what you write, the more people you can help!

But that was just a taste of what was to come. I still can’t get over this next one.

I recently joined a Small Spaces group on Facebook to get more ideas for my tiny house. After I’d been there a day or so, at His prompting, I shared about my home and what I’m doing in it. It was a simple post with a few photos, nothing great.

It was a small thing.

The simple post exploded with comments and questions. In answering, I shared the link to this blog, pointing out my Tiny House series, so that anyone who was interested could come read those posts and get far more details than I could offer up in post comments.

Again, I just shared a link. A small thing.

Within a very few minutes, I was getting notifications that I was experiencing “unprecedented traffic.” On that day this blog, which generally gets less than 100 views a day, got almost 9,000 views from nearly 4,000 visitors all over the world. That’s thousands of people seeing my website for the first time, visiting for one topic and hopefully getting some Jesus while they were here. (If you know me at all, you know where my true priorities lie.)

And, vitally important, because of one seemingly insignificant comment I made, I had the opportunity to encourage some women who are dealing with serious issues I’ve dealt with personally. This was a huge honor; one I cannot overemphasize. After all, the greatest thing about coming through trials is being able to help others see hope while they walk that same path.

So yes, I have recently had more reminders that God is our dream keeper, and have seen once again that all I have to do is what He tells me to. He didn’t tell me to do big things. He told me to do small things.

Do the small things.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

The Word is Soar

Photo Credit: Barry Hatch

It is common among Christians to have a word or a verse for the year. I have had either or both many times, but I don’t generally pick them out myself. At least, I can’t remember ever having chosen one. If I have a word for the year, it’s because God says, “It’s _____.” In 2023 the word was FREEDOM, and if you know my story you understand why.

My word for 2024, according to God, is SOAR.

Believe me, had I been doing the choosing I would specifically have NOT chosen this word because of the cliche sound of “Soar in ’24.” I know God, though, and I understand full well that He has a plan in everything he does, a purpose for even the smallest moves He makes. So, I accepted the word as my own and started talking to Him about it.

He will likely reveal more as we move along through the year, but recently He drew me up short with a question. I don’t remember the exact way He phrased it, but His point was that I need to pay attention to what an eagle is doing when it soars. I started really thinking about it, and my jaw dropped open. Seriously, while driving down the road a fly could have flown in before I snapped my mouth shut.

What does an eagle do when it soars?

Not much.

Seriously! Eagles, airplanes, whatever… Getting off the ground takes work. Reaching the right altitude requires energy. But when they get up there? Once an eagle is at the right altitude and in that mode, once they’re soaring, the heavy lifting is done. To oversimplify it, all they need to do at that point is set their wings and ride the wind.

Am I saying God is promising to make 2024 easy for me? Not even. I do believe, however, that He is saying I’ve worked hard in some areas, and in those areas I’m about to hit the right altitude and soar, only having to put out the effort required to stay in the air while I glide and enjoy the view.

I’m seeing hints of such in the stats for this blog. They’re more promising than they have been in years and let me tell you, if you pour yourself into something like this it makes a huge difference when you start seeing certain signs. In this case, I’ve had a definite uptick in search engines bringing new readers my way. If you know you know!

Anyway, that’s my word, and I look forward to learning more about it, about what God intends it to mean for me. I’d love to hear about your word, or verse, or quote, and how you anticipate it affecting your walk in 2024.

In meantime, I’m preparing to set my wings and ride the wind.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

To Not Try is to Fail

No, it’s not art. It’s self-care.

I had a follow-up with my primary care this week and was reminded about what he told me several months back: “It’s time to do something just for Tammy.” My mental health was his concern for so many years that, while he loves the changes he sees, he wants me to make a point to keep moving forward.

I’ve been wanting to learn watercolor for a while, so I decided to have that be the Tammy thing; I even bought supplies before Christmas. I’ve mentioned my plan before. I think I’ve also shared that I have an issue; I tend to not try things because I expect myself to do everything right the first time even though I know I won’t.

Yes, that’s ridiculous. I’m being transparent here. Okay? I do understand the saying, “Nothing ventured nothing gained,” and I’m officially working on it this time.

