fear

To Not Try is to Fail

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment
No, it’s not art. It’s self-care.

I had a follow-up with my primary care this week and was reminded about what he told me several months back: “It’s time to do something just for Tammy.” My mental health was his concern for so many years that, while he loves the changes he sees, he wants me to make a point to keep moving forward.

I’ve been wanting to learn watercolor for a while, so I decided to have that be the Tammy thing; I even bought supplies before Christmas. I’ve mentioned my plan before. I think I’ve also shared that I have an issue; I tend to not try things because I expect myself to do everything right the first time even though I know I won’t.

Yes, that’s ridiculous. I’m being transparent here. Okay? I do understand the saying, “Nothing ventured nothing gained,” and I’m officially working on it this time.

So… today I pulled out the paints and other supplies and decided to just play. What you see above is actually my second play sheet. Here, you can see the first.

Today was all about learning how everything worked – the paper, the brushes, the watercolors, and even the water itself. I gave myself permission to do the ridiculous, to create ugly, to fail. In doing so, I learned a lot, and have a solid plan for the next time I pull out my supplies. knowing what I learned today, next time will be better.

We live in a world that demands the appearance of perfection. Your TikTok must be just right for people to hit the follow button and the algorithm to make you visible. Your Instagram posts show only the best side of life. Your Facebook feed is filled with what appears to be perfect families.

And we know perfect families don’t really exist!

So I’m here to challenge you to rebel. Try something new, and give yourself permission to fail. Not fail permanently of course; that’s no fun. Just allow yourself time to learn without giving in to frustration at your own lack of experience. Don’t stop at the first hurdle; keep running the race.

It can be very relaxing, freeing even, to just sit there, mutter, “What if…?” and then try. It might fascinate you to find out.

If you’ve read about my tiny house life, no. None of this will be going into the frames on my kitchen wall. But some day I’ll share a post with those frames filled. After all, I’ve taken the first step in that direction.

Celebrating Jesus!

Tammy C

The Trifecta – Lessons Learned

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

If you’ve heard my story before, stick with me anyway. Please.

My life, until shortly before I turned 19, was filled with worry. I cannot sufficiently express how completely the worry consumed me. It was so bad, so constant, that it felt normal. And then the pastor of the church God had led me to only months (weeks?) earlier had an altar call for those battling worry.

I was there. So were many others. We lined the altar, standing shoulder to shoulder. Pastor Ronnie started at the end to my right; he prayed for people and they went to sit down. Pray, return to seat. Pray, return to seat. Pray, return to seat. And then there was Tammy.

He stopped in front of me, met my eyes, and said, “Stay right here.”

WHAT?!

Maybe you can imagine how I felt standing there. Worry was obviously a factor. What?! Why?! What was he going to do? Why was I different? How long did I wait? I was so far beyond all kinds of awkward that I have pretty clear memories of those relative hours I spent watching more and more people be prayed for and return to their seats.

After what felt like a month, he came back to me. He was completely serious, and kind, and loving as he stood before this 18-year-old girl he was only just getting to know. We never discussed this moment later, so I don’t know what he was thinking, but I know for a fact that he understood two things.

1. He was aware that my issue was beyond normal worry, that there was a spirit of worry he’d have to deal with.

2. He knew that my brain would need extra help.

As he stood in front of me, he had me hold out my arms. Then he took off his suit jacket and laid it across them. Again looking me in the eyes, he said, “I want you to imagine a river of blood running at your feet. I’m going to pray for you, and when I finish you’re going to drop my jacket. Think of it as your worries and see them disappear under that blood. And realize you’ll have to reach through the blood to pick them up again.”

Now, it’s been over 40 years, so obviously that’s not an exact quote, but you get the idea. He prayed. I don’t remember what he prayed, though I’m sure part of it was dealing with that spirit of worry, then he said amen and I dropped the jacket. I was free. I knew something big had just happened.

And now to why I entitled this “The Trifecta.” Pastor Ronnie, like Moses, did his part. God, just as was true in Egypt, did His part; He delivered me out of bondage to worry. Now it was time for me to do my part, to get the worry out of me.

I look back and I am so grateful! In comparing my walk to that of the Jews entering the desert, I see how easily I could have returned to letting worry rule over me, to go back to sacrificing myself on its altar. I didn’t in part because a wise man of God knew that I needed a tool, something to remind me that in order to carry the worry again I had to reach through the blood of Jesus to pick it up.

