husband

You’re Not Protecting the Kids

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

Please understand that everything I say in this series comes not from professional counseling or professionally collected statistics. I come to you as one whose husband was a narcissist, and as a woman who has an unsettling number of friends who were also married to narcissists. Each of our experiences was different, yet also disturbingly alike in many ways. The fact that living with their narcissist fathers seriously, negatively, affected our children is consistent.

Our children are one huge reason so many victims stay with narcissistic spouses (and yes, it can be the wife who is the narcissist). They are one of the reasons I stayed, for sure. How could it be right to deprive them of a father, after all?

Except it wasn’t me who deprived them of a father; it was their father. He had time for them if he could benefit from the “investment,” but for the most part… Well, let’s just say I wasn’t surprised by my oldest son’s reaction to the news that I didn’t want to have a funeral or even a memorial.

He was relieved. As it turned out, he and his brother had already discussed how they could possibly come up with something nice to say about their dad if they had to speak at a funeral. 

And that right there pretty much says it all. Well, not all. It gets worse.

See, I thought I was protecting them, but instead I was not only not protecting them, I was letting it appear that I was complicit. For instance, every summer for several years I worked the homeschool curriculum fair circuit with my publisher and another vendor to earn money for the curriculum and supplies Jack claimed to be unable to afford. It was a God thing for which I was very grateful. I was also grateful for my amazing mother-in-law, who let them stay with her every time I had to leave. Every. Time.

From the day they were born, Jack would not be responsible for his sons. Period. Plus, with me gone and the kids gone, he was free to spend all the time he wanted with other women. The problem was that I never made it clear to the kids what was happening so, as I found out much later, they thought we were going on vacation all the time and leaving them behind.

Nope. No vacation. Well, I think in the 41 years we were married we took two, and our youngest, who was a baby, went with us on the first.

So yeah, I was not only failing to protect them from his neglect; I was letting it appear that I was actively choosing to neglect them too. It’s no wonder that, as adults, they spent a lot of time not coming around.

And then there is another family, and the kids who fell completely for their father’s brainwashing. They were there when things went down, violent things; some were even victims of the violence, but to my knowledge he has most of them convinced that all the problems they had were a result of their mother’s actions. They don’t speak to her today.

I can’t go on. I can’t share the other stories I’ve heard, the pain and suffering innocent children have gone through as their narcissistic fathers dealt out mental and emotional abuse, gaslighted, isolated… all while their innocent mothers thought they were doing what was right, trying to be the good wife, trying to avoid divorce, falling for the lie that they were the ones with the problem, that they were crazy, that they were unhinged, that they were lying and those things never happened.

Mama (or Dad), if you choose to keep walking the walk with God by your side, YOU CAN survive and even thrive while continuing to live with your narcissist: I did. But don’t assume that you’ll be able to protect your kids. God can, but you can’t. If God tells you to stay put, then by all means stay put. But if He doesn’t…

And here I repeat myself, as I expect to throughout this series. Abuse comes in many forms that are not physical, and in my opinion it’s the non-physical abuse that leaves the most open wounds. If you are a parent, this isn’t just about you; it’s about your kids too, and you need to go to God before you decide to keep them in an abusive situation.

They’re worth it. They’re worth everything.

And so are you!

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Truth Matters: Be Honest with at Least One Person You Trust

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

This is a hard one, I know. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you have every reason not to discuss your situation with anyone, but you need to. There are a few reasons why, and this first one is important.

I have a friend who, many years ago, was married to a man who was so controlling and emotionally abusive that he actually told her once that if she weren’t pregnant he would kill her. She did what I did, though, and she was even better at it; she hid all evidence and protected his reputation at all costs. 

Ultimately, one of the biggest costs was that, when she finally left him, people condemned her for walking out on her godly husband. Even family judged her for breaking her marriage vows. Why? Because she’d never told anyone the truth. There was not one shred of evidence that she wasn’t simply acting selfishly. You can imagine what this did to her when she was already hurting, feeling broken.

Sharing with someone you trust can also keep you grounded, help you see reality – like understanding when your narcissist is gaslighting you, making you feel like you’re the one at fault or you’re imagining a non-existent problem and events didn’t occur as you recall them. It can also help set the stage for a later escape if you need one. You may not think that will ever happen, but the fact is you don’t really know what’s coming.

Although my husband didn’t do this, I know many tend to isolate their victims, separating them from their friends and family as much as possible. Sharing what you’re going through can reassure you that you’re not alone; it can help guarantee you will never be entirely on your own, even when your narcissist works hard to see to it that you are.

