All wish to know, but none want to pay the fee.
Decimus Juvenal
Pay the Fee
Author: Tammy M Cardwell
Aphantasia Revelations
If you’ve not already read it, you may want to pop over to I Can’t Imagine, which is the post I made the day I discovered that I have aphantasia. Finally understanding why I didn’t recognize my own grandchild as a baby was… wow.
The past few days have been filled with revelations!
For those who don’t know, people with aphantasia have little to no ability to visualize. You know how, when you’re told to close your eyes and imagine you’re at the beach, you can see it and describe it? Yeah, I can’t. I got nothin’. I’ve always thought the “close your eyes and imagine” thing was figurative; learning that it’s literally possible for most of the world was a serious shock.
Mind you, I’m not upset that I’m mentally blind. I mean, I’ve never known life any other way. I’ve actually been having some of the most fascinating conversations in recent days, both with those who learned from my experience that they have it too, and with others who had no idea that “we” existed! Those of you who see a movie when you read a book? Mind blowing! And I’ve had more than one of “you” ask how I can possibly enjoy reading when I can’t see a movie of what I read. Believe me, I love to read!
The biggest thing is realizing that I’m not unobservant or, depending on context, downright stupid. Ask me to describe a person I was just talking to and, unless I’ve taken out my mental notebook and recorded details, I’ll not be likely to tell you much more than whether they’re male or female, adult or child…and maybe height based on how I tilted my head to look at them. Yes, I can literally turn away and lose them, mentally speaking. Friends who get haircuts or color your hair? I’m sorry if I offend you by not noticing, but the odds are really good that I’ll not even know you’ve done it, because although I know you when I see you I can’t remember the details of what you look like when you’re not there.
And I mean that literally. I tried to describe my husband earlier today. I didn’t get very far.
It’s just that visual thing! I can’t remember how many times I’ve had someone get disgusted when they would tell me to look for a certain person’s car. Nope. If I knew the make, model, and color that might help me…maybe, but I couldn’t even find my own sister’s car in a crowded parking lot if I didn’t have certain cues keyed into my memory. I learned long ago that when I get a new car I have to put on a bumper sticker and hang something from the rearview mirror before I ever venture into a parking lot. No. Not kidding.
This morning, I shared my discoveries with two of my co-workers. Later on in our conversation, once we’d changed topics, I almost busted out laughing. I was about to say, “I can’t imagine…” and abruptly realized that I literally can’t imagine what I was going to refer to. I’m still getting used to the idea that those words aren’t just a figure of speech for most people.
Learning that I’m not stupid has been such a blessing! Today was a red letter day where this is concerned. Graphic design, anything beyond extremely basic stuff, has always been out of my reach. I cannot express how frustrated I and people I’ve answered to have been with my inability to grasp and implement design concepts. Today it dawned on me; it’s because I literally can’t see it!
If you give me a picture and ask me to copy it, I can probably do so as long as the techniques required are things I’ve mastered. This is why I was able to do photorealistic pencil portraits back when that was my thing. I could sit there and look back and forth between the original and my drawing and do ok. What I could not do, at all, was create something from memory or imagination. You have to have visual memory and imagination to do that.
So where graphic design is concerned, I have no memory. I can “study” examples, but I can’t hold them in my head. Again, I have to have something in front of me and, going back and forth, I will possibly be able to recreate it in a graphics program. Take that example away and I’m done.
Frustrating? Absolutely, but at least now I understand! I. Am. Not. Stupid.
I’m almost in tears thinking about all the times I was driven to tears while trying to create graphics. Knowing the truth is so freeing!
So, if you have suddenly realized you have aphantasia on whatever level (There’s a scale, with some people having more mental vision than I do.), consider the blessings that come from knowing. Think about things that have made you feel “less than,” and give yourself permission to sigh in relief. You are not an idiot. You are not flawed. No one can blame a blind person for being blind.
And if you’re dealing with someone who is clearly intelligent, but has issues that are related to visual things, maybe you should ask some questions. Because, let me tell you, until a few days ago I literally had no idea – zero – that normal people see anything other than black when they close their eyes.
Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C
For more information on this fascinating condition, you may want to check out aphantasia.com. You can even become a member for $7 a month or $70 a year and network with others who deal with this interesting issue.
I Can’t Imagine
My mind is officially blown.
A year or so ago, I learned that some people can actually see pictures when they “close their eyes and imagine.” It really took me aback; when I “imagine,” I’m pretending to create pictures, but not really seeing them. I thought the whole concept was seriously cool, but didn’t think too much about it until this week when I was sick and awake in the middle of the night. I posted two questions on Facebook because I was wondering if there were any link between having a 24/7 monologue running in your head (Something I learned a while back that not everyone has) and actually seeing pictures when you close your eyes and imagine.