So… today I pulled out the paints and other supplies and decided to just play. What you see above is actually my second play sheet. Here, you can see the first.

Today was all about learning how everything worked – the paper, the brushes, the watercolors, and even the water itself. I gave myself permission to do the ridiculous, to create ugly, to fail. In doing so, I learned a lot, and have a solid plan for the next time I pull out my supplies. knowing what I learned today, next time will be better.

We live in a world that demands the appearance of perfection. Your TikTok must be just right for people to hit the follow button and the algorithm to make you visible. Your Instagram posts show only the best side of life. Your Facebook feed is filled with what appears to be perfect families.

And we know perfect families don’t really exist!

So I’m here to challenge you to rebel. Try something new, and give yourself permission to fail. Not fail permanently of course; that’s no fun. Just allow yourself time to learn without giving in to frustration at your own lack of experience. Don’t stop at the first hurdle; keep running the race.

It can be very relaxing, freeing even, to just sit there, mutter, “What if…?” and then try. It might fascinate you to find out.

If you’ve read about my tiny house life, no. None of this will be going into the frames on my kitchen wall. But some day I’ll share a post with those frames filled. After all, I’ve taken the first step in that direction.

Celebrating Jesus!

Tammy C

The Woman in the Basket

In Zechariah chapter 5 we see our prophet friend having an absolutely bizarre vision, one I’ve heard more than one person attempt to explain – never in a way that made sense to me. But I may finally understand it.

Then the angel who was talking with me came forward and said, “Look up and see what’s coming.”
“What is it?” I asked.
He replied, “It is a basket for measuring grain, and it’s filled with the sins of everyone throughout the land.”
Then the heavy lead cover was lifted off the basket, and there was a woman sitting inside it.
The angel said, “The woman’s name is Wickedness,” and he pushed her back into the basket and closed the heavy lid again.
Then I looked up and saw two women flying toward us, gliding on the wind. They had wings like a stork, and they picked up the basket and flew into the sky.
“Where are they taking the basket?” I asked the angel.
He replied, “To the land of Babylonia, where they will build a temple for the basket. And when the temple is ready, they will set the basket there on its pedestal.”

Zechariah 5:5-11 NLT

According to the vision…

  • The basket is filled with the sins of everyone throughout the land.
  • The woman’s name is Wickedness.
  • The basket will be taken to Babylon.
  • A temple will be built for the basket.
  • The basket will be placed on a pedestal in the temple.

As a reminder, Old Testament prophesies are sometimes literal and sometimes figurative. They also can have multiple fulfillments. With that in mind…

Working our way backwards through this list, it becomes clear that the basket or, more accurately, what it contains, will be worshipped. This is, after all, what happens in temples. Just as God was worshipped in the Temple built for Him, this basket’s contents will be worshipped in the temple built for it.

I’m thinking a figurative temple.

The temple will be built in Babylon, which in the Bible represents the world’s system.

So, if I read this prophecy correctly, it’s telling us that the world’s system will worship wickedness and sin.

Which it takes little discernment to see pretty much sums up the condition of the world right now. Today’s society condones just about everything God condemns. In fact, it doesn’t just condone sin; it exalts sin, pushing it to the forefront in every arena possible, sadly even in the church. The world system we live in, indeed, worships sin and wickedness.

As I see it, this is just one more sign of how close we are to The End.

Celebrating Jesus and looking for His return!
Tammy C

Hitting the Hard Stuff

“Tammy, what are you doing? You know this is a topic best avoided.”

Perhaps, but drinking alcohol is a subject that comes up often among Christians, one I occasionally get asked about, which means fellow believers are honestly wondering where I stand. I’m not afraid to answer the question.

The Bible contains numerous, obvious warnings against drinking to excess, so let’s take that off the table entirely. Yes, I firmly believe that drinking to excess is wrong on many levels and is, indeed, sin. Having lived with alcoholics (and an abusive alcoholic at that), I had strong feelings on this topic long before I found confirmation in the Bible.