In short, sharing with someone you trust is like keeping your hand on a lifeline when you’re in deep water. I highly recommend in!

Having said that, you do need to know that people in certain positions are required by law to report physical abuse. For instance, I’m a church secretary; if you were to tell me your husband was abusing you physically, I would have to report it. The same holds for people in several other positions. So, if you don’t want anything reported, either choose someone who isn’t bound by this law or be careful what you tell them. Again, I’m only talking about physical abuse here, meaning that’s all we’re required to report.

I wish I didn’t have to talk about abuse at all. This isn’t the happiest topic to be covering, but there are too many out there who are still dealing with the sort of thing I lived through, and I can’t ignore them. I want to help in what little ways I’m able; and I want to obey God, who led me to write this series.

You are not alone.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Yes, It IS Abuse

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

In talking to others who have lived with abusive narcissists, I’ve learned that I was not alone in one area – failing to acknowledge the abuse. Pretty much everyone is familiar with physical abuse, recognizing it for what it is. Of course, many stay with their physically abusive narcissists even so for various reasons, often simply as a result of the abusers’ “gift” for convincing their victims they brought the abuse on themselves.

Gaslighting. It’s a terrible thing. And yes, I fell for that too. There’s one area in particular…one very uncomfortable area, I feel I need to talk about even though I’d rather avoid the topic entirely. Frankly, it’s too common to ignore.

Not surprisingly, his “having” to find other women was my fault because I wasn’t “taking care of him” sexually. Women deal with this one a lot. As is true in most cases, anything that goes wrong, or anything he or she does wrong, is NOT the fault of the narcissist. But the sex thing? Seriously, how did I not…?

This is going to sound ridiculous; I know it is.
Just, if you have no experience with narcissism, please
understand these people are good at what they do.
They’re incredibly skilled at making wrong seem right.

I tried to be the good wife. I tried to satisfy his needs. But he stacked the deck against me.

He was a night owl our whole marriage, living on maybe three hours of sleep for years. When we got married, I was an “in bed by 8:00” girl, but he “cured” me of that and eventually my bedtime, such as it was, moved back to 10PM. When I was ready to go to bed I’d let him know I was heading that way.

You know what I mean: I was saying, without saying it, “If you want any attention, now’s the time.” Then I would make my way to the bedroom knowing full well I couldn’t go to sleep right away because he wasn’t about to follow me. Most nights, no matter how hard I tried not to, I would fall asleep before he came to bed and then, sometimes an hour later, sometimes four hours later, he would either wake me up or attempt to wake me, fail, and get ticked off.

THAT is how I “wasn’t taking care of him.” And it wasn’t until after he passed away that it dawned on me this was intentional. It wasn’t him being so involved in what he was doing that he lost track of time. It was that he wanted what he wanted on his terms. He wanted to call the shots – always. He also wanted to solidify the fact that I was refusing to meet his needs like a godly wife should. Even though I knew in my heart of hearts that his attitude was way wrong, I spent years feeling like a terrible wife because I wasn’t able to stay awake until he was ready.

You’re shaking your head at the idiocy. Yep, I get it.

But, again, that’s the way it is with narcissism and gaslighting. Everything is someone else’s fault, and that someone else is usually convinced of this untruth with disgusting ease. I honestly wonder if there’s not something spiritual, like demonic, going on even beyond the unnatural ability these people possess.

When I say he abused me pretty much every way but physically, I really do mean it. For instance, financially. He would go out and blow all of our money on things like baseball cards, comic books, and eating expensive lunches every day at work. At the same time, he would leave bills unpaid (or hit up his mother for money to pay them – he worked her too), buy snacks instead of real food (because he did the grocery shopping instead of me doing it and being yelled at), and have to be talked into important purchases like new clothes for the kids or myself. 

This is slightly off topic for this particular post, but I want to say it anyway. While Jack was a stinking, rotten, lousy provider, God wasn’t. Through me, as I was doing my best to walk close to Him, God brought in many utility payments, groceries, etc. He also arranged for me to work, every summer, to earn the homeschool curriculum Jack insisted he had no money for. Too, God provided me with a part time job that paid in clothing, so while I was in a highly visible ministry at church I was well dressed regardless of my husband’s refusal to clothe me. Through everything, God was always faithful!

I could keep going, but hopefully you get the point. Some things aren’t really abuse, but when it comes to narcissists… Yeah, if you think it might be abuse, it probably is. Recognizing the fact, and refusing to accept blame that doesn’t belong on your shoulders, will help you keep your head above water.

