Musings

I Am A…

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

Recently, in conversation, I said the words, “I’m a blogger.”

I understand that what you’re about to read seems ridiculous. Stay with me.

My own words caught me off guard. I mean, I AM a blogger; I’ve been blogging for years here and on my previous site. Regardless, after saying those words out loud, I had the same epiphany I did when I realized that I not only wrote but was, in fact, an author. It was a bit of a delightful shock.

“And you are sharing this today because…?” you ask? I will answer happily!

Frankly, this is the perfect opportunity to remind you to own what you are. Do you write? Then you are a writer! True, you may not be a published author yet, but that has no bearing on the fact that you are a genuine, bona fide writer.

Do you create art? You are an artist! Whether or not you’ve ever sold anything means nothing. Even if you’ve never shown a single piece of your art to another human being, you are an artist. Own that you are an artist! Delight in it! Enjoy being what you are.

Yes, I realize skill is a measurable thing and many judge “what we are” by the skills we currently possess. Many believe that unless you’ve been published, you’re not a writer. Many are convinced that if your creations aren’t art by their definition, you are not an artist. I get it. I’ve said myself that I’m not an artist even though many have tried to call me one. I have the skills required to copy a picture, but not to create one; by my definition, that makes me a copyist, not an artist.

But I’ve been a blogger since I published my very first blog post. It wouldn’t matter if no one read what I wrote, I would still be a blogger. I just had to be reminded of this fact, because I’d fallen into judging myself as a blogger by the number of people my blog reaches. My blog community is growing, so I’ve felt more like a blogger lately than I have in a while…which is absurd.

God has planted within each of us the potential to be many things, and we get to choose which of those things we will be. Do some have more innate talent than others in certain areas? Of course, I’m not belittling this fact. I’m just saying that we all have potential. As believers, we should be actively drawing out that potential and using it to His glory, and we should believe in ourselves as we do.

But even if you don’t believe in God, those gifts, those desires, those drives to BE, are still there waiting for you to act on and own them. Don’t sell yourself short. Don’t allow doubt, either your own or someone else’s, to drag you down.

I’ve noticed it’s become a thing to ask people what advice you would give your younger self. Often you hear such things as, “Don’t give up on your dreams,” and “Never stop believing in yourself.” I think it’s time to flip the script and let your younger self talk to you. If blogging were a thing when I was young, as soon as child Tammy hit publish on her first blog post, no matter how good or bad anyone else thought it was, she would have grinned and said, “I’m a blogger!” And, though she had only just taken her very first step, she would have been right.

So, with this in mind, I urge you to invite your inner child, that preschooler who knew without a doubt he or she could accomplish anything they wanted, to come out and have a chat. Let that younger you give today’s you the courage to own what you already are, to declare with confidence, “I am a…!”

Once you convince yourself, there’s no telling what you can do.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

The Word is Soar

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Photo Credit: Barry Hatch

It is common among Christians to have a word or a verse for the year. I have had either or both many times, but I don’t generally pick them out myself. At least, I can’t remember ever having chosen one. If I have a word for the year, it’s because God says, “It’s _____.” In 2023 the word was FREEDOM, and if you know my story you understand why.

My word for 2024, according to God, is SOAR.

Believe me, had I been doing the choosing I would specifically have NOT chosen this word because of the cliche sound of “Soar in ’24.” I know God, though, and I understand full well that He has a plan in everything he does, a purpose for even the smallest moves He makes. So, I accepted the word as my own and started talking to Him about it.

He will likely reveal more as we move along through the year, but recently He drew me up short with a question. I don’t remember the exact way He phrased it, but His point was that I need to pay attention to what an eagle is doing when it soars. I started really thinking about it, and my jaw dropped open. Seriously, while driving down the road a fly could have flown in before I snapped my mouth shut.

What does an eagle do when it soars?

Not much.

Seriously! Eagles, airplanes, whatever… Getting off the ground takes work. Reaching the right altitude requires energy. But when they get up there? Once an eagle is at the right altitude and in that mode, once they’re soaring, the heavy lifting is done. To oversimplify it, all they need to do at that point is set their wings and ride the wind.

Am I saying God is promising to make 2024 easy for me? Not even. I do believe, however, that He is saying I’ve worked hard in some areas, and in those areas I’m about to hit the right altitude and soar, only having to put out the effort required to stay in the air while I glide and enjoy the view.