So today we’re talking about casual drinking, occasional drinking, social drinking.

And my simple answer is this: I’m not your Holy Ghost. If you are honestly and sincerely seeking God and a deeper relationship with Him, if you are asking the Holy Spirit for guidance with a heart that beats to please your Lord, you will get your answer straight from the Source. This is true about anything; you can take all things to God and get answers from Him. 

The fact is that God meets each of us as individuals, giving us many instructions about things to do and not to do that may or may not be clearly indicated in the Bible. Sometimes there is a concrete reason, like God telling me to back off the sodas because the addiction was harming my body. Yes, I said addiction, and giving in to addictions is a huge mistake: If you obey an addiction over God’s instruction, you are making the addiction an idol. Idol worship is sin.

Sometimes God instructs us to do, or not do, things simply so that we can practice obedience. I have literally had a conversation with God in which He asked me, “Will you give up ____?” It took me a minute, but I said, “Yes, if You want me to I will.” He then told me I didn’t need to, that He was asking to find out where my heart really was, and so that I could see where my heart really was.

Again, anything that is more important to us than God is an idol, and where there are idols there is sin.

I know, a lot of words for a simple answer.

So, here’s my personal response.

Alcohol has never been a real draw for me, even on those rare occasions when I did drink. However, I’ve sought God on the topic a lot since I actively started serving Him, because I know it is a major issue for many others. I have God-loving Christian friends who think drinking is of the devil, and equally God-loving Christian friends who see no problem with it at all as long as it’s not to excess, as long as they’re not giving control over to the alcohol. (Yes, that’s a fine line to draw since you often do not recognize the point at which you lose control.)

For years, I’ve considered it best not to drink simply because I don’t want to set an example that causes anyone else to stumble. Jesus and Paul were both pretty firm on this point, a fact that was enough for me to choose not to drink just in case there was anyone watching who would be hurt. Then I saw something else several years ago while reading the book of Leviticus. In Leviticus 10:9-10, God commanded Aaron to ensure that none of the priests drank wine or strong drink when going into the Tabernacle.

There was no place for wine or strong drink, or one who was being influenced by such things, in the Tabernacle. Yes, that’s Old Testament; I get it. But here’s this.

“Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.”

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NLT – NOTE: New Testament

There it is: The connection. Tabernacle…temple…essentially the same thing.

You can look at this two ways. The first way I saw it was that I am essentially a priest who, 24/7, ministers in the temple that is my body. In that case, I have no business bringing wine or strong drink into the temple. Then there is the fact that my body IS the temple and, whether or not you think of me as a priest ministering in the temple, I have no business bringing alcohol inside.

Again, to make myself abundantly clear, I am not your Holy Ghost. I am merely sharing what God has shown me. I’m not judging anyone. Shoot, when I was visiting a friend’s church and accidently took communion from the cup that held real wine, I didn’t feel like I had done wrong and needed to repent. (It felt more like making a sacrifice, actually. To my tastebuds there is no good wine.)

 And yes, the tabernacle/temple analogy holds true in a lot of ways. I have great responsibility to take care of my body specifically because it is the temple of the Holy Ghost. That’s why I hardly drink any sodas anymore and have cut way back on sugar yet again.

“Yet again?” you ask? Right: Addiction is real. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve given up sodas, how many times I’ve cut back on sugar. I have to regulate my intake carefully because it’s far too easy to slip right back into that addiction. This is actually why I recently wrote my post entitled “Thankful for the Hard Things.” I am genuinely thankful that now, when those temptations arise, I can remind myself that I’ve already had a TIA and don’t want to do anything that might lead to another. I’ve had my wake up call. I will heed it.

So there it is. I’ve dared tackle one of the most controversial issues in Christianity. Feel free to disagree with me; many do.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

But This Will Never Change

When we were young, my sister and my favorite Christmas tradition was loading up on Christmas morning and heading to our grandparents’ house where the whole clan had gathered. But my grandparents eventually had to stop hosting, and that tradition changed.

As young kids, Christmas was a magical time and the gifts were great. Then came the year when, as a single mom, Mother could only give us each a skirt and a piece of candy. Through the decades, changing financial situations have had major effects on my Christmases.