I was shocked to learn, in my tiny science experiment, that pretty much everyone had constant brain chatter, but I was the only one who couldn’t see pictures. That realization sent me to our old friend, Mr. Google.
It turns out I have aphantasia. It’s a condition that, according to the one article I’ve read, apparently only affects 1-3% of the population, and it means you have a limited (or nonexistent) ability to visualize or imagine in the literal sense. Of course, I only recently realized that there IS a literal sense because I’ve dealt with it my whole life. While I may on rare occasions be hit in the face with a flash of memory, I can’t consciously create or pull up anything.
Maybe I should have waited to blog about this when I’ve done more research, or at least had time to think about it, but… oh my word. This explains so much!
I remember when my grandson was a tiny baby. Some friends were holding him and I asked who they had. They were appalled. “He’s your grandson!” The fact that I didn’t recognize him blew them completely away and utterly humiliated me.
But now I get it. They recognized him because, having seen him recently, they carried pictures in their minds that matched him when he showed up. I didn’t have that. I could make notes in my brain, listing details like dimples or whatever, but he was so young that he was literally changing every day and my mental notes couldn’t keep up.
Ok, I’m almost in tears here.
This explains so many things. Pictures are important to me, because I want to remember what people and places looked like. If I have extensive mental notes, I can recreate those pictures mentally, in a sense…but I can’t really see them like most of you can. I can also be talking to someone and, when asked five minutes later what they looked like, I can’t tell you unless I had consciously pulled out my mental notebook and recorded the “picture.” I can usually tell you what we talked about, though, because my mental audio recorder works great.
There is so much to unpack here. It’s not every day you learn something so radical about yourself. And if I don’t stop right now this is going to turn into a legit ramble.
Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C
Up next?
Aphantasia Revelations
Speak to the Fear
It’s not that things aren’t going to be scary, it’s when you are in the face of fear, you carry peace. You carry a confident trust, that you are able to speak to that fear, knowing you have victory over it, because your God is bigger
Sadie Robertson, Live Fearless
Why the Word – Psalm 119 Part 1
I’m working on my next book and coincidentally (Nope, don’t believe in coincidence) reached Psalm 119 in my studies this past week. My purpose in writing the book is to make clear the importance of having the Word of God, the Bible, as a vital part of our lives. As I studied this psalm, I realized just how thoroughly it covers this very topic.
Psalm 119 is not only the longest psalm but is also the longest chapter in the Bible. It is considered by many to be “the bible on the Bible” because The Bible (the Word, the Commandments, the Precepts, the Teachings…) is its topic, and it handles said topic in depth. Since my book won’t be ready for quite some time, I decided to share some of what I’ve learned here.
This post is Part 1, and in it I will cover some of what the Bible is and can do if we will pursue it like God commands us to. There’s a lot, so being the organizer I am I put it all in a spreadsheet and sorted it by rough topics. I’m sticking to bullet points and will provide verse references as well as including a few verses. The verses I quote are in the New Living Translation.
Ready? Let’s go!
The Word…
- Battles Misery – “If your instructions hadn’t sustained me with joy, I would have died in my misery.” (v.92)
- Blesses/Makes joyful – The KJV says “blessed are…” In the NLT, “Joyful are people of integrity, who follow the instructions of the Lord. Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts.” (v. 1, 2) You can see the conditions here, of course. We must be people of integrity, follow His instructions, and search for Him with all our hearts for these verses to apply to us. That’s our part, and I’ll deal with our responsibilities in Part 2.
- Comforts us – (v. 52)
- Delights us/Pleases us – (v. 24, 77, 111)
- Keeps us from judgment – “You rebuke the arrogant. Those who wander from your commands are cursed.” (v. 21) Clearly, the reverse is true too!
- Eternal – (v. 89, 152, 160) We will live by His Word forever. That includes today.
- Fair – (v. 137)
- Makes us free – “I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments.” (v. 45)
- Guides us – (v. 98, 105, 133) Verse 105 is the familiar, “Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.”
- Leads us to happiness – “Make me walk along the path of your commands for that is where my happiness is found.” (v. 35)
- Helps us – (v. 130, 175)
- Gives hope – (v. 43, 114)
- Gives insight – (v. 99)
- Brings joy – (v. 74, 92, 143) Verse 143 teaches us an important lesson: “As pressure and stress bear down on me, I find joy in your commands.” Let stress drive you to God and His Word!