Once the spirit of worry was dealt with, the choice was mine, and it was an every day, every hour choice that I had to actively make. It is a choice I still have to actively, consistently make. In fact, I wrote a post not long ago entitled, “Drop It,” where I shared the new tool God had given me to help me deal with worry as well as a few other things. The devil knows what worked on me before, so he often tries to work the same tactic again. (Remember this when God delivers you from any addiction.)

Jesus said something along the lines of, “Don’t be afraid,” 365 times, and worry is a form of fear. So yes, He is well aware that it’s something we all deal with and yes, He is telling us it is something we can control.

For me, I kind of think it’s like Paul’s thorn in the flesh. God never removed that thorn, whatever it was, but He gave Paul the grace to deal with it. “My grace is sufficient for you,” God said in 2nd Corinthians 12:9. In 2nd Corinthians 9:8 we are told that God can cause all grace to abound towards us so we have every sufficiency for every good work. He gives us what we need to overcome.

Now, I will step to the side a second and say this. Sometimes He gives us the tool called medicine. A couple of times in the past 13 or so years, I spent a few months on antidepressants, and for years I carried a bottle of anti-anxiety medication with me. My occasional need for the anti-anxiety meds ended shortly after my husband passed away (which kind of makes clearer the stress I lived under). I am grateful that I had the medical help I needed when I needed it.

So, to bring this web-bound book to a close, when we need big things in our lives, it’s a team effort. God must be in the mix, a minister or other faith-filled believer may be needed, and we will have to do our part. Our part involves walking by faith, and that faith will require us to make the right choices and do the right things.

The three working together? That’s powerful!

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Help the Weak. Be Patient with Everyone.

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

Two solid weeks of sick do not make for a blog that stays current.

The first week I was on vacation, and the second week I went to work feeling like I hardly had two brain cells to rub together, wanting nothing more than to go home and crawl back into bed. Honestly, I don’t know how I got my work done at all. So yeah, everything else flew out the window.

Now that my brain is actively working again, I’m thinking about the spiritually weak, those who are so sick with worry that they can hardly function, whose lives seem to be in such a tailspin that they feel they hardly have two brain cells to rub together, and the ones who are so in need that they can’t even think to ask for help. 1 Thessalonians 5:14 tells us, “We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.”

My sister was that help while we were on vacation together. What should have been at least a decent visit with her son was severely damaged by what we at first thought were only allergies (made unimaginably worse by the two flights it took to get to Las Vegas from Houston) and the fact that I could only go and do for so long before collapsing. There was no doing all the fun stuff that we had been looking into. Nonetheless, she showed that patience Paul talks about here. She was a nurturer and encourager. She was everything I needed her to be. Likewise, the people I work with were incredibly encouraging and patient with me last week as I crept through the days feeling mostly like a failure. I am surrounded by wonderful people.

So… What about me? Am I one of those wonderful people? Am I like my sister, giving encouragement, nurturing, and helping those who are weak? Am I like my co-workers, who patiently put up with my constant coughing, nose blowing, and failure to accomplish great things? I would like to think so, but I’m stepping back right now and doing some serious assessing of the person I look at in the mirror.

I want to like her. I want to respect her. I want to know that she reaches out in honesty and sincerity at all times. I want to know that her heart genuinely loves people and she doesn’t allow impatience to color her actions, or busyness to keep her from reaching out to the fainthearted and weak. Shoot, I want to know she’s so sensitive to what’s going on around her that she notices!

It’s amazing what being sick can teach you.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Drop it!

Tammy M Cardwell1 Comment

Have you ever seen a dog chewing on something that would potentially harm it, and watched the owner give the sharp command, “Drop it!”?

Twice this week I’ve heard God say, “Drop it!”

The first time was when worry was trying to set in. Having dealt with anxiety and depression in the past, worry is a dangerous thing for me to be chewing on. Nevertheless, I was letting myself dwell on a certain mistake I’d made, and all of its possible repercussions, when I heard God’s voice. “Drop it!”

After I paused and intentionally dropped it, taking control of my thought processes, I had the vision of the owner and his dog. I laughed, and realized this particular lesson is one I’ll remember.

Then, today, I was mulling over how someone had misrepresented me. I know it sounds shallow, but that’s something I really don’t appreciate. The thing is, when you continue to dwell on something like that, chewing on thoughts of how offensive someone’s actions are, you venture into the realm of unforgiveness, which is seriously dangerous territory. I was headed in that direction when, once again, I heard the command, “Drop it!”

Dropping those thoughts took a little more effort, and some help from God, but I got me under control and I thank Him for it. I cannot afford to get into the sin of unforgiveness. I can’t afford to let anything at all hinder my walk with God.

So yeah…

When He says those words, I’m gonna make like the dog and drop it!