Christmas, like everything else, is subject to change. We have to be able to shift and flex whether we like it or not, whether our kids like it or not. Even we change, in the ways we perceive the holiday and interact with those we spend time with, even just those who cross our paths.

But one thing remains constant; one thing will never change.

No matter what we think about Him, how we relate to Him or refuse to relate to Him, Jesus will always be there for us. We celebrate His birthday at Christmas for that reason.

And as long as we keep our focus on Him and the real reason for the season, we can handle all of those other changes. If we don’t get a single gift from man, we who have accepted Jesus as Savior and Lord have already received the greatest gift of all – forever with Him.

Celebrating Jesus!

Tammy C

He Let Everyone Hear

In Luke 23:34 NLT, you read, “Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.‘“ This line always makes me pause, because it shows His tremendous love for the people, His mercy, and His grace, but there is another verse in this chapter that also makes me sit up and take notice.

Think about every crucifixion scene you’ve ever watched. Almost always, you hear Jesus gasp out words just before he dies.

But that’s not what happened.

“Then Jesus shouted, ‘Father, I entrust my spirit into your hands!’ And with those words he breathed his last.”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭23:46‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Did you see it?

Jesus SHOUTED.

At the end, He left no room for doubt. With a voice that could be heard by everyone present, this man for whom shouting should have been a physical impossibility (google crucifixion) let everyone know that God was His father and that He was still the one in control. By all rights, it should have taken several more hours for Him to die, but He very publicly died when HE chose.

Everyone present had to recognize the significance, so it’s really no surprise that the soldier made his declaration in verse 47.

They were all there either to mourn or to mock and jeer. They were also there, whether they liked it or not, to hear.

Celebrating Jesus!

Tammy C

Merry Christmas to Me!

Here I sit, thinking about Christmas, and my heart is so full it could almost be Thanksgiving. I decided to come share, and find myself oddly short on words. So this may be a “scribble scrabble letter,” as Jo March would say. (I don’t have a copy of Little Women, so feel free to correct the quote in the comments.)

Although Jack passed on October 1st last year, it feels like it’s Christmas that marks the true end of my first year of freedom. I was still finding my way in those first few months, navigating “new widowhood” waters. So much has changed.

Things are still changing, as I’m recognizing ingrained “training” and countering it. Like the day, only a few months ago, when I realized I was rushing through a store and stopped in the middle of an aisle, frozen by the realization that I was still acting as if he were at home growing progressively angrier at my absence. There was NO ONE, other than me, who cared where I was or what I was doing. Yes, I intentionally slowed down and chose to enjoy the process.

So, side note: When you’re coming out of an abusive relationship, realize that it will take time to deal with all your baggage. That was a heavy backpack I’d not even realized I was wearing.

So many wonderful things have happened in the past year. Relationships that had been strained (because of him) have been growing increasingly stronger. My emotional health has improved unimaginably. And my physical health, TIA aside, has been great too.

Where my body is concerned, I’ve had more money and mental real estate to invest in taking care of me. I’d tried before, because I knew I had to stay healthy to keep him healthy, but his care had always been the priority. Now I am at a place where I know what works for me and I’m able to plan to maintain. For instance, knowing I’ll go months without widows’ benefits, I’ve been buying my key supplements in advance. Part of them anyway. I could never have done that before.

The biggest change is peace. I always tried to stay focused on God, and had His gift of peace, but the peace that comes from no constant strife and no 24/7 television? That is something I still delight over. My home is so quiet most of the time that…it’s bliss.

And it’s true. I really don’t own a television and it’s by choice. Many people think I’m nuts, but on those rare occasions when I’m in the mood, like during this season of The Voice, I watch with my sister on the couch that’s only steps away. (And yes, I’m glad Huntley won, though I felt the last four all could have.)

I’ve been asked if I plan to stay in my tiny home until Jesus comes back. Yes, unless God has a different plan, I do. I am happier here than I have been anywhere. I hate housework, and this requires almost none. I love silence and this gives me much. I have family right here, and love the casual time I spend with them.

