anxiety

The Trifecta – Lessons Learned

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

If you’ve heard my story before, stick with me anyway. Please.

My life, until shortly before I turned 19, was filled with worry. I cannot sufficiently express how completely the worry consumed me. It was so bad, so constant, that it felt normal. And then the pastor of the church God had led me to only months (weeks?) earlier had an altar call for those battling worry.

I was there. So were many others. We lined the altar, standing shoulder to shoulder. Pastor Ronnie started at the end to my right; he prayed for people and they went to sit down. Pray, return to seat. Pray, return to seat. Pray, return to seat. And then there was Tammy.

He stopped in front of me, met my eyes, and said, “Stay right here.”

WHAT?!

Maybe you can imagine how I felt standing there. Worry was obviously a factor. What?! Why?! What was he going to do? Why was I different? How long did I wait? I was so far beyond all kinds of awkward that I have pretty clear memories of those relative hours I spent watching more and more people be prayed for and return to their seats.

After what felt like a month, he came back to me. He was completely serious, and kind, and loving as he stood before this 18-year-old girl he was only just getting to know. We never discussed this moment later, so I don’t know what he was thinking, but I know for a fact that he understood two things.

1. He was aware that my issue was beyond normal worry, that there was a spirit of worry he’d have to deal with.

2. He knew that my brain would need extra help.

As he stood in front of me, he had me hold out my arms. Then he took off his suit jacket and laid it across them. Again looking me in the eyes, he said, “I want you to imagine a river of blood running at your feet. I’m going to pray for you, and when I finish you’re going to drop my jacket. Think of it as your worries and see them disappear under that blood. And realize you’ll have to reach through the blood to pick them up again.”

Now, it’s been over 40 years, so obviously that’s not an exact quote, but you get the idea. He prayed. I don’t remember what he prayed, though I’m sure part of it was dealing with that spirit of worry, then he said amen and I dropped the jacket. I was free. I knew something big had just happened.

And now to why I entitled this “The Trifecta.” Pastor Ronnie, like Moses, did his part. God, just as was true in Egypt, did His part; He delivered me out of bondage to worry. Now it was time for me to do my part, to get the worry out of me.

I look back and I am so grateful! In comparing my walk to that of the Jews entering the desert, I see how easily I could have returned to letting worry rule over me, to go back to sacrificing myself on its altar. I didn’t in part because a wise man of God knew that I needed a tool, something to remind me that in order to carry the worry again I had to reach through the blood of Jesus to pick it up.

Once the spirit of worry was dealt with, the choice was mine, and it was an every day, every hour choice that I had to actively make. It is a choice I still have to actively, consistently make. In fact, I wrote a post not long ago entitled, “Drop It,” where I shared the new tool God had given me to help me deal with worry as well as a few other things. The devil knows what worked on me before, so he often tries to work the same tactic again. (Remember this when God delivers you from any addiction.)

Jesus said something along the lines of, “Don’t be afraid,” 365 times, and worry is a form of fear. So yes, He is well aware that it’s something we all deal with and yes, He is telling us it is something we can control.

For me, I kind of think it’s like Paul’s thorn in the flesh. God never removed that thorn, whatever it was, but He gave Paul the grace to deal with it. “My grace is sufficient for you,” God said in 2nd Corinthians 12:9. In 2nd Corinthians 9:8 we are told that God can cause all grace to abound towards us so we have every sufficiency for every good work. He gives us what we need to overcome.

Now, I will step to the side a second and say this. Sometimes He gives us the tool called medicine. A couple of times in the past 13 or so years, I spent a few months on antidepressants, and for years I carried a bottle of anti-anxiety medication with me. My occasional need for the anti-anxiety meds ended shortly after my husband passed away (which kind of makes clearer the stress I lived under). I am grateful that I had the medical help I needed when I needed it.

So, to bring this web-bound book to a close, when we need big things in our lives, it’s a team effort. God must be in the mix, a minister or other faith-filled believer may be needed, and we will have to do our part. Our part involves walking by faith, and that faith will require us to make the right choices and do the right things.

The three working together? That’s powerful!

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Forgiveness Isn’t an Option

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

Yes, you can forgive, and you must!

You’ve heard it preached over and over. I’ll even list a couple of scriptures at the end of this post.

You’ve probably even seen articles online that show the benefits of forgiveness. I’ll include some of those at the bottom of this post as well.

