My Testimony

Ten Minutes in Light of Forever

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

“When God gave me a revelation of forever,
of eternity, everything changed.”

After sending this message to a group of friends, I sat back and thanked God, for perhaps the thousandth time, for giving me a revelation of forever, for helping me grasp eternity. That moment of thankfulness led to a conversation about the difference between understanding and revelation.

You can have both.

We gain understanding in many ways— through study, through logic and reason… We gain understanding of God’s Word through spending time with it, meditating on it, digging into it, leaning on the Holy Spirit as our teacher…

Revelation is something different: It comes directly from God, and it bypasses the requirement for understanding. Where understanding acquaints you with truth, revelation confronts you with it.

One day at church camp I was in chapel listening to the minister and came to that moment. I’d heard enough about salvation that I knew the basics, but I didn’t really understand it. Nonetheless, in an instant the conviction settled in my soul.

Without a doubt, I knew I needed to be saved so I stepped into the aisle. It wasn’t an emotional thing; it was more a logical reaction to sudden knowledge. I didn’t even comprehend the magnitude of my decision until I saw my camp counselor crying.

Much later, I came to the realization that what I’d experienced was revelation knowledge. It was communication straight from God that convinced me of my need for salvation. I didn’t have to understand it. I didn’t even have to feel anything. I simply knew the truth, acted on the truth, and my life changed in an instant. There have been several times in my walk with God that He has given me such revelation and changed things instantly.

There have also been at least two times I specifically asked God for revelation on things I was desperate to comprehend. The first was the Rapture of the Church. Witnessing was hard for me and I felt that if I could just grasp the truth of the Rapture, and the reality of people missing it, I would be more driven to witness.

After a time, God gave me that revelation. And after the revelation, as I studied, I also gained understanding.

The same happened with forever. I’d had my blog “Eternally Planted” for years. The title is based off part of Ecclesiastes 3:11 in the NLT: “…He has planted eternity in the human heart…” Eternity is planted inside us even if we fail to recognize it. I think that’s why so many believe in reincarnation—because man has an instinctive knowledge that this life isn’t everything.

When I named my blog what I did, I had some understanding of forever, but at some point I realized I needed revelation. So I asked God for it. It didn’t come instantly, but one day God dropped it into my spirit in a way that lit up my world—and it changed everything about the way I saw my life.

I’d been married to my narcissistic husband for decades and was now responsible for keeping him alive and healthy, or as healthy as I could when he seemed intent on destroying his body. Every day was a struggle and my stress level stayed dangerously high. So this wasn’t a theoretical lesson. It came in the middle of a very real, very heavy season.

But then there was that day. In an instant, I suddenly had it. I knew in my innermost being that this life is nothing compared to the life I will have in eternity. That very hour, I told God that, if I had to live the rest of my life as I had been, it was ok. Because in light of eternity, this life is only ten minutes—and I can do anything for ten minutes.

Life didn’t get easier, but my focused changed. I was no longer looking at what was directly in front of me, but at what is waiting down the road. When you suddenly see a broad, beautiful vista ahead, walking becomes less frustrating and more of a challenge you’re willing to face.

We need understanding, obviously. But we also need revelation, and the beautiful thing is that God is ready and willing to give it. For me, it normally comes after He’s highlighted something I’m reading in the Word, after I’ve taken time to meditate on it, mull it over, and spend time talking to Him about it as I grow increasingly hungry for answers.

And sometimes I just ask.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

The Jack I’ll Meet in Heaven

Tammy M Cardwell8 Comments

I recently had the most amazing revelation!

My story: I spent over 40 years married to a narcissist who, although I didn’t realize it, was abusing me in one way and another much of the time.

I loved him: It was emotion-based love in the beginning. But by the time he’d killed the emotion I’d learned to love him by choice.

Here’s the thing:

He was a Christian. Yes, I understand the contradiction. How could someone who had accepted Jesus as Savior ever abuse another person, especially their spouse and kids? They do it, I believe, by accepting Jesus as Savior, but not as Lord.

Jack told me once, when I was talking about seeking God’s will on something I wanted to do, that he believed we were to make our own decisions and God would bless them. I was stunned, left totally speechless. I didn’t even try to argue with him both because I’d already learned that there was no arguing with him and because I was so completely blown away by his… Hubris is an old-fashioned word that applies well here.

To me, that one statement best illustrates that he, while accepting Jesus as Savior, was determined to be lord of his own life.

He served God. He did all the right things. I believe he actually spent several seasons being right with God – as much as he could be while not being right with me. Our friends and his co-workers thought they knew Jack. Over the years, more people began to see through the cracks in his carefully crafted image, but not many.