Again (I’ll probably say this in every post.), if you’re a child of God and you need out of a narcissistic relationship, God can make a way of escape. I am totally responsible for the fact that my boys and I didn’t exit stage left decades ago. God offered me more than one opportunity to leave, and I didn’t take them; that’s on me.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

The Power of Refusing to Care

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

The last lesson I learned in the decades of living with my narcissistic husband is one of the most powerful. Oh, how I wish I’d learned it sooner!

He spent most of our marriage manipulating me in a variety of ways. Anger was one of his most useful weapons. Because of childhood trauma, I avoided confrontation at all cost, and couldn’t handle shouting or outbursts of rage. I did my best to keep such events from occurring, swallowing my hurt, my fear, and pretty much every other emotion. In truth, even before I met Jack, Star Trek’s Mr. Spock was my hero and I strove for the safety of that type of emotional mastery.

This hindered me in more ways than I can list, especially in relationships – even in my relationship with God. Honestly, it’s only been in the last ten years or so that God and I have managed to break open the door I’d so firmly kept my emotions locked behind. Until then, they only appeared when they completely overwhelmed me.

None of this means Jack couldn’t hurt me emotionally. It means, rather, that I fought a continual battle to keep the pain locked away in a vault. And if you’ve done any study on the topic at all, you know how toxic and dangerous such actions can be.

As those emotions were loosed, as they began coming out, Jack discovered a greater weapon. Due to his poor health, he had lost much of the power he’d previously held, but now that I dared “feel” again he took advantage, making ridiculous accusations, threats of self-harm, and more that were like finely sharpened knives.

Until THAT day.

Some days, some moments, are so pivotal that you never forget them. One of those moments changed things almost instantly in an incredible way. I had a sudden revelation that he only had the power to hurt me if I let him. Intellectually, I’d known this, but like I said – revelation. In that moment of epiphany, I decided it was high time I stopped caring about what he said.

I literally stood there in our living room, as I was about to walk out the door, and whispered to myself (My apologies; this is a direct quote.), “I don’t give a shit.”

Crass? Yes, but it’s what I said, and I meant it. I was free! I actively chose not to care about anything destructive that he said. I shut down the “victim” response like flipping a switch, and it was astounding! It also shocked me in a very real way. Anyone watching would have seen my eyes go wide in amaze. And then I smiled, and I walked out the door.

Things changed after that. He grew increasingly confused as his primary weapon proved less and less effective. Every once in a while, something he would say would start to get to me and I’d have to remind myself, “Tammy, you don’t give a shit.” (I feel uncomfortable typing that, but I promised myself that I would strive for transparency in this place.)

He still did other things, like intentionally trash the house to punish me, but as frustrating as that was the worst was over. The last several months of his life were much easier on me, first because he’d lost that hold on my emotions and then because, as he came to understand his new reality, he put less effort into those attacks.

I really do wish I’d learned this lesson years ago.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Surviving Narcissism: Introduction to the Series

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

This is the start of a new series that,
while extremely uncomfortable, I feel compelled to write.

If you’ve been following my blog for the last year or so, you know my husband of 41 years was an abusive narcissist. He wasn’t physically abusive (He was too smart for that), but anyone who has been in my situation knows there are myriad ways one person can abuse another. He did. The sad thing is I didn’t even recognize a lot of what he did AS abuse until after he passed away.

Before I go any further, let me say that I realize some readers may find it upsetting that I would write about my deceased husband in such a negative light, because yes, we are going there. In this culture, we are taught to never speak ill of the dead, so I am aware that my posts may offend some of you. Please understand that I have chosen to write this series not to hurt anyone or to bash the man who gave me two awesome sons.

As hard as it may be to believe, I loved Jack Cardwell and supported him as best I could while he lived. However, I have this unique opportunity to give voice to all the women who have been silenced by fear—whether they remain in an unhealthy relationship or are simply trying to stay safe in a world where their ex is still a threat. I’ve wrestled with the pros and cons of sharing my story, for all the reasons you can imagine. But I’m choosing to follow John 8:32, believing the truth will help set others free the way it has done for me.

I’m not ready to address the whole issue of why I stayed with him all those years. The answers are so complicated I don’t understand them even after more than a year of freedom and trying to comprehend my own actions. What I am ready to share, however, is some of the lessons I learned the hard way. 

