testimony

Sometimes You Just Keep Fighting

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

Last Saturday we had our annual crawfish boil and auction. It’s a massive fundraising event that provides the bulk of what we need for our many missions and outreach projects. The devil hates Operation BAM (The umbrella organization) and every year I remind my teams to keep the auction and everyone involved with it – our whole church, actually – in prayer because one thing that is consistent where this event it concerned is demonic attack.

This year we faced those attacks on a whole new level; members of our congregation were hit so often and so hard that I knew we were about to see something truly supernatural. The attacks kept on to even the day of, when a vital app crashed and required our silent auction team to pivot and make it work the old fashioned way.

That’s the big picture. Now mine.

At the end of March/early April, I discovered two things: Gnats had found their way into my apartment and I am terribly allergic to gnat bites. We started doing what we could to get rid of the gnats, and are still working on getting rid of them. (Many people have told me they’re exceptionally bad this year.) I also attacked my physical symptoms with everything I could – under my primary care’s supervision.

At one point, my chest and neck might as well have been one massive welt. Controlling the itch was a constant, 24/7 issue. At night, I was waking up every hour or hour and a half practically clawing my skin off, jumping up to re-medicate, suffering until the itching eased, and then trying to get a little sleep before it started again. In other words, I went weeks getting maybe three hours of sleep a night.

At the same time, I was taking massive doses of antihistamine. I was taking so much antihistamine that there was no way I could hydrate sufficiently. It was only near the end of this traumatic time that I remembered things like Liquid IV; I wasn’t thinking overly clearly. No surprise there; if you know anything about the dangers of sleep deprivation and dehydration, you can imagine where I was physically and emotionally. Actually, and mentally.

Demonic attack. Seriously.

This whole time, I was doing my part to prepare for the auction. This is part of my calling, and I intended to get the job done. I knew it was an attack, and I wasn’t going to let the devil win.

That last week before the auction was the worst. I was truly sick the whole week. In fact, there was a point at which I admitted, only to myself, that I might not make it through the whole week, much less through the event itself. Everything I did was a struggle, because I was physically drained and wasn’t able to think straight, and I was so concerned about making mistakes that I had someone check my work periodically. In point of fact, I did make some mistakes that I’ve had to clean up.

But I refused to give up the fight.

When God gives you an important assignment, the devil is going to try to distract you, derail you, stop you. I know this, and I was determined to give everything I had even if that everything wasn’t enough. I did make it through the week, and through the auction (with an unbelievably massive headache that didn’t respond to any medication), praying and relying on God to help me. I did what a good soldier does on the battlefield. I kept on fighting, moving forward one step at a time, convinced that God was in the process of working miracles. And He did.

We raised just under $200,000.00.

That sounds like a massive amount of money, and it is. The specific number was $197,500 which, if I remember correctly, is about $30,000 higher than our highest year to date. BAM stands for Be A Miracle, and this will enable us to be a miracle to even more people, more organizations, and more disaster areas than we ever have. And I was part of it!

Because I kept fighting.

The gnats are still around, though they don’t get in my apartment quite so easily now and the trap and spray I’m using pretty much kills them when they do. I also, thanks to the suggestion of a wise friend, bought a mosquito net for my bed and that’s kept me from being bitten while I slept. Now that it’s not being constantly irritated by new bites, my skin is clearing up and I’m definitely healing. Thursday night, for the first time in a month, I slept eight hours, and I’ve slept at least eight hours a night since then. This morning, driving to church, I realized that I finally felt right again – totally rested, thinking clearly, genuinely ready for another day.

All because I refused to give in and denied the devil the victory. As bad as it got, I won because I kept fighting.

Never give up!

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

At Last It All Makes Sense

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

What follows is adapted from my journal, specifically from my journal on January 14th, 2023.

I’ve never doubted that God had me marry Jack. The night I said, “Yes” to Jack’s proposal, God and I had a conversation as I was walking back into my house; it is still clear in my mind. But I did ask Him, just now, “Why did you have me marry him? Was it so You could get Thomas and Terry?” I thought about it a microsecond and went on, “Because if so, it’s a price well paid.” Before I could think another thought, He said, “And so I could get you.”

I literally jumped. I’m not sure I would have been more startled if I’d heard God’s audible voice. I knew instantly what He meant. He meant that I am who I am today because of all that Jack put me through. God knew going in what would happen, what fruit would be produced in me – and He wanted that person.

…

I had to put the pen down for a few minutes. The revelation was truly overwhelming, tear inducing. God wants the me of today AND has specifically been working to get me here all along.

…

Everything I went through, every decision I made – even the decisions not to leave when offered escape, and to let him force himself back into my life after I had left the one time – have all worked together to make me who I am today.