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Facing the Mountain

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We all face mountains. The question is, how do we face them? One man starts up the mountain without worrying about its height or terrain, trusting God to lead him every step of the way. Eventually, he pauses to glance around and sees he’s made it halfway up without even realizing it.

Another man stands on the dark side of the mountain, with no light to reveal its features or face. It is fearsome and he shivers at its base in terror, not daring to put one foot in front of the other. Yet if he waits for the sun the truth of the mountain will be revealed and his path become clear.

It is not the mountain itself that matters, but how we face it. If we trust in God with all our hearts and refuse to rely on our own, faulty logic, if we turn to Him for direction at every step, He will show us the right path to take.

Celebrating Jesus and Proverbs 3:5-6!

Tammy C

Revisiting the Furnace

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Most of us have heard the story of the three Hebrew boys and how they were thrown into a fiery furnace after refusing to bow to the idol. (Daniel 3) We read about their obedience to God, being thrown in, the guards dying from the heat, the king seeing them and the fourth man walking around, and them walking out of the fire not even smelling of smoke. But let’s pause for a moment. What about while they were inside? What happened…from their perspective?

The first thing they would have noticed, beyond the fact that they were still alive, was that the very fire intended to destroy them had, instead, burned away their bonds. They were thrown into the fire held captive and bound, but were likely loosed before they even hit the floor. Yes, they were still in the fire, but they could stand up, may have even playfully pulled each other up, and they could walk around as they liked. In truth, they were more free than they had been for a while. 

Many times in our lives, we find ourselves anticipating potential outcomes with dread, perhaps with such a fear that it binds us, holding us captive and keeping us from moving forward. Statistics say that what we fear almost never even happens. Think about that. How much time do we waste letting the fear of something that will NEVER HAPPEN hold us captive to the point that we can’t even move?

But the thing is that, once we’re thrown into the fire, that fear is burned away. The worst has already happened and, like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, we can look up from the floor of the furnace and realize, “Hey! I’m still here! I survived!”

I can imagine their surprised joy in that moment. They had dared declare God’s power to the king, assuring him that the One they served was more than able to deliver them. And He had. You know that special laughter that comes with joy? I can almost hear it. I can also see them turning to look through the flames, out the door, at the outside. Perhaps in the midst of their astonishment they wondered what they should do next. And then, just maybe, from behind them…

They heard a chuckle. Can you see them whipping around in even more shock and amaze? The king said the fourth man in the fire looked like the son of God. Presumably, he was right. They wouldn’t have known Him as “Jesus,” but their hearts would surely have recognized Him.

Now their backs are to the exit, the fire that surrounds them is pretty much forgotten, and their eyes are firmly focused on their first ever glimpse of the One they’ve offered their lives for. Though they have no way of knowing it, everything – literally everything – has changed. 

What words would Jesus have spoken to them? Did they ask all of the questions that had burned in their hearts for years? Did He… I can’t really even begin to propose what He might have said. We do know this, though. They spent some time in there. 

We don’t know how much time, but it was enough that the king eventually realized what he was seeing, pointed it out to his companions, and called out for the three to come out. Given the raging fire, and how loud it would have been, it seems to me that either the fire was allowed time to burn down or Jesus told them, “Hey guys, the king is calling.”

Regardless, stepping back inside with the kids… While I was homeschooling, I wrote an essay entitled “The View from Inside the Furnace,” and at this point I suggested that they, instead of being in the worst time of their lives (what it looked like) were actually on the field trip of a lifetime.

As they walk around, I imagine Jesus explaining exactly how this furnace works, how it is used to harness the destructive nature of fire and cause it to change things, transforming soft clay into usable, even valuable, vessels. Then I imagine Jesus sharing a few secrets about how He is going to use their time in the fire to do far more, not only to change them, making them more useful and valuable, but also change the world. I imagine…quite a lot, actually. 

Can you see the disappointment on their faces when either they finally hear the king calling or Jesus announces that their visit is over? The very thing that was at one time the ultimate threat has now become a refuge, a place they’ve been seeking their whole lives – a secret place where it is just them and Him. In all honesty, if it were me I’d have been like a child begging for “just one more story.”

Actually, I have been. I wrote the essay I referred to earlier during one of the hardest times of my life.  I intended it for friends who were worried about me, and with good reason. In the midst of the fire I learned things I could never have learned anywhere else, and I developed an intimacy with God that I had never known. As I shared with God in prayer at the time, I would never wish that fire on my worst enemy, but I desperately desired to take the intimacy with me when I walked back out of the flames. 