Yeah, that’s a big part of why I’m so thankful this Christmas season. Casual fellowship with family is a beautiful thing. It doesn’t have to be planned; it just happens. Even my grandson pops in on occasion, sometimes with his fiancé, and that sort of thing never would have happened before. Frankly, it would have made me uncomfortable on many levels back when Jack ruled the house.

As I celebrate Jesus this season and look to 2024 with anticipation, my heart is full. There were so many years when… Nah, not even going to think about those years. They’re over. God has brought me into a new season.

“Look, the winter is past, and the rains are over and gone. The flowers are springing up, the season of singing birds has come, and the cooing of turtledoves fills the air.”
‭‭Song of Songs‬ ‭2:11-12‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Celebrating Jesus!

Tammy C

Carry Your Own Cross

“And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me,
you cannot be my disciple.”

Luke 14:27 NLT

I’m reading through the book of Luke in preparation for Christmas, and after much thought decided I needed to back up to this verse for a bit.

We celebrate Christmas in honor of Jesus, who is the greatest gift. He came, by His own choice, to die so that we could live. It’s important to note that He didn’t come to bring salvation as it is sometimes casually viewed – essentially a get out of jail free card. He came so that we can LIVE. We aren’t only looking forward to eternity in His presence, but to a full and abundant life right here, a life that counts where His Kingdom is concerned.

Foundational to living, truly living, is being His disciple. Those who heard Him that day, in Luke 14, knew exactly what He was saying when He used the word “disciple.” To be someone’s disciple is to follow their example in all things. It is also to accept and act on their instruction and guidance as they strive to help you mature. Jesus was actually making the offer to all who heard Him, but few would accept the invitation. Why?

In verse 28 He commanded them, “But don’t begin until you count the cost.”

This is wisdom, as He warned in Luke 9:62 NLT: “But Jesus told him, ‘Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God.'”

Jesus had already let them know in verse 26 that, if they wanted to be His disciples, they had to count Him as more important than everyone else in their lives, including themselves. And then came verse 27: “And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple.”

This verse is quoted so often than I’m not sure we really see it anymore, that we’re not paying full attention to what He’s saying here. I even remember thinking, during one of the really bad times with my husband, “If he is my cross to bear, then I will bear it,” but this verse means so much more!

“But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the Law. When he was hung on the cross, he took upon himself the curse of our wrong doing. For it is written in the Scriptures, ‘Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree.‘”

Galatians 3:13 NLT

As Christians, we look at this verse and we love it. And why not?! This amazing act of mercy, Christ taking all of our sins on Himself, washing them away with His own blood, changed our lives forever!

But let’s go back to the gathering in Luke 14 and think about where their heads were, where their thoughts must have gone. They couldn’t see what was coming. They were limited by their own knowledge and experience. In their world a cross served one purpose, and Jesus had just told them they would have to take up a cross that would be particularly their own. They wouldn’t be helping Him carry His cross as Simon the Cyrene was forced to do. He was asking each of them to take up their own cross.

This had to set them back, throw them for the proverbial loop. Because they knew.

They knew…
The cross was a sign of being cursed.
The cross was a very public tool of death.
The cross was a clear mark that you were a criminal.
The cross was intentionally demoralizing.
The cross was a cause of shame for the criminal’s family.
The cross was physically backbreaking before you were even put on it.
The cross was an incredibly slow and agonizing death.

If anyone wanted to be His disciple, they had to accept the reality that the cross, at least figuratively, could very well be in their future. Far from offering them the life of comfort many were currently enjoying, the life His abundant miracles might have implied, the life of sunshine and roses that Christians sometimes foolishly promise to potential converts today, He was laying out a heavy truth.

And here it is.

As Christians, genuine disciples of Jesus, while we look forward to the mountaintop experiences, it’s best to be prepared for the hard seasons that will inevitably come, to consider the cost ahead of time and be ready so that we won’t be tempted to look back. Like Jesus, we can expect to be hated, vilified, attacked unmercifully, laughed at, and more.

So… are you ready?

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C