I’m seeing hints of such in the stats for this blog. They’re more promising than they have been in years and let me tell you, if you pour yourself into something like this it makes a huge difference when you start seeing certain signs. In this case, I’ve had a definite uptick in search engines bringing new readers my way. If you know you know!

Anyway, that’s my word, and I look forward to learning more about it, about what God intends it to mean for me. I’d love to hear about your word, or verse, or quote, and how you anticipate it affecting your walk in 2024.

In meantime, I’m preparing to set my wings and ride the wind.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

To Not Try is to Fail

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No, it’s not art. It’s self-care.

I had a follow-up with my primary care this week and was reminded about what he told me several months back: “It’s time to do something just for Tammy.” My mental health was his concern for so many years that, while he loves the changes he sees, he wants me to make a point to keep moving forward.

I’ve been wanting to learn watercolor for a while, so I decided to have that be the Tammy thing; I even bought supplies before Christmas. I’ve mentioned my plan before. I think I’ve also shared that I have an issue; I tend to not try things because I expect myself to do everything right the first time even though I know I won’t.

Yes, that’s ridiculous. I’m being transparent here. Okay? I do understand the saying, “Nothing ventured nothing gained,” and I’m officially working on it this time.

So… today I pulled out the paints and other supplies and decided to just play. What you see above is actually my second play sheet. Here, you can see the first.

Today was all about learning how everything worked – the paper, the brushes, the watercolors, and even the water itself. I gave myself permission to do the ridiculous, to create ugly, to fail. In doing so, I learned a lot, and have a solid plan for the next time I pull out my supplies. knowing what I learned today, next time will be better.

We live in a world that demands the appearance of perfection. Your TikTok must be just right for people to hit the follow button and the algorithm to make you visible. Your Instagram posts show only the best side of life. Your Facebook feed is filled with what appears to be perfect families.

And we know perfect families don’t really exist!

So I’m here to challenge you to rebel. Try something new, and give yourself permission to fail. Not fail permanently of course; that’s no fun. Just allow yourself time to learn without giving in to frustration at your own lack of experience. Don’t stop at the first hurdle; keep running the race.

It can be very relaxing, freeing even, to just sit there, mutter, “What if…?” and then try. It might fascinate you to find out.

If you’ve read about my tiny house life, no. None of this will be going into the frames on my kitchen wall. But some day I’ll share a post with those frames filled. After all, I’ve taken the first step in that direction.

Celebrating Jesus!

Tammy C

But This Will Never Change

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When we were young, my sister and my favorite Christmas tradition was loading up on Christmas morning and heading to our grandparents’ house where the whole clan had gathered. But my grandparents eventually had to stop hosting, and that tradition changed.

As young kids, Christmas was a magical time and the gifts were great. Then came the year when, as a single mom, Mother could only give us each a skirt and a piece of candy. Through the decades, changing financial situations have had major effects on my Christmases.

Christmas, like everything else, is subject to change. We have to be able to shift and flex whether we like it or not, whether our kids like it or not. Even we change, in the ways we perceive the holiday and interact with those we spend time with, even just those who cross our paths.

But one thing remains constant; one thing will never change.

No matter what we think about Him, how we relate to Him or refuse to relate to Him, Jesus will always be there for us. We celebrate His birthday at Christmas for that reason.

And as long as we keep our focus on Him and the real reason for the season, we can handle all of those other changes. If we don’t get a single gift from man, we who have accepted Jesus as Savior and Lord have already received the greatest gift of all – forever with Him.

Celebrating Jesus!

Tammy C

Merry Christmas to Me!

Tammy M Cardwell2 Comments

Here I sit, thinking about Christmas, and my heart is so full it could almost be Thanksgiving. I decided to come share, and find myself oddly short on words. So this may be a “scribble scrabble letter,” as Jo March would say. (I don’t have a copy of Little Women, so feel free to correct the quote in the comments.)

Although Jack passed on October 1st last year, it feels like it’s Christmas that marks the true end of my first year of freedom. I was still finding my way in those first few months, navigating “new widowhood” waters. So much has changed.