Those three boys had to feel the same way, but for them I think it almost had to be a harder walk to take, because Jesus came out of that furnace with me, staying always by my side, and they had to leave the fourth man behind, knowing they would likely never see Him face-to-face again.

And, as I imagine Jesus promising, their world changed – and not just for them. Yes, they were promoted and given all honor, but even more importantly God was promoted, and the king himself ordered that He be worshipped. Yes, our God was merely added to the list of gods they already worshipped, but it was a beginning.

So I leave us (Yep, this is a reminder for me.) with this. Serve God with all your heart and don’t fear the fire. Jeremiah 29:11 assures us that He has great plans for us, and Romans 8:28 promises that He can cause all things to work together for our good. Even a walk in a fire-filled furnace, though terrifying to face, can be  an amazing experience that prepares us for an astounding future. 

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

My Fear

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It’s strange…the places you can stumble across revelation. I was registering on a website when the security question asked me, “What is your greatest fear?” Without hesitation, I typed my answer.

FAILURE

Then I sat staring at it, wondering where THAT had come from. It wasn’t long before I admitted to myself, for perhaps the first time, that this has been the truest answer to that question from the time I was a small child. While others went out and did things that looked fun, I sat on the sidelines.

I never tried because I was afraid to fail.

As an adult, I’ve learned better. I understand that failure is part of the learning process. At least…I understand it on a superficial level. My instant answer to the question, though, shows that I still have some very real issues.

So it’s time to self-assess. I’ve conquered this fear in so many areas, but I’ve got to move forward and eliminate it in more. I mean, really, at this point in my life how bad can failure be?

I’ve already raised my kids; any failures I had there are over and the damage done. That’s one of the biggest potential problem areas I can think of in this life. Well, other than failing where your relationship with God is concerned, and I work in building that all the time.

It’s time to kick my fear to the curb, to realize that it’s STUPID. Yes, I said stupid. Me failing at something might lead to my embarrassment, but it won’t result in WW3. Besides, how many times did Jesus issue the encouragement, “Fear not!”?

What about you?

What is your biggest fear?

And what are you going to do about it?

Celebrating Jesus!

Tammy C

Sister Adventures

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walk laugh a 2017 06 crop

Photo Credit: Memories in Motion Photography (Candace Townsend)

Isn’t it special how the truly exciting things in life often involve our siblings? My sister Clarissa and I, even though we had our times of disliking each other growing up, have always played together. The last two years have been no different. First, after much prayer, we opened a clothing boutique. Coming from an entrepreneurial family, it would seem such a move would be obvious, but we’d never even considered going into business together before. We actually closed the business a couple of weeks ago, but that’s for later.

Then there was the day she dragged me to the gun range. She has a concealed carry license and had been telling me for months that I needed a break and shooting is therapy, so one day I caved and joined her to take my turns shooting both of her handguns (I preferred the .38, if anyone cares). I think I frustrated her when I refused to come out and say I’d had fun, but I did have to confess that it was very satisfying to try something completely new and do so well. In fact, it was a gift.

To understand my satisfaction, you have to know that I was always afraid of failure when I was young. I never learned to skate, for instance, because I feared making a fool of myself. Doing so well my first time at the range was extremely satisfying. Will I ever return to the range? I don’t know. It’s hard to excuse spending so much money on ammo when you’re only doing it for kicks.

Third, we went out of business with a bang. Sounds ridiculous, right? Going out of business is usually a terrible thing, but this was different. We prayed and considered carefully before concluding that it was the right move for us, and then we did something so exciting it still gives me goose bumps. We took all of our clothing and gave it away at a shelter for battered women. ALL of it. Many of these moms had taken their kids and run with only the clothes on their backs and what little they could carry. Seeing their joy at freely choosing several brand new outfits each was AMAZING, and it satisfied a long-held dream of mine.

I’ve always wanted to do something big – like give away a car or something. It wasn’t on my Bucket List, because I’ve always thought a Bucket List was for things that were at least somewhat within reach. If it had been on a list, I’d have called it my Dream Big list.

Because God led Clarissa and me into this particular adventure in the first place, my relatively small investment in our business was turned into something huge. When we calculated what we’d given to the shelter, we’d done the equivalent of giving away a car – a new car. You might think I’d regret investing money and time into a business that would close down after a year and a half, but I don’t; I consider it a huge blessing. Even if this final thing were the only reason we’d launched Cady’s Closet, I would say it was a grand adventure, and I haven’t stop smiling since we set up our pop-up boutique for the last time.

Now I’m looking forward to our next adventure. Sisterhood is an awesome thing.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C