My Testimony

Drop it!

Tammy M Cardwell1 Comment

Have you ever seen a dog chewing on something that would potentially harm it, and watched the owner give the sharp command, “Drop it!”?

Twice this week I’ve heard God say, “Drop it!”

The first time was when worry was trying to set in. Having dealt with anxiety and depression in the past, worry is a dangerous thing for me to be chewing on. Nevertheless, I was letting myself dwell on a certain mistake I’d made, and all of its possible repercussions, when I heard God’s voice. “Drop it!”

After I paused and intentionally dropped it, taking control of my thought processes, I had the vision of the owner and his dog. I laughed, and realized this particular lesson is one I’ll remember.

Then, today, I was mulling over how someone had misrepresented me. I know it sounds shallow, but that’s something I really don’t appreciate. The thing is, when you continue to dwell on something like that, chewing on thoughts of how offensive someone’s actions are, you venture into the realm of unforgiveness, which is seriously dangerous territory. I was headed in that direction when, once again, I heard the command, “Drop it!”

Dropping those thoughts took a little more effort, and some help from God, but I got me under control and I thank Him for it. I cannot afford to get into the sin of unforgiveness. I can’t afford to let anything at all hinder my walk with God.

So yeah…

When He says those words, I’m gonna make like the dog and drop it!

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

A Different Kind of New Year’s Post

Tammy M Cardwell9 Comments

I listen to the clock ticking, and it is a comforting sound. Why?

Silence.

For the first time in many years, the house is silent – no 24-7 TV, no…

Well, I had something else in mind when I wrote the first sentence. I wasn’t at all going to head in this direction, but it’s time. It’s the end of the year for the rest of the world, but the end of an era for me…and I’m ready to shed some things. Maybe, hopefully, my story will encourage others.

Long story a little shorter, I spent decades married to a narcissist. I was in denial most of the time, and though it never really felt right I accepted it as my inevitable normal.

Mind you, there were times in his life (definitely in the last few weeks) when he was right with God, or so I believe. It’s hard to tell because narcissists have a gift for looking like awesome people from the outside. Their spouses and children, though… they pay the price. All things – every, single, thing – revolve around the desires of the narcissist, and they are only “generous” and “thoughtful” when others are looking on and can be impressed. Pretty much nothing matters but them and their happiness. Oh, and anything that goes wrong is inevitably someone else’s fault.

So, if you know the story of my husband’s disabilities, you can imagine how hard the last several years have been. He lost the tight control he’d always held, so he worked even harder in other areas like emotional manipulation and what I’ll call “practical punishment” – such things as trashing the house any time I wasn’t at home. Because, well, his situation was my fault.

There have been good moments. I know there have been, but they are so overshadowed by years of…everything from emotional abuse and infidelity to threats of self-harm, yelling, and ridiculous accusations that those memories are not readily accessible – and I’m not inclined to go digging.

He passed away 3 months ago tomorrow, and every single day of those three months I’ve thanked God for giving me the chance to live the life man is supposed to live. The word for my life right now is “Freedom.”

I’ve survived…no, thanks to God I’ve thrived through over thirty years of pretty much every kind of abuse but physical abuse. With God’s promise of forever, I’ve been able to face each day knowing that “this too shall pass.” Speaking honestly here, it did not kill me; it made me stronger.

The joy of the Lord – both the joy He has given me as I’ve focused on seeking Him through the years and His joy in me – has been my strength. My faith is where it is not in spite of, but because of the battles I’ve fought.

And now?

Now my home is silent enough that I hear the ticking of the clock on the wall. Today, I know continual peace even in the midst of new-widowhood challenges. Today, I know happiness on a level I’ve not seen since I was a child. As one confused friend recently expressed it to my sister, I glow.

So I’m leaving 2022 with a great sense of gratitude, and looking to 2023 with a special kind of hope and expectation.

I’m listening to the clock on the wall with a smile on my face.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

To our friends who thought you knew Jack, I’m sorry you had to learn this. I’ve spent three months letting most people think I’m just relieved not to be the primary caregiver of a very ill person…and I’ve felt like a hypocrite. I’m tired of hiding behind the lies of our life together.

What Do You Have in the House?

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In II Kings 4, a widow approached Elisha for help and he asked her an odd question, “Tell me, what do you have in the house?” All she had was a jar of oil, but God used that jar of oil to work a mighty miracle. We humans tend to overlook what God has already given us, considering it to be “not enough.” Her oil was definitely not enough – until God touched it.

If you read yesterday’s review of Priscilla Shirer’s devotional, Awaken, it shouldn’t surprise you that the following thoughts were triggered by Day 2. And of course I had to apply them to me.

Experiencing the Bible is my jar. The oil is the gift of words and my joy in them (especially my joy in THE Word).

I’d begun a much simpler version of the book years ago. I kept putting it down, and God kept bringing me back to it. This year, I finally finished and published it. I asked God about marketing, but He told me not to worry about it. The point, at that time, truly was obedience.