But…

Are you one of those who sit there convinced that it’s not possible? Your situation is too hard. The wounds go too deep. The betrayal affected too many people. That person has never asked for forgiveness, so you feel no need to give it.

Still…not optional. Yes, I said it. Forgiveness is not an option. For the Christian, it is a command. For everyone, it is a physical and psychological necessity. If you read the Bible, you can’t avoid it.

Remember what Jesus said on the cross? “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” There is a part of me that wants to correct Jesus. “Oh yes, they did! They knew exactly what they were doing!” Doesn’t matter. Even before His death, burial, and resurrection, He was asking forgiveness for the collective “us.” Jesus forgave. We received. (Well, I hope you’ve received!)

Consider the Apostle Paul when he was still Saul. He was hell-bent on destroying the new movement that became Christianity. Those followers of Christ, starting with Ananias, could have refused to forgive him after he met Jesus. If they had, if they had denied his right to minister on the Lord’s behalf, he may never have written what we know today as about 2/3 of the New Testament. But they did forgive, and he did write, and we received.

I could keep on with accounts from the Bible, but let’s bring it forward to today. Bear with me, if you will, as I share two examples from my own life.

I have a friend. I love her dearly, and I hurt for her often. She is a loving and generous person who used to serve God openly, freely, joyously, but something has changed her, caused her to withdraw in many ways.

There is one person, another Christian, against whom she holds implacable unforgiveness. Did the person genuinely do her wrong back in the day? Quite possibly; I don’t know their story. But that really doesn’t matter.

What matters is that the roots of unforgiveness and bitterness have grown so deep and strong that now pretty much every aspect of her life seems to have become choked by those weeds. Yes, she has a hard life, but so do a lot of others who haven’t chosen her path.

Others like me.

Let me pause here and say that I’m well aware I am far from perfect. I know this. What I am, however, is living proof that you can walk through hell and come out the other side victorious.

My story starts over forty years ago when I unknowingly married a narcissist. During those years, he abused me in pretty much every way but physically. I lived under his thumb without even realizing it for a very long time – without understanding that my life wasn’t normal. He had multiple affairs. He ignored everything that was important to me unless paying attention to it played into his plan and made him look good to others. He squandered his really good income so that I ended up having to earn money for the “unimportant” things like homeschool curriculum for the boys and clothes for myself.

Then, when it became hard for him to find a “position,” he stopped working; a regular job was beneath him. This left me doing all I could to pay the bills he easily ignored.

Eventually, we ended up living in a house that was literally falling down over our heads because he couldn’t be bothered to maintain much of anything, ever. Lest you think I exaggerate, first we lost gas because the line started leaking and he “couldn’t afford” to fix it. Then the water pipes started bursting and when his quick patches didn’t hold he gave up. We were left with only electricity for years, and I paid that bill. The walls had so many holes in them that I couldn’t stuff them all well enough to keep anything out. I once ended up in the ER with a bug in my ear as a result of that. And the roof? One room was off limits because half the roof was completely gone, and when it rained it rained inside our only bathroom. Years… Today, looking back, that blows my mind; I felt so trapped in that…place. (NOT just talking the house here.)

And then there were the women. The first affair I know about happened in the early 90s and either he thought I was a complete idiot or he was flaunting it in my face. (Him having the affair was my fault of course. He was an expert at gaslighting.) The last affair he tried to have was in 2014. Strange as it seems, it wasn’t until then that I actually stopped loving him. It was the point at which that tiny flame was at last doused completely.

My primary focus through most of the past forty years has been on staying right with God and growing closer to Him. As a result, I learned to forgive. See, if you’re actively watching your spiritual walk, when things stop feeling right, when you can tell that you’re “off,” you stop. You pause, take a good look at yourself, and ask God, “Where have I gone wrong?” In those early years, it was almost always unforgiveness towards Jack or someone else that nailed me. God had to school me over and over, but I eventually learned how to genuinely forgive and do it quickly. (Note to Self: As soon as you hit “publish” on this post the devil is going to see to it that you’re tested.)

So, my regular readers know that Jack passed away in October. I can honestly say that, regardless of all he had done, all he did until just a few weeks before his death, I forgave him. I chose not to walk in unforgiveness, but in forgiveness, which meant that when unforgiveness popped up I actively stomped it out.

I prayed for him often. I very much wanted to know he was right with God even if he were never right with me. He asked me to pray the sinners prayer with him days before he went into the hospital for the last time, and I rejoice that he did, that now, in Heaven, he is finally the man God always meant him to be.

Decades of abuse could have destroyed me. It did not. I did more than survive those years. In spite of dealing with anxiety and occasional bouts of depression, I thrived. I had to battle each and every day, but just as daily workouts strengthen muscles, those daily battles strengthened me. I came out stronger, and one of the reasons is my determination to deny the devil the option of using one of his greatest weapons – unforgiveness – to bring me down.

Forgiveness isn’t an option. It’s a necessity.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Forgiveness Verses (There are many more.)
Matthew 18:21
Mark 11:25
Luke 6:37
Ephesians 4:32

Benefits of Forgiveness (There are many more.)
Forgiveness: Letting Go of Grudges and Bitterness
The Many Benefits of Forgiveness
The Power of Forgiveness
The Physical Benefits of Forgiveness

Drop it!

Tammy M Cardwell1 Comment

Have you ever seen a dog chewing on something that would potentially harm it, and watched the owner give the sharp command, “Drop it!”?

Twice this week I’ve heard God say, “Drop it!”

The first time was when worry was trying to set in. Having dealt with anxiety and depression in the past, worry is a dangerous thing for me to be chewing on. Nevertheless, I was letting myself dwell on a certain mistake I’d made, and all of its possible repercussions, when I heard God’s voice. “Drop it!”

After I paused and intentionally dropped it, taking control of my thought processes, I had the vision of the owner and his dog. I laughed, and realized this particular lesson is one I’ll remember.

Then, today, I was mulling over how someone had misrepresented me. I know it sounds shallow, but that’s something I really don’t appreciate. The thing is, when you continue to dwell on something like that, chewing on thoughts of how offensive someone’s actions are, you venture into the realm of unforgiveness, which is seriously dangerous territory. I was headed in that direction when, once again, I heard the command, “Drop it!”

Dropping those thoughts took a little more effort, and some help from God, but I got me under control and I thank Him for it. I cannot afford to get into the sin of unforgiveness. I can’t afford to let anything at all hinder my walk with God.

So yeah…

When He says those words, I’m gonna make like the dog and drop it!

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

My Thorn

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul shares about his “thorn in the flesh.” Theologians have tried to determine what that “thorn” was for centuries. Other than what we learn from Scripture, that he felt it was to keep him from pride, we don’t know that much.

We do know that Paul repeatedly asked God to remove this affliction, but God simply reassured him: “My Grace is sufficient.”

I am Paul. I have a thorn too. It’s called anxiety. Now, I am well aware that bi-polar disorder and depression are issues in my family. I get the science. I also know that my childhood was particularly anxiety-triggering, so I get the psychology.

Several years back, I spent about three months on an antidepressant, and twice in my life I’ve had to keep anti-anxiety medication at hand for those times when it got out of control. As a Christian, I hate this. Like Paul, I feel like I should be able to pray the right prayer or quote the right Scripture and it be gone forever, but I’ve learned it doesn’t always work that way.

“My Grace is sufficient,” God said…and still says. The Word also says, in 2 Corinthians 9:8, that God will cause all grace to abound towards me so that I will have every sufficiency for every good work. And this “every good work” may well be the key.

I heard something the other day that struck me: “Good lumber doesn’t come with ease. The stronger the wind the stronger the trees.” Hearing that woke me up, in a sense. It’s the battles that make us stronger. Paul was a mighty man of God, strong and fearless. Why? Because he’d fought many battles – and won many battles. I think that thorn in the flesh, or rather his ongoing war with it, helped keep him spiritually strong.

And I think the same thing is true about me. Like Paul’s thorn, the anxiety is an almost ever-present thing. I’m constantly at war with it, fighting and winning most of my battles, and losing a few. It’s intentionally, purposefully, faithfully fighting those battles that helps me grow stronger spiritually.

Knowing that I deal with this, and must DEAL with it rather than whine about or ignore it, keeps me aware of the importance of not letting my guard down, of staying vigilant and being careful to properly tend to both body and spirit.

Do I like waging a constant battle with it? Not on your life. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. What I do appreciate, however, is the way God uses something that originated in the pits of hell to help me become stronger in so many ways.

God’s grace is sufficient.

Celebrating Jesus!

Tammy C