- Is just – (v. 164)
- Keeps us close to rescue – (v. 155)
- Keeps us from self-deception – (v. 29, 118)
- Keeps us from wandering – (v. 67)
- Gives us knowledge – (v. 66)
- Gives life – (v. 37, 93) Verse 93: “I will never forget your commandments, for by them you give me life.”
- Gives light – (v. 130)
- Helps us live as we should – (v. 7, 19)
- Helps us not compromise with evil – (v. 3)
- Saves us from shame – (v. 5, 6, 31, 39, 80)
- Helps us not sin – (v. 11, 61) Verse 11: “I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.”
- Helps us not be dull or stupid – (v. 70)
- Gives peace – “Those who love your instructions have great peace and do not stumble.” (v. 165)
- Is perfect – (v. 138)
- Prevents stumbling – (v. 165)
- Revives us – (v. 25, 149, 156)
- Is right – (v. 128, 144, 172)
- Helps us share freely with others – (v. 46)
- Stands firm in Heaven – (v. 89)
- Helps us stay pure – ” How can a young person stay pure? By obeying your word.” (v. 9)
- Strengthens & encourages – (v. 28)
- Is sweeter than honey – (v. 103)
- Has been thoroughly tested – (v. 140)
- Is a treasure – (v. 111)
- Is true – (v. 91, 142, 151, 160)
- Is trustworthy – (v. 86, 138)
- Gives understanding – (v. 32, 104) In verse 32 the psalmist says, “I will pursue your commands, for you expand my understanding.” God’s Word is worth pursuing!
- Brings unity – (v. 79)
- Is unlimited – (v. 96)
- Helps us walk in His ways – “Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts. They do not compromise with evil, and they walk only in his paths.” (v. 2, 3)
- Makes us wise – (v. 98, 100)
- Gives wise advice – (v. 24)
- Is wonderful – (v. 129)
Part 2 coming up! In it, we’ll cover the psalmist’s heart and actions, which also reflect our responsibility towards the Word of God.
Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C
We Need It All!
A.W. Tozer said, “The Word of God well understood and religiously obeyed is the shortest route to spiritual perfection. And we must not select a few favorite passages to the exclusion of others. Nothing less than a whole Bible can make a whole Christian.”
If our desire is to be everything God wants us to be, it is imperative that we get out of our biblical comfort zones and dig into the parts of the Bible that we don’t usually visit. 2 Timothy 3:16 lets us know that we need the whole Bible!
Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C
Inspire Bible
The Inspire Bible (NLT), by Tyndale Publishers, is my current read-through Bible. By that, I mean it’s the one I started reading in Genesis 1 and am working my way through. I’m not just reading, however, and that is why this Bible is perfect.
The New Living Translation has been my favorite for many years, and I’ve read through it several times in various Bibles. It is a cross between word-for-word translations and thought-for-thought translations. This approach is a result of the translators striving to provide an option that would strike modern readers in a way similar to the manner in which the original texts affected the readers of their time. I will delve more deeply into this translation, or perhaps translations in general, in another post in the future.
One reason they called this the Inspire Bible is because it is filled with line drawings that can inspire you on their own, but also serve as coloring pages. If you’ve never experienced the therapeutic benefits of coloring on an adult level, you’re missing out. In my case, as you can see by this picture, I often color part of a drawing while listening to a recording of the passage. (My method is read [taking notes], listen to Through the Word’s guide on the chapter [taking notes], and listen to a recording of the chapter.) I didn’t realize until after I’d taken this photo that I’d never finished coloring this particular illustration; I must have stopped when the recording ended.
My favorite thing about this Bible, however, is the journaling lines that you can see in this second photo. As I explained, I’m making notes constantly as I read and study. This is something I recommend everyone do. Simply reading the Bible isn’t enough. We’re meant to meditate on it – to really think about what we read. This is why I often limit myself to a single chapter a day. While deeper thoughts, for instance thoughts that might turn into blog posts, send me to my journal, I can fill my Bible with individual notes as I read and experience the Word. This means I can come back to any passage I’ve already studied and find the treasure I discovered still lying there in the open.
I have owned, and still own, a variety of Bibles. This is definitely one of my favorites.
The Inspire Bible is available in several formats. You can get it on Amazon by clicking here. Full Disclosure: As an Amazon Associate, I do earn money from qualifying purchases.
Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C
Rest on Us
Every time we sing “Rest on Us” in church, one line gives me chills.
As the Spirit was moving over the waters
Spirit, come move over us
Why the chills?