Then, on October 1st, my husband passed away, taking his income with him, and suddenly I was the widow going to God saying, “I can’t do this on my own. I have to have Your help!” He pointed to the “jar on the shelf” and told me to get started. He has truly been my ever-present help in recent months, supplying my needs in consistently miraculous ways, but He’s also kept me moving forward with a vision that has grown far beyond anything I’d imagined.

In the midst of this my son, who owns Pixel Drip Studio, offered to create a full website to replace this simple blog. That started a conversation, and plans, and ideas that triggered a lot of action. So here I am, pouring out the oil. To the print book, I added first an ebook and then a journal. I’m already looking to the next book…actually, the next two. I’m also studying marketing, newsletters, social media and more.

God gives us all gifts, talents, and abilities, providing us with “jars of oil.” Then it’s up to us to pour out the oil and sell it for a profit. It took the widow time, effort, and humility to go borrow all those vessels from her neighbors and then fill them. Too, it generally requires the help of others, both her neighbors and her son in her case, and my son…both of them actually…in mine.

It can also take walking in obedience in advance. Had I not finished Experiencing the Bible when God told me to, it wouldn’t have been sitting on the shelf when I needed it.

So I’ll repeat Priscilla’s question from Day 2. What are some of the “jars of oil” you might be overlooking right now that He’s already provided?

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

All Things Means ALL Things

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I wrote the following on September 5th.

Here Again, But I’m OK

ER
Third time in a month.
This time he is being admitted.
It never ceases to amaze me what I end up being capable of. The me of thirty years ago… Could she have handled this life without completely falling apart?
In a word?
No.

But God knew what I would face today, and He spent years building me up, strengthening my faith and teaching me that I CAN. I can, truly, do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I posted on Facebook, recently, asking friends to comment if they had a list of life experiences they would not wish on their worst enemy, but they knew it was those experiences that had molded them into the strong people they are today. My hand was the first one up, and several others followed. It’s true.

It is being tempered in the fire that makes the steel strong.
It is the buffeting of the wind that makes a tree strong.
It is the trials I face that make me strong – if I let them.
So.

Here I sit with him in the ER, knowing he’s potentially facing an extended hospital stay.
And I’m ok.
I trust that, whatever tomorrow brings, I will be ok then too.


Which brings us to “tomorrow.”

Today I’m a Widow.

He passed away on October 1st, in the evening, less than an hour after a group of us left his nursing home room. They’d told me just a few hours earlier that they thought he was transitioning, but it was so out of the blue that I really couldn’t believe it. He’d told me many times in recent months that he wished he didn’t have to live, so personally I think he simply chose to quit. And I don’t blame him. Now he’s in Heaven, and he is FREE. He is free of the demons he fought. He is free of the illnesses in his body. He is free of the dementia that had begun to manifest. He is now the man God had always intended him to be.

And me? I’m still ok. In fact, I’m more than ok; I’m doing very well. I, too, am free. I am free of the increasing pressure of being a 24/7 caregiver who also worked a full-time job. I am free of the stresses of dealing with a man who was almost daily growing more angry and disoriented. I am also free of the guilt that tried to crawl all over me at first because of just how free I feel.

This has been an amazing time for me. God has been speaking to me so much, probably in part because I’ve been spending so much more time with Him, and I have such a peace that it’s mind blowing. No matter the challenges I face in coming months and years, I know He is with me and I am hid in Him.

And through Christ I can do ALL things!

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

My Fear

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It’s strange…the places you can stumble across revelation. I was registering on a website when the security question asked me, “What is your greatest fear?” Without hesitation, I typed my answer.

FAILURE

Then I sat staring at it, wondering where THAT had come from. It wasn’t long before I admitted to myself, for perhaps the first time, that this has been the truest answer to that question from the time I was a small child. While others went out and did things that looked fun, I sat on the sidelines.

I never tried because I was afraid to fail.

As an adult, I’ve learned better. I understand that failure is part of the learning process. At least…I understand it on a superficial level. My instant answer to the question, though, shows that I still have some very real issues.

So it’s time to self-assess. I’ve conquered this fear in so many areas, but I’ve got to move forward and eliminate it in more. I mean, really, at this point in my life how bad can failure be?

I’ve already raised my kids; any failures I had there are over and the damage done. That’s one of the biggest potential problem areas I can think of in this life. Well, other than failing where your relationship with God is concerned, and I work in building that all the time.

It’s time to kick my fear to the curb, to realize that it’s STUPID. Yes, I said stupid. Me failing at something might lead to my embarrassment, but it won’t result in WW3. Besides, how many times did Jesus issue the encouragement, “Fear not!”?

What about you?

What is your biggest fear?

And what are you going to do about it?

Celebrating Jesus!

Tammy C

The Way of Escape

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You reach for the door handle and it breaks. In that first instant you may think you’re stuck in your car with no way out. Of course, you realize quickly that you can roll down the window and open the door from the outside, or even slide over and exit on the passenger side. Either way, you do have an escape route.