I believe, am almost positive, I shared fairly recently that I truly see this as me having gone through the school of hard knocks and received my degree. I am who I am today not in spite of the twisted life I’ve lived, but because of it. I am strong. I am unafraid. I am uniquely qualified to step up and support others who are walking the road I’ve walked. While most spend many financially expensive years locked away in college training to work in their chosen fields, I spent decades in a marriage training for the field that chose me.

My goal with this series, at least right now, is to release one post a week, and I have a sketchy idea of the topics I’ll cover. The first lesson I’ll share will, sadly, be the last lesson I learned. This one revelation, and implementing it, triggered an overnight change. It cut down on my stress level in an astounding way and left him reeling over the amount of control he had lost. It was so simple it’s stupid that it took me so long to grasp the concept.

As hard as it is to believe, it is entirely possible to not only survive your relationship with a narcissist, but to thrive in it, to use the experience to become a stronger Christian and a stronger person. Having said that, I am not encouraging anyone to stay in a destructive relationship they should walk out on. I just know from personal experience how hard it can be to make that move, to walk away and not turn back.

Yes, I turned back. We were separated for six months, but he was like a leech that wouldn’t let go. Eventually, he talked me into working on getting back together and then, a month into those talks, he had the heart attack that led to a triple bypass and then a stroke. At that point I felt I had no choice. I knew he couldn’t survive without me; honestly, there wasn’t a soul left alive who would have taken care of him. So, we started over with me hoping for better and not getting it.

Again, follow this series not as encouragement to stay in a bad situation. You do have a choice, to stay or to go, even if you don’t see an out right now. Do follow along for encouragement that there is hope for you even if you do feel permanently trapped.

Life can get better, and you can become someone you never dared dream you could be.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

At Last It All Makes Sense

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

What follows is adapted from my journal, specifically from my journal on January 14th, 2023.

I’ve never doubted that God had me marry Jack. The night I said, “Yes” to Jack’s proposal, God and I had a conversation as I was walking back into my house; it is still clear in my mind. But I did ask Him, just now, “Why did you have me marry him? Was it so You could get Thomas and Terry?” I thought about it a microsecond and went on, “Because if so, it’s a price well paid.” Before I could think another thought, He said, “And so I could get you.”

I literally jumped. I’m not sure I would have been more startled if I’d heard God’s audible voice. I knew instantly what He meant. He meant that I am who I am today because of all that Jack put me through. God knew going in what would happen, what fruit would be produced in me – and He wanted that person.

…

I had to put the pen down for a few minutes. The revelation was truly overwhelming, tear inducing. God wants the me of today AND has specifically been working to get me here all along.

…

Everything I went through, every decision I made – even the decisions not to leave when offered escape, and to let him force himself back into my life after I had left the one time – have all worked together to make me who I am today.

From 2010 to last October, living with and serving a man who was growing increasingly ill and would have died without me served to further mold me into the person I am right now.

Who is she? (Here God started talking, fast, and I began taking dictation.)