Expectancy!
The Bible begins with, “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” Every time I start another readthrough of the Bible those words excite me. I know, in reading them, that great things are about to happen! And then…
The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters.
Genesis 1:2
I’ve wondered, many times, what God was thinking as He hovered, or moved, over those waters. Was He simply delighting in all that was brand new, in the very beginning of Creation? Was He enjoying the moment? Was He planning out in minute detail everything that would transpire over the next few days?
Whatever He was thinking, He was moving with intent, with purpose, with a plan. And oh, what a plan! As He moved over those waters, miracles started to happen!
And that’s why I get chills every time we sing that song. We’re not singing simple lyrics! We’re asking God, “Please, move over us with the same intent and purpose you did on day one of Creation! Create in us what You want to see! Draw from us what You want to produce! Make us fruitful! Move on us so that, when You are done, you can lean back and say, “It is very good.”
We don’t want to be formless, empty, and dark. We want to be filled with the light, basking in His glory as early Creation did. We want to walk beside Him as Adam did. Yes Lord, Move over us! Come rest on us!
And if you have no idea what I’m talking about, you can check out this recording featuring Brandon Lake & Eniola Abioye by Maverick City Music and UPPERROOM.
Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C
Audiobook in the Works!
I’ve had requests for an audiobook of Experiencing the Bible, and it is happening! It’s an exciting process, a path I’ve never walked before, so I thought I’d take a few minutes to share the journey with you.
The book and ebook are available on Amazon, so I didn’t even consider going anywhere else for the audiobook. That meant logging onto ACX.com and setting up a project. This requires giving all the basic information that someone who might want to audition would need to know, including a few pages from your script (ebook) and your projected timeline (Some producers wouldn’t be able to fit you in right away, which means they don’t need to waste their time or yours on auditions.). You also have to decide how you’ll pay your producer (The one who will record and create your audiobook).
You have three choices when it comes to payment. You can just pay a certain amount per finished hour of recording. You can split the royalties with the producer, which means paying nothing up front and you only receiving half of the royalties as long as the book is available. You can also split the royalties plus pay a fee per finished hour to cover the producer’s up front costs (Like hiring an audio engineer).
One thing you really have to think about when posting a project is what type of voice you want. For instance, I wanted someone who would at least sound something like me, so I chose a female with a general American accent. I could have selected a southern accent, but I’m a Texan with a definite Texas drawl; since they don’t offer that option I stuck with general.
Once you’ve posted your project, you sit back and wait for the auditions to come in. Then you listen, and listen, and listen. Some weren’t options at all, whether because the voice didn’t feel right for me or the accent was too far off (Someone with a great European accent auditioned, but I couldn’t….). A few seemed like definite possibilities, so I added them to my favorites list. Then I put the AirPods back in and kept listening.
I didn’t just want the producer who sounded right. I wanted the one who was right, so I prayed through the whole process. I didn’t only listen to their auditions. I read any messages written to me. I checked out the info pages on the ones I was seriously considering. I listened to other samples they had on those pages. And the ones who made it to the final list also got website visits if they had websites. In the end, I selected Nancy Higgins, who was actually one of the earlier auditions, and made my offer. And she is great. In one email to me she said that from reading my book she felt we could be sisters, and from what she’s told me about herself I don’t doubt it. From listening to the first fifteen minutes of the book, I can tell she truly gets what I’m saying, and I know we’re in this together.
So once you’ve selected your producer, you make them an offer. They can either accept your offer or reject it. Nancy accepted mine, so I don’t know what the process is if they reject. I assume you negotiate, but could be wrong. Before you even make the offer, you have a lot of reading to do. The ACX contract is quite detailed, and you sign it before hitting submit. Once the producer accepts and signs, the ball starts rolling.
The producer then has a certain amount of time before they have to deliver the first fifteen minutes of your book. (This deadline is one of the dates you give when you set up the project.) You then listen (and listen and listen) to that recording and give them feedback on every detail you want changed. I did that this morning, asking for one small pacing change and a couple of word changes. Detail is all-important, because their next fifteen-minute submission is either the final project or you have an issue.
Seriously, because the next thing you’ll get from your producer is the finished book. If they don’t understand what you want going in, that book won’t be the finished product you’re after and you’ll both have wasted valuable time. That’s why I listened to my fifteen minute clip so many times. Yeah, I’m not sure how many times I listened to it this morning.
