Emotional Healing

The Day I Put the Poison Down | Forgiveness, Anxiety, and Healing

Tammy M Cardwell2 Comments
Terry Naturally AnxioCalm samples on a wooden counter with the words “Choosing Forgiveness — The Day I Put the Poison Down”

Terry Naturally, a company whose Adrenaplex® is one of my daily supplements,
sent me these samples with my monthly subscription.

I’m not here to review the samples because I haven’t had to use them.

Which is exactly the point of this article.

As I was standing there, seeing them on the counter, I smiled specifically because I DON’T need them. Ever. At all.

This has not always been the case. Twice in my life with Jack I ended up spending a few months on antidepressants. Even when not on the antidepressants, I carried an anti anxiety medication with me for years. Because yes, I needed it.

I took a picture as I stood there specifically because these samples suddenly represented my deliverance from anxiety. And then I spent a few days thinking back, trying to decide when I was finally able to leave it all behind.

I still can’t remember exactly when I stopped using the anti-anxiety meds for anxiety (I found out they were a GREAT antihistamine and did occasionally use them for that for a while), but I believe I found the turning point.

I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure it was the day I REALLY grasped the necessity of forgiveness. I’d worked on forgiving people for years, and honestly was pretty good at it. But it is admittedly hard to daily, even hourly, forgive a spouse who seems determined to break you. There came a day, though, when I finally, truly, understood that my unforgiveness was destroying me.

Read that again, carefully. MY unforgiveness—my refusal to truly forgive my husband—was destroying ME.

We’ve all heard it said that refusing to forgive someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Like so many things, we can agree with the concept in theory while having a terrible time with practical application.

On THAT day I, for the first time, genuinely understood that the choice really was mine. If I were holding a cup of poison and could either drink it or not, the choice would be mine. And that was exactly where I was—holding a cup of poison that was killing me. I could either continue to drink it or I could choose to put it down.

I chose to put it down.

Right there, in that moment.

Over the next hour or so I honestly dealt with my unforgiveness against not only him, but a couple of other people I’d not even realized I was holding out against until God told me. This was deliberate action I took, something in my own heart that I chose to settle.

That decision changed everything.

Before, no matter how hard I tried, I often struggled to forgive Jack and failed. But something changed when I stopped committing to TRY and determined to DO.  When I catch myself feeling even a hint of unforgiveness, I squash it. I may battle it for a minute but I refuse to let it live in me.

And I am no longer being destroyed. If I remember correctly, that day actually came only a year or two before Jack passed away. I told someone not long ago that I can’t help but wonder if God didn’t let him live as long as he did specifically so I could reach this place.

That may sound ridiculous, but unforgiveness really is that destructive.

If you deal with anxiety, Terry Naturally’s new product may well help. But if you also struggle to forgive, I guarantee that learning to genuinely forgive will make a huge difference.

But you have to choose not just to try, but to do. And God is ready and waiting to help you do it!

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Healing Takes Time

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

One of my TikTok videos resulted in a strong response from victims of narcissist abuse. That response led me to take my Surviving Narcissism series, at least in part, to the app.

My goal in life, and on TikTok (@tmcardwell), is to help people grow in their relationships with God and the Bible. While I’d planned to focus primarily on things like Bible study and growing closer to God, I’ve discovered that being there for domestic abuse victims is part of God’s plan. Some of the responses I’ve received are heartbreaking; there are so many out there who have had no hope.

Interestingly, recording this series has made me aware of something I hadn’t fully realized. I think it’s human nature to want to simply put the past behind us and move forward. To an extent that’s exactly what I had done.

God and I have covered a lot of ground in the three years since Jack passed away. But I realized this past week that we’ve definitely not covered it all. Why?

Because healing takes time.

As I talked about how my attempts to “protect” my sons by keeping the family together actually exposed them to their own life-altering trauma, those old wounds I thought were healed opened right back up. Yeah. They were still there, waiting to be dealt with.

So I pulled out a book I reviewed for this series in April of last year. You can read my review of Hope for Healing from Domestic Abuse if you like. I recommend you do if you’re dealing with the results of domestic abuse of any sort. I’ll just say here that this book is helping me all over again as I reread it.

The fact is, healing from any trauma takes time. Recovering from this type of trauma can take a very long time. We can try to ignore our pain, issues, and triggers. Sometimes we can even get away with it for a while. But until we deal with the damage, we’re being held back.

I’ve wondered, at times, if I should seek counseling. I haven’t, because I know I’ve definitely made progress. God has faithfully brought up my issues as I reach the place where I can deal with them.

If you’re still recovering, though – or trying to – know that there is absolutely no shame in seeking professional help. God gave us counselors and therapists for a reason, and sometimes they have the very support we need.

Whatever path you choose to take towards healing, please hear me: There is hope. Real healing is possible. I’m living proof.

Be patient with yourself and give every part of the process to God. Every part: especially the unforgiveness and bitterness that only poison us, no matter how justified they feel. Take it one step at a time.

And celebrate those steps. They matter. And those of us who have also walked this road will happily celebrate with you.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

The following is a complete list of the articles in this series.

Surviving Narcissism: Introduction to the Series
The Power of Refusing to Care
Yes, It IS Abuse
Truth Matters: Be Honest with at Least One Person You Trust
You’re Not Protecting the Kids
Review: Hope for Healing from Domestic Abuse
Your Narcissist is Not Your Real Enemy
Make God Your Refuge

What Do I Say?

Tammy M Cardwell2 Comments

I was in an uncomfortable position, recently. (Understatement Alert)

I’d received a message – heartfelt, pain-filled, and laced with anger – that I knew I needed to respond to. But I didn’t know how.

So, I waited.

I’ve learned that, when my heart is stirred like it was at that point, my first reaction is not usually going to be the best one. In this instance I wasn’t even being asked to respond, not directly, but it was clear I was expected to. So yes, I waited.

I waited until I’d had time to step away from it, to breathe, to do other things and give God a chance to speak. Interestingly, He used TikTok, of all things, to remind me of truths I already knew, but hadn’t put together to apply to this moment.

When God nudged me, letting me know it was time, I returned to the message.

Before I started typing, I prayed:
“You’ve got to give me the words. I can’t do this without you.”

I knew the direction He wanted to go. I knew my heart was in the right place. I just didn’t trust myself to get it right.

And God did what He always does.
He gave me the words.

They sounded like me: If you read them, you’d know I wrote them. But I only typed what He told me to say. Even a part I initially left out, feeling like it would be “too much,” He had me go back and add, and I’m glad I did.

Because I waited.
Because I listened.
Because I trusted.
He gave me the words.

I Knew He would.

I learned this lesson long ago, before my first experience as a conference speaker. I’d done everything I knew to do. I’d researched, studied, prayed, outlined… But I was still unsure of myself. 

As I’d talked to Him about it, God had reassured me:
If He gave Moses the right words, He would do the same for me.

And He did.

My workshops went well, and I’d learned something new and vital. What God did for Moses He really is willing to do for me.

And for you.

He created us. He knows our strengths – and our weaknesses. He understands our messy emotions and our tendency to speak when silence is the better choice – or to hesitate, remaining silent when someone needs hope.

He knows how much we want to represent Him well – not misrepresent Him!
He knows we want to make things better – not worse!

The good news is…

He’s willing to help.
Not just with strength.
Not just with courage.
But with the very words we need to say.

Left to our own devices, we might make a tense situation even worse.
We might miss an opportunity to bring peace, healing, or truth.

But with God?

With God, yes.

We can know what to say.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C