  • Someone who has learned compassion
  • Someone who has learned forgiveness
  • Someone who has learned faithfulness
  • Someone who has learned faith
  • Someone who has learned how to stand under attack
  • Someone who has learned who the real enemy is and that men are only the enemy’s tools
  • Someone who has learned how to fight
  • Someone who has learned how to love
  • Someone who has learned how to bear with the weak
  • Someone who has learned patience
  • Someone who has learned generosity
  • Someone who has learned to live with nothing
  • Someone who has learned to be content no matter her state
  • Someone who has learned that stuff is only stuff
  • Someone who has learned how not to be afraid
  • Someone who has learned to let God lead
  • Someone who has learned to give up the right to self
  • Someone who has learned to trust herself
  • Someone who has learned to speak up
  • Someone who has learned she can
  • Someone who has learned she has much to offer
  • Someone who has learned “forever”
  • Someone who has learned she still has a future here
  • Someone who has learned it’s never too late
  • Someone who has learned that nothing is impossible with God
  • Someone who has learned true freedom
  • Someone who has learned how to live
  • Someone who has learned not to fear death
  • Someone who has learned not to fear man
  • Someone who has learned not to fear the future
  • Someone who has learned not to run away
  • Someone who has learned how to stand strong
  • Someone who has learned to own up to her mistakes
  • Someone who has learned to let God lead (Interesting that He had me write this twice. LOL!)
  • Someone who has learned to step out
  • Someone who has learned to move into the unknown
  • Someone who has learned that dreams can become reality
  • Someone who has learned to truly care about others
  • Someone who has learned how to care for others
  • Someone who has learned to stand up for what she believes in
  • Someone who has learned courage
  • Someone who has learned when not to fight
  • Someone who has learned that confrontation can be profitable
  • Someone who has learned that comfort isn’t necessary
  • Someone who has learned that she doesn’t have to have all she wants – and wants can change
  • Someone who has learned her Father wants to give her desires and fulfill those desires
  • Someone who has learned to dream big
  • Someone who has learned to plan for Eternity
  • Someone who has learned to learn
  • Someone who has learned to take correction – to be discipled
  • Someone who has learned to press through
  • Someone who has learned how to draw lines
  • Someone who has learned how to set boundaries
  • Someone who has learned to be open to new experiences
  • Someone who has learned how to take praise
  • Someone who has learned how to take criticism
  • Someone who has learned to “blow off the blowhards”
  • Someone who has learned to expect the unexpected – and not fear it
  • Someone who has learned how to share her heart
  • Someone who has learned how to let others get credit for her work
  • Someone who has learned to turn the other cheek
  • Someone who has learned to walk the extra mile
  • Someone who has learned to give her shirt
  • Someone who has learned to meet her obligations
  • Someone who has learned how to say, “No”
  • Someone who has learned when to say, “No”
  • Someone who has learned to trust
  • Someone who has learned to teach
  • Someone who has learned what to teach
  • Someone who has learned share the word of the Lord (Sharing a word from God in specific situations)
  • Someone who has learned when not to share the word of the Lord
  • Someone who has learned when to keep her mouth shut
  • Someone who has learned to worship
  • Someone who has learned to prepare for visions from God
  • Someone who has learned how to get into His presence
  • Someone who has learned how to walk in His presense
  • Someone who has learned she never walks alone
  • Someone who has learned to lean into His Word
  • Someone who has learned that if she were physically able to keep recording (taking dictation) God would keep telling her all the things she’s learned that are important to Him – that He can use

It used to be common to hear someone say that they got their Masters from The School of Hard Knocks. I did, and God knew I would. He knew I would graduate with flying colors, coming out uniquely prepared for what He has in mind for me. That’s why He led me to that school, told me to marry Jack.

Sitting here, thinking about it, it’s definitely a fair trade. Other people come out of universities every day with advanced degrees that won’t do them any good in Eternity, and debt that may potentially follow them for the rest of their lives. I’ve come out of the School of Hard Knocks (Jack Cardwell University LOL!) owing no man, prepared for Eternity, and uniquely able to help so many others.

Yes, at long last, after the decades of questions and spending much of October fighting the urge to beat myself up for not leaving him long ago, for letting him treat me and the kids as he did, I finally understand. At long last, the past 40 years make sense and I can see that they have served a purpose.

I feel like someone who’s just been handed that final diploma, whose been told she’s earned the right to put those treasured letters after her name. I’ve been a new person since Jack died. Like that recent graduate, I’m ready for the next adventure, to do the next thing, to take on the world. I’m free to be the me God’s had in mind all along.

And I’m celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Back in the Saddle?

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

I wish I didn’t have to put a question mark on this title, but life is an odd thing. It can throw you.

In many ways, things have been intense since Jack passed away and I entered widowhood. I spent weeks working on the apartment, adapting it to me-only living, and then I spent weeks going through decades worth of records and papers and…stuff. Losing my husband made me acutely aware of what my kids would be dealing with if something were to happen to me, so I set about ensuring that transition would be as easy as possible. Just today I put the finish to the last piece of the puzzle: The Book. It contains pretty much every legal and informational paper they might need at my passing. Except all my passwords. I do need to work on that.

All that to say this. As of now, with that last task complete, I feel like my brain is my own again. (Happy Birthday to me!) Starting today, Son #2 (Owner of pixeldripstudio.com) has begun planning a new website for me, one that will help me do so much more than simply blog, and it’s got me excited and fired up all over again. We’ve been talking style and options and possibilities, and I’m thinking in terms of articles and blog posts and freebies…

I’m also working on converting Experiencing the Bible to ebook format. It’s a challenge for two reasons.
1. While I read ebooks all the time I’ve never learned about their formatting. (I am now!)
2. Part of the print book’s power is the built-in journal. I have to do a bit of rewriting and adjusting to compensate. It won’t be a huge deal for the reader; they’ll just want to invest in a journal to write in. Maybe I’ll even create a matching one myself? Maybe.

So, barring any unforeseen circumstances, I’m back in the saddle and back at work. And it feels GOOD.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C