Things are still changing, as I’m recognizing ingrained “training” and countering it. Like the day, only a few months ago, when I realized I was rushing through a store and stopped in the middle of an aisle, frozen by the realization that I was still acting as if he were at home growing progressively angrier at my absence. There was NO ONE, other than me, who cared where I was or what I was doing. Yes, I intentionally slowed down and chose to enjoy the process.

So, side note: When you’re coming out of an abusive relationship, realize that it will take time to deal with all your baggage. That was a heavy backpack I’d not even realized I was wearing.

So many wonderful things have happened in the past year. Relationships that had been strained (because of him) have been growing increasingly stronger. My emotional health has improved unimaginably. And my physical health, TIA aside, has been great too.

Where my body is concerned, I’ve had more money and mental real estate to invest in taking care of me. I’d tried before, because I knew I had to stay healthy to keep him healthy, but his care had always been the priority. Now I am at a place where I know what works for me and I’m able to plan to maintain. For instance, knowing I’ll go months without widows’ benefits, I’ve been buying my key supplements in advance. Part of them anyway. I could never have done that before.

The biggest change is peace. I always tried to stay focused on God, and had His gift of peace, but the peace that comes from no constant strife and no 24/7 television? That is something I still delight over. My home is so quiet most of the time that…it’s bliss.

And it’s true. I really don’t own a television and it’s by choice. Many people think I’m nuts, but on those rare occasions when I’m in the mood, like during this season of The Voice, I watch with my sister on the couch that’s only steps away. (And yes, I’m glad Huntley won, though I felt the last four all could have.)

I’ve been asked if I plan to stay in my tiny home until Jesus comes back. Yes, unless God has a different plan, I do. I am happier here than I have been anywhere. I hate housework, and this requires almost none. I love silence and this gives me much. I have family right here, and love the casual time I spend with them.

Yeah, that’s a big part of why I’m so thankful this Christmas season. Casual fellowship with family is a beautiful thing. It doesn’t have to be planned; it just happens. Even my grandson pops in on occasion, sometimes with his fiancé, and that sort of thing never would have happened before. Frankly, it would have made me uncomfortable on many levels back when Jack ruled the house.

As I celebrate Jesus this season and look to 2024 with anticipation, my heart is full. There were so many years when… Nah, not even going to think about those years. They’re over. God has brought me into a new season.

“Look, the winter is past, and the rains are over and gone. The flowers are springing up, the season of singing birds has come, and the cooing of turtledoves fills the air.”
‭‭Song of Songs‬ ‭2:11-12‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Celebrating Jesus!

Tammy C

Sometimes You Just Need a Do Over

Tammy M Cardwell2 Comments
Back to the Beginning

Years ago, my aunt gave me starts from my grandmother’s hen and chicks plant. That plant, which grew quite large, was my favorite of everything I had. It was the only plant I brought with me to my new place.

But on the day of the move I was tired and stupid. I parked a plant that had been inside for nearly a year outside in full sun while we were in a drought with hundred degree days. I cooked Granny’s plant.

Once things calmed down and I’d regained a few brain cells, I went outside to check it out and discovered a few (exactly 7) pieces that were still hanging on. In hopes of salvaging something, I cut them off and put them in water to hopefully root.

They did root, and today I was able to put them in this cute little planter on my window shelf. And I felt better. Granny, or the plant she nurtured, is with me again just as I’d hoped. Even better than I’d hoped, actually, because while this little planter works on my window shelf the larger plant could only be outside.

Sometimes we mess up. Sometimes we blow it so completely that we destroy something we love. But then there is grace. God cares about even the little things in my life, and though I’d personally signed that plant’s death warrant He saved part of it for me.

So…I start over. I’ll care for this new pot and get to watch my plant grow all over again, see the crazy ways it spreads out, and start new plants off fallen leaves. Grace gave me back what I’d thought completely lost and now I’m totally prepared to move on forward without feeling quite so bad about that particular mistake.

Sometimes going back to the beginning is a blessing.

Celebrating Jesus!

Tammy C

Only in the Night

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Eleven years ago, a friend and neighbor called me late at night, telling me that I absolutely had to head over to witness something she was sure I had never seen. She was right.

Night Blooming Cereus, at least the particular plant you see in this admittedly not-great photo, only blooms at night, and only blooms once a year. I’d seen it many times during the day and it was a remarkable plant – remarkable in that it wasn’t all that attractive. She cared for it tenderly though, and nurtured it, because of how glorious it is on that one night a year.