After he died, you could tell who had a clue and who didn’t by how they reacted – not just to his death, but to my decision not to have a memorial service, and to my lack of reaction. What few tears I did cry in those first days were based mostly on the sudden release from bondage. More tears did come later, though.

He was a gifted photographer, and while going through his photographs in the next few weeks I found myself truly crying, bawling, for the first time. I wasn’t crying over the man I’d been married to for 41 years. I was crying over the man I’d thought I was marrying, the man I’d seemed to catch glimpses of on occasion. I was crying over the man God had intended for him to be.

Which brings me to the revelation that hit me out of the blue at some point in the last few weeks.

I know Jack was right with God when he died. Based on things that happened in the months leading up to his death, I know God was dealing with him. For instance, he went to the altar more times in those months than he had in the entire time we’d been married. That sudden humility and hunger was noticed by more than just me.

Then there came the day he asked me to pray the prayer of salvation with him. He’d spent years making it clear that he knew more than me about everything. Any time I shared something exciting God had shown me, of course he already knew it and it was no big deal. His ego was huge. For him to come to me for that prayer was a bigger deal than even I understood.

While lying in the ER for the last time, he broke the silence to say, “I don’t want to be here.” I reassured him, told him we hoped it wouldn’t be long. But I’ve since come to believe I misunderstood what he was really saying. 

I think he meant he was ready to put off this life and go home. I think he’d decided he would rather leave while he knew he was right with God than fight for a life in which he would most likely fail again.

I asked God once, and He assured me that yes, Jack is in Heaven.

Do you know what that means?

It means that, when I get there, I will get to know the real Jack Cardwell – the man God had intended him to be. I WILL know Jack.

That’s the revelation. I will one day get to know the Jack Cardwell we were all supposed to have, and we’ll be friends for eternity. That makes me very happy.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Healing Takes Time

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

One of my TikTok videos resulted in a strong response from victims of narcissist abuse. That response led me to take my Surviving Narcissism series, at least in part, to the app.

My goal in life, and on TikTok (@tmcardwell), is to help people grow in their relationships with God and the Bible. While I’d planned to focus primarily on things like Bible study and growing closer to God, I’ve discovered that being there for domestic abuse victims is part of God’s plan. Some of the responses I’ve received are heartbreaking; there are so many out there who have had no hope.

Interestingly, recording this series has made me aware of something I hadn’t fully realized. I think it’s human nature to want to simply put the past behind us and move forward. To an extent that’s exactly what I had done.

God and I have covered a lot of ground in the three years since Jack passed away. But I realized this past week that we’ve definitely not covered it all. Why?

Because healing takes time.

As I talked about how my attempts to “protect” my sons by keeping the family together actually exposed them to their own life-altering trauma, those old wounds I thought were healed opened right back up. Yeah. They were still there, waiting to be dealt with.

So I pulled out a book I reviewed for this series in April of last year. You can read my review of Hope for Healing from Domestic Abuse if you like. I recommend you do if you’re dealing with the results of domestic abuse of any sort. I’ll just say here that this book is helping me all over again as I reread it.

The fact is, healing from any trauma takes time. Recovering from this type of trauma can take a very long time. We can try to ignore our pain, issues, and triggers. Sometimes we can even get away with it for a while. But until we deal with the damage, we’re being held back.

I’ve wondered, at times, if I should seek counseling. I haven’t, because I know I’ve definitely made progress. God has faithfully brought up my issues as I reach the place where I can deal with them.

If you’re still recovering, though – or trying to – know that there is absolutely no shame in seeking professional help. God gave us counselors and therapists for a reason, and sometimes they have the very support we need.

Whatever path you choose to take towards healing, please hear me: There is hope. Real healing is possible. I’m living proof.

Be patient with yourself and give every part of the process to God. Every part: especially the unforgiveness and bitterness that only poison us, no matter how justified they feel. Take it one step at a time.

And celebrate those steps. They matter. And those of us who have also walked this road will happily celebrate with you.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

The following is a complete list of the articles in this series.

Surviving Narcissism: Introduction to the Series
The Power of Refusing to Care
Yes, It IS Abuse
Truth Matters: Be Honest with at Least One Person You Trust
You’re Not Protecting the Kids
Review: Hope for Healing from Domestic Abuse
Your Narcissist is Not Your Real Enemy
Make God Your Refuge

Learning to Shine Light in a New Place

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

I shared previously about Charlie Kirk’s death and how it had affected me. I’m sort of doing the same today.

As I watched new convert after new convert post on social media, particularly TikTok, I prayed for them. I asked God to protect them from wolves in sheep’s clothing, give them wisdom, understanding, and knowledge, etc. Essentially, I asked Him to give them the help they need as they grow in Him.