When this happened today, it started me thinking or, rather, remembering. Waaaaay back in the olden days, before cordless phones and caller ID, when the phone rang so seldom that you always went running to catch it, my boyfriend and I were alone in the house and got a little carried away.

But EVERY time we went too far in the wrong direction, the phone rang, and EVERY time it rang the person on the other end hung up as soon as I answered. After the fourth or fifth time, we realized we were in danger of being late somewhere and I had the sense to insist on us rushing to get ready to leave.

It was some time after this that I discovered 1 Corinthians 10:13.

“No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” (NKJV)

What happened that day was clearly God making a way of escape for me, and it is a lesson I have never forgotten. If I give in to temptation, it’s because I ignore the escape routes He has opened for me.

Celebrating Jesus!

Tammy C

To Those Who Have Lost Everything

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I cannot even wrap my head around the number of families who have lost everything to Harvey’s onslaught. I am surrounded by devastation as I sit in my minimally-affected apartment. To all of you, I want to say…

* I have been you.

* It will get better.

* Good can come out of the sorrow.

I clearly remember the day we moved into our new apartment with almost no belongings and exactly one piece of furniture. We’d lost pretty much everything and spent our first night lying on a blanket on the floor of an apartment with no electricity.

But we were both alive. We were together. We were going to make it.

I won’t lie to you. Every time I turned around in those early months I thought of yet another thing I would never see again and I’d hurt. I’d spend precious money on something I ought not have to be buying, and I’d get resentful. Christmas came around and I only got a tree and decorations because my boss pushed me to; I was glad I did.

But it did get better. As time went on, I discovered that my attitude was changing. I shifted from sternly telling myself, “Tammy, they’re only things!” to saying in wonder, “They really are only things!”

I’m not sure how to explain it, but at some point, maybe the next year, a day came when I realized I’d begun to feel positively liberated. As strange as it sounds, I’d been bound by stuff and had no idea. True, many of the things we lost represented memories, but a representative is not the memory itself-and the memories are still there.

Yes, I actually reached a place, after that forced downsizing, where I could feel grateful even for the loss. I… I can only explain it by saying I felt like I could breathe again-though I’d not known I was being suffocated at all.

When something similar happened a few years later, I walked down the same path again – hurt, anger, acceptance, forgiveness… This process has taught me that, as sure as we’ll one day cast aside our mortal bodies and not look back, we can have everything taken away from us here and come out better. I have – twice.

Well, I should qualify. With God, with Jesus, with the Holy Spirit, I have come out better. Without them, I don’t know what would have happened, but with them all things are truly possible.

Celebrating Jesus!

Tammy C

For to Me, to Live is Christ

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I’ve yet to find the official number for traffic fatalities in Texas in 2015, but I can tell you this: It is short by 3. 

My husband, nephew, and I were in a wreck in December that, by all rights, should have killed all three of us. My nephew, by an astounding miracle, literally walked away from the accident and spent the rest of the evening with the family while my husband and I were taken to the closest trauma center. Both of us are still under the care of various doctors; we’ve been averaging 5 doctor visits every week. Yes, it’s getting old, but that’s beside the point. 

The point is we should have died. I’ve only looked at pictures of the car once, because I had to in order to fill out some paperwork. Seeing it made me physically ill. In those first few moments of realizing Jack wasn’t in the car, I was sure he’d been killed when he was thrown out. The only thing that kept me from running to him was my inability to move. I still don’t know how I managed to swing my left leg out of the car; it certainly wasn’t letting me do anything with it after I got it there. 

I’ve learned a lot in the recovery process. I’ve learned that massive painkillers followed by surgery anesthesia can mess with you in many ways. There are chunks of those first those first few weeks that are just gone, others that can be dredged up only with help, and still others I know can’t be accurate memories. I have no idea how many conversations came to an abrupt halt when, in the middle of a sentence, I could not remember what word I was going to use next. 

I also learned that depression after surgery is a VERY real thing. There were points at which it was so bad that I pretty much asked God where He got off forcing us to survive the accident when He could have let us die. (Seriously, watch over your loved ones prayerfully after surgery! I never said a word to anyone about the depression I was fighting.)

But I learned something else, too. I learned that it was against all odds that He DID cause all three of us to survive. I learned that, if He caused all of us to survive then there must be a reason, a purpose. It sounds glib, but I learned that it’s true: God really isn’t finished with us…with any of us. 

In Philippians 1:21-24 (NKJV), Paul says, “For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. But if I live on in the flesh, this will mean fruit from my labor; yet what I shall choose I cannot tell. For I am hard-pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and to be with Christ, which is far better. Nevertheless to remain in the flesh is more needful for you.”

Even without the depression I fought for a while, I do long for the day when I can literally stand in His presence, and the thought of dying really doesn’t bother me. BUT, I also understand, with Paul, that each of us has assignments here, and if we leave before completing them then there is work being left undone. 

So I’m here to stay until He says so, and while I’m here I recommit myself to fulfilling His plans and purposes in keeping me here. I won’t JUST live. I will remember that for me, to live is Christ. 

Celebrating Jesus!

Tammy C