From 2010 to last October, living with and serving a man who was growing increasingly ill and would have died without me served to further mold me into the person I am right now.

Who is she? (Here God started talking, fast, and I began taking dictation.)

  • Someone who has learned compassion
  • Someone who has learned forgiveness
  • Someone who has learned faithfulness
  • Someone who has learned faith
  • Someone who has learned how to stand under attack
  • Someone who has learned who the real enemy is and that men are only the enemy’s tools
  • Someone who has learned how to fight
  • Someone who has learned how to love
  • Someone who has learned how to bear with the weak
  • Someone who has learned patience
  • Someone who has learned generosity
  • Someone who has learned to live with nothing
  • Someone who has learned to be content no matter her state
  • Someone who has learned that stuff is only stuff
  • Someone who has learned how not to be afraid
  • Someone who has learned to let God lead
  • Someone who has learned to give up the right to self
  • Someone who has learned to trust herself
  • Someone who has learned to speak up
  • Someone who has learned she can
  • Someone who has learned she has much to offer
  • Someone who has learned “forever”
  • Someone who has learned she still has a future here
  • Someone who has learned it’s never too late
  • Someone who has learned that nothing is impossible with God
  • Someone who has learned true freedom
  • Someone who has learned how to live
  • Someone who has learned not to fear death
  • Someone who has learned not to fear man
  • Someone who has learned not to fear the future
  • Someone who has learned not to run away
  • Someone who has learned how to stand strong
  • Someone who has learned to own up to her mistakes
  • Someone who has learned to let God lead (Interesting that He had me write this twice. LOL!)
  • Someone who has learned to step out
  • Someone who has learned to move into the unknown
  • Someone who has learned that dreams can become reality
  • Someone who has learned to truly care about others
  • Someone who has learned how to care for others
  • Someone who has learned to stand up for what she believes in
  • Someone who has learned courage
  • Someone who has learned when not to fight
  • Someone who has learned that confrontation can be profitable
  • Someone who has learned that comfort isn’t necessary
  • Someone who has learned that she doesn’t have to have all she wants – and wants can change
  • Someone who has learned her Father wants to give her desires and fulfill those desires
  • Someone who has learned to dream big
  • Someone who has learned to plan for Eternity
  • Someone who has learned to learn
  • Someone who has learned to take correction – to be discipled
  • Someone who has learned to press through
  • Someone who has learned how to draw lines
  • Someone who has learned how to set boundaries
  • Someone who has learned to be open to new experiences
  • Someone who has learned how to take praise
  • Someone who has learned how to take criticism
  • Someone who has learned to “blow off the blowhards”
  • Someone who has learned to expect the unexpected – and not fear it
  • Someone who has learned how to share her heart
  • Someone who has learned how to let others get credit for her work
  • Someone who has learned to turn the other cheek
  • Someone who has learned to walk the extra mile
  • Someone who has learned to give her shirt
  • Someone who has learned to meet her obligations
  • Someone who has learned how to say, “No”
  • Someone who has learned when to say, “No”
  • Someone who has learned to trust
  • Someone who has learned to teach
  • Someone who has learned what to teach
  • Someone who has learned share the word of the Lord (Sharing a word from God in specific situations)
  • Someone who has learned when not to share the word of the Lord
  • Someone who has learned when to keep her mouth shut
  • Someone who has learned to worship
  • Someone who has learned to prepare for visions from God
  • Someone who has learned how to get into His presence
  • Someone who has learned how to walk in His presense
  • Someone who has learned she never walks alone
  • Someone who has learned to lean into His Word
  • Someone who has learned that if she were physically able to keep recording (taking dictation) God would keep telling her all the things she’s learned that are important to Him – that He can use

It used to be common to hear someone say that they got their Masters from The School of Hard Knocks. I did, and God knew I would. He knew I would graduate with flying colors, coming out uniquely prepared for what He has in mind for me. That’s why He led me to that school, told me to marry Jack.

Sitting here, thinking about it, it’s definitely a fair trade. Other people come out of universities every day with advanced degrees that won’t do them any good in Eternity, and debt that may potentially follow them for the rest of their lives. I’ve come out of the School of Hard Knocks (Jack Cardwell University LOL!) owing no man, prepared for Eternity, and uniquely able to help so many others.

Yes, at long last, after the decades of questions and spending much of October fighting the urge to beat myself up for not leaving him long ago, for letting him treat me and the kids as he did, I finally understand. At long last, the past 40 years make sense and I can see that they have served a purpose.

I feel like someone who’s just been handed that final diploma, whose been told she’s earned the right to put those treasured letters after her name. I’ve been a new person since Jack died. Like that recent graduate, I’m ready for the next adventure, to do the next thing, to take on the world. I’m free to be the me God’s had in mind all along.

And I’m celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C