I should have expected what was coming next. When we become aware of a need it’s usually because He wants us to help meet it. He asked me a question:

“So how are you going to help them?”

Eventually I got the picture. He expects me to help in greater ways than I have been. God wants me to get out there to the people instead of waiting for them to find me. There are several facets to this new focus, but a big one is TikTok.

I’ve had an account for years and enjoyed following a variety of people, supporting them with my likes and comments. I soon realized what when God asked the question He was preparing my assignment. One thing He wanted was for me to become active on TikTok, to share the light in that place.

I’m a word person. I write books. I blog. I offer a newsletter. But, though I once spoke at homeschool conferences, I had zero experience in this new type of communication. The whole idea intimidated me so much that I asked a dear friend to be praying for me. I felt like He expected more than I was capable of.

Lesson Relearned:
Never underestimate God’s ability to make you able.

This feels like one of those times when He is qualifying the called instead of calling the qualified. Nonetheless, things are going well. Every day I learn new things, which is a miracle given the mental issues I dealt with only a few years ago. (Trauma does that to you.)

You can find me @tmcardwell if you’re interested.

While I don’t yet know what I should consider excellent where engagement is concerned, I’m happy with what I’m seeing. And you know what? I’m having fun.

I’m also genuinely helping people. Not everything shows up publicly, but the private conversations show I’m on the right path. Most importantly, I know I’m doing what He asked me to do. And, really, that’s all He requires – simple obedience.

So let me offer you a word of encouragement today. If God tells you to do something that seems impossible, take His word for it and step out. No matter what it looks like, He knows what He’s talking about. And when He calls you to do something He will equip you to get it done.

I mentioned trauma in passing, but it’s a significant side note. Trauma can destroy you but, no matter how broken you are, God can restore what you’ve lost!

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

How God Talked Me Into TikTok

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After Charlie Kirk was assassinated, I witnessed what can only be called a spiritual revolution on TikTok. Between posts and comments, I saw hundreds of people who hadn’t even had God on their radar suddenly coming to Jesus.

Something supernatural was happening – still is.

I’ve tried to support and comment on these posts as much as I could, and I’ve prayed. Oh, how I’ve prayed. I’ve been concerned for these newborn Christians because those are ones the devil so likes to attack, to draw into deception.

At some point last month, it seemed like God was asking me, “So how are you going to help them?”

Um…

I’ve been a lurker on the clock app for years. Well, not really a lurker, because as I said I comment and support. I’ve come to appreciate a great many of these creators. But becoming one of them – putting myself out there and making TikToks – was another thing entirely.

I couldn’t conceive of it. Oh, I could in theory like the idea, but when it came to seriously considering following through and doing it… That was a different story. Besides, God hadn’t come out and told me to start creating; He’d just asked how I was going to help.

Then it happened. Suddenly my FYP was filled with creators talking about creating. One explained that you don’t always have to do videos; you can post text and photos too. So I did one – a picture of my book with a brief explanation – and felt pretty good about it. So I did another. And another.

Don’t get too excited: As of right now I’ve only done five TikTok posts and about as many stories.

If you read yesterday’s article, When God Grows Your Faith, you know God has asked me to do some things lately that seemed impossible. This was one of them. He eventually did ask me to start creating on TikTok. For real.

So for real, if you’re interested, you can find me @tmcardwell. I post as Tammy M. Cardwell Author.

But back to my story. God was merciful on this one, leading me into this new thing gently and not giving me my assignment until I was at least relatively comfortable. But there is an assignment, and I am working on it. 

I’ve ordered my light, and I’m waiting for my video expert friend to recommend the right mic for my budget. He won’t be able to come help me stage for these videos until after the first of the year, I don’t think, but once I have the tools and know how to use them, I’ll start working with what I’ve got.

In the meantime, I’m working on ideas.

Like I said yesterday, the Christian life is all about walking by faith. It’s trusting that when God tells you to do something He’s already got the road mapped out in front of you. All you have to do is listen and, as Isaiah 30:21 tells us:

“You will hear a word spoken behind you, saying,
‘This is the correct way, walk in it,’ whether you
are heading to the right or the left.”

Random Note: I can never read those words without flashing back to Gandalf with his hand on Frodo’s shoulder, telling him which way to go.

Each step may seem uncertain, but with each step I take I see God proving Himself faithful. He’s turning what once felt impossible into “done.”

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Living Your Witness: The Quiet Power of Influence

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

Do you ever think about those who have especially impacted your life?

For me, while untold numbers of people have helped me grow, three people stand out, people who have left eternal marks on my soul and had a definite impact on the direction my spiritual walk has taken. What strikes me about all three is that they weren’t preaching at me. They were simply living their witness.

Three People Who Changed My Walk

The Best Friend – Joy in the Spirit
Marilyn, my best friend, never tried to “sell” me on anything. She simply shared her excitement about what God was doing in her life. I’d been saved years earlier but wasn’t actively living like a Christian. I was what I call a “cultural Christian” at that point.

Her joy stirred a hunger that made me face my mostly in name only Christianity and recognize its inadequacy, how little it satisfied me. She expected me to get excited too, and I did.

The Stranger – Baptism in the Holy Ghost
At a Christian Student Union meeting Ms. Jeannie, a woman I’d never met, taught me about and led me into the baptism in the Holy Ghost. She was our speaker that night and I could tell she was like my best friend in that she had “it.” In spite of my introversion and insecurity, I’d gathered my courage and asked her, “What is the baptism in the Holy Ghost?”

The conversation we had, and the prayer we prayed, changed my life forever. And I’m happy to be able to report that she became a dear friend and is still a vital influence in my life.

The Evangelist – Intimacy with God
The last of my three, Jesse Duplantis, is an evangelist. His messages are always great, but his almost casual references to his conversations with God made me hunger for that kind of walk:

“I want that type of relationship with You, God!
You’re no respecter of persons.
I want that intimate relationship too!”

So I got in the Word more, prayed more, and focused on listening for His “voice,” God speaking directly to my spirit. Over time, that intimacy became my reality – and I love how we talk to each other all day long.

The 1 Thessalonians 5:17 command to pray without ceasing? This is it. Yes, I have a set time that I know I’ll be praying, talking to God about things that matter to us both, but the conversation doesn’t stop there.

The Quiet Power of Living Faith

Other than Brother Jesse, these are normal people you’ll most likely never meet, but their influences in my life still affect how I live and what I share with others.

And those key people reached me not through preaching at me, but by letting me see the reality of God in their lives, by giving me glimpses of possibilities I’d not imagined.

They also taught me one of the most important things about sharing the Gospel.

We start by living it.

Marilyn, Ms. Jeannie, Brother Jesse…
“I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.”
Philippians 1:3

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Sometimes You Just Keep Fighting

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Last Saturday we had our annual crawfish boil and auction. It’s a massive fundraising event that provides the bulk of what we need for our many missions and outreach projects. The devil hates Operation BAM (The umbrella organization) and every year I remind my teams to keep the auction and everyone involved with it – our whole church, actually – in prayer because one thing that is consistent where this event it concerned is demonic attack.

This year we faced those attacks on a whole new level; members of our congregation were hit so often and so hard that I knew we were about to see something truly supernatural. The attacks kept on to even the day of, when a vital app crashed and required our silent auction team to pivot and make it work the old fashioned way.

That’s the big picture. Now mine.

At the end of March/early April, I discovered two things: Gnats had found their way into my apartment and I am terribly allergic to gnat bites. We started doing what we could to get rid of the gnats, and are still working on getting rid of them. (Many people have told me they’re exceptionally bad this year.) I also attacked my physical symptoms with everything I could – under my primary care’s supervision.

At one point, my chest and neck might as well have been one massive welt. Controlling the itch was a constant, 24/7 issue. At night, I was waking up every hour or hour and a half practically clawing my skin off, jumping up to re-medicate, suffering until the itching eased, and then trying to get a little sleep before it started again. In other words, I went weeks getting maybe three hours of sleep a night.

At the same time, I was taking massive doses of antihistamine. I was taking so much antihistamine that there was no way I could hydrate sufficiently. It was only near the end of this traumatic time that I remembered things like Liquid IV; I wasn’t thinking overly clearly. No surprise there; if you know anything about the dangers of sleep deprivation and dehydration, you can imagine where I was physically and emotionally. Actually, and mentally.

Demonic attack. Seriously.

This whole time, I was doing my part to prepare for the auction. This is part of my calling, and I intended to get the job done. I knew it was an attack, and I wasn’t going to let the devil win.

That last week before the auction was the worst. I was truly sick the whole week. In fact, there was a point at which I admitted, only to myself, that I might not make it through the whole week, much less through the event itself. Everything I did was a struggle, because I was physically drained and wasn’t able to think straight, and I was so concerned about making mistakes that I had someone check my work periodically. In point of fact, I did make some mistakes that I’ve had to clean up.

But I refused to give up the fight.

When God gives you an important assignment, the devil is going to try to distract you, derail you, stop you. I know this, and I was determined to give everything I had even if that everything wasn’t enough. I did make it through the week, and through the auction (with an unbelievably massive headache that didn’t respond to any medication), praying and relying on God to help me. I did what a good soldier does on the battlefield. I kept on fighting, moving forward one step at a time, convinced that God was in the process of working miracles. And He did.

We raised