I spent a lot of time over there that night, chatting with my friends and admiring a thing of beauty that was entirely new to me. What if I’d not been home? What if I’d refused to respond to the invitation? I would have missed out, and I would’ve had no idea what I was missing.

The fact is, there are a lot of beautiful things we can only see in the dark. Plants like this one, fireworks, the stars…

The same applies to dark times in our lives. Frankly, there are many truly wonderful things that can only be seen and understood when we let God lead us through the night.

Do we want to walk in the dark? Not really, no. But just like I would have missed that one-night-only flower if I’d refused to accept the invitation and step out, we miss many nighttime-only lessons when we refuse to let God lead us through those dark days of our lives.

Uncomfortable? Undeniably.

Potentially fear inducing? Yep.

Profitable? Beyond our wildest imaginations.

Celebrating Jesus!

Tammy C

Don’t Get Ahead of God

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One of my group members (Experiencing the Bible for Christians) recently posted something simple that instantly triggered a memory.

Don’t get ahead of God.

It’s kind of obvious. We all know about Abraham and Sarah and how, when they decided to get ahead of God, they ended up with Ishmael – and problems. Even so, this morning, when thinking about her post, I had a flashback.

I’m not sure how old I was. I was definitely old enough to know better, though I was still a kid. We’d gone to the store and were walking across the parking lot with Mother when I decided she and my sister were too slow. So I took off, getting ahead of them. In seconds, Mother called my name in panic and a glance showed me I’d been crossing the path of an oncoming car. Thankfully, the driver had quick responses and I wasn’t hit. I got a good talking to that day. I also learned the absolute necessity of looking both ways instead of running blindly forward.

Don’t get ahead of God.

There’s a reason He holds us to a certain pace, and we have no way of knowing what that reason is until He tells us, if He tells us. When we get ahead of Him, we can really mess things up. When we get ahead of Him, we can also get hurt, sometimes badly. Life can be like that car that was quickly bearing down on me; we need to stay sensitive to our Father and not walk out in front of something that can mow us down.

Don’t get ahead of God.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Who’s in Your Corner?

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I was honored, today, by being asked to take on a new ministry responsibility. I accepted readily, because I believe in my boss’ ability to hear from God. That does not mean I was confident in my own ability to fulfill the role.

I immediately leapt into studying and preparation, but even after more encouragement from she who asked me, I had doubts about me. So after work I played it smart and texted my sister asking for prayer. She agreed to pray, but she also sent the following.

“I remember how scared you were before your first speaking engagement at a conference. And look how you came through that.

“I remember how scared you were before you got your job at Bath and Bodyworks and you rocked it.

“Need I go on?”

She didn’t need to. Those reminders of past victories were all it took. She Who Is Always In My Corner came through for me again.

We all need someone who’s in our corner, someone we can rely on for encouragement and pep talks. (Likewise, we need to be the same for others.)

Who’s in your corner?

Celebrating Jesus!

Tammy C

Life & Death, Heaven & Hell

Tammy M Cardwell2 Comments

On Thursday, I will attend the funeral of a man who has been dear to me for decades – a friend, a teacher, a mentor… my bonus father. And yeah…tomorrow is Father’s Day and I don’t have either of my fathers around now. It’s been a rough few days. I’ve been distracted, off kilter, and just not me. I’ve cried, and cried again. That’s all ok. It’s not a bad thing, admitting that you hurt.

But, on the other side, I know exactly where he is, that he is finally free from the sickness that has held him bound for years, that he is exactly where he has been working to get to his whole life.

As 1 Thess. 4:13 reminds us, for Christians grief is different. Unlike those “out there,” who have no hope, we have the confidence that those who leave this life knowing Jesus enter the next one getting to know Him truly face to face. I’m thrilled for him. Honestly, I’m not a little jealous that he beat me there. Selfish? Yeah, well…

But I say all of that to say this… This reminds me, once again, that people die every day without knowing Jesus, without having accepted salvation. I literally don’t want anyone, not the worst person on Earth, to spend eternity in Hell, and I need to be doing my part to draw as many as I can to the foot of the cross and beyond. We all do.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C