And that’s where I am right now! When I get the next recording back, I’m sure I’ll give approval for her to get to work on the rest of the book, and I’ll sit here patiently waiting like a kid on Christmas morning. (You saw what I did there, right?) I’d say my next step is creating the audiobook cover, but since I already have an ebook all I had to do was tweak the layout and then have my Photoshop savvy daughter make a few adjustments to get it to fit the ACX technical specifications.
If you’ve ever considered being an audiobook producer/voice actor, you might want to check out ACX. From the author’s point of view, it is a great system, easily worked through and with lots of support. I’m sure it’s the same from the producer’s point of view.
While we’re waiting, if you’d like to grab the paperback or ebook, you can hit this link. The ebook is currently available on Kindle Unlimited! There is also a journal I designed to accompany the book, and you can find it here.
Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C
Pray for Manasseh
Photo shows excerpt from Awaken, by Priscilla Shirer, published by B&H Publishing
You can always tell God is trying to get your attention about something when He keeps bringing it up. This very thing happened to me recently: I was reading Psalm 103 late one evening, and then Day 34 in Priscilla Shirer’s Awaken the next morning, really just a few hours later.
She was talking about Manasseh, who ranks right up there among the most despicable kings Judah ever had. He was, to put it mildly, a hopeless case, and it is safe to say he had a lot to do with Judah earning time in exile. He was exiled too, of course, and 2 Chronicles 33:11 shares that, “They put a ring through his nose, bound him in bronze chains, and led him away to Babylon.”
But then something amazing happened. Remember, this was a truly evil king: “Manasseh also murdered many innocent people until Jerusalem was filled from one end to the other with innocent blood. This was in addition to the sin that he caused the people of Judah to commit, leading them to do evil in the LORD’s sight.” (2 Kings 21:16) Even so, something happened and, while in exile, he woke up to his sin.
“But while in deep distress, Manasseh sought the LORD his God and sincerely humbled himself before the God of his ancestors.” (2 Chron. 33:12)
It took exile and being “in deep distress” for the change to occur, but it turns out Manasseh wasn’t a hopeless case after all. He humbly repented, turned his life around completely (which is what repentance is all about), and not only did God forgive him but He also returned this formerly evil king to his kingdom. Why? The answer is found in Psalm 103:8-11.
The LORD is compassionate and merciful,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
He will not constantly accuse us,
nor remain angry forever.
He does not punish us for all our sins;
he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
So, on Day 34 of Awaken, Priscilla references Psalm 103:8-11. In this devotion, she covers how limitless God’s mercy is, that it’s never too late and you’re never too far gone for God to restore you – just like He did Manasseh (2 Chron. 33).
No matter what you have done, no matter how evil you have been, you are never too far gone for God to restore you if you will only humble yourself, fall on His mercy, and repent – turning your life around and your back on sin. Jesus came specifically to die for our sins: Yours won’t stand between you and Him unless you let them.
Most of my readers are Christians and hopefully already understand the magnitude of God’s grace and mercy, how willingly He gave His Son Jesus as a sacrifice for even the worst of sinners. So, it’s time to take this knowledge and carry it even further.
How many times, especially if you live in the south, have you heard it said of a horrible person, “He needs Jesus!” Usually, this is more of a culturally-based sentiment than a spiritually-based declaration, but it is true. We all need Jesus, including the most evil person you know. Further, if that evil person doesn’t receive Jesus, he or she will spend eternity in Hell.
So, I’m here to offer us a challenge. Let’s choose to genuinely walk in the love of the Lord, following Jesus’ example. I propose that we each select one person, just one, who seems unredeemable, and commit to pray for them until God tells us to stop. More to the point, ask God who He would have that one person be. You may not like His choice, but if He asks anything of you, He has a purpose.
Because prayer is unimaginably powerful. It is, truly, one of the most mind blowing weapons in our arsenal, and it can accomplish amazing things. Honestly, usually those things, those changes, are revealed first in us. For instance, as we pray for another person, often we find ourselves letting go of unforgiveness (even unforgiveness we didn’t know we were holding onto) and growing in compassion, mercy, and the love of God. This is a massive step forward for us even if we never personally see a change in the other.
But what if there is a change? What if your Manasseh repents and becomes a whole new man? What if he starts living his life differently? What if he ends up in Heaven instead of Hell? I trust that you wouldn’t really wish an eternity in Hell on even the most evil person you know. The positive changes in him could be as far reaching as Manasseh’s changes, affecting untold numbers of people for years down the road.
You would have had a part in it, and that part’s only cost is humbling yourself and praying for someone who doesn’t deserve it – any more than you deserved it when Jesus accepted you.
Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C
Scriptures used are in the New Living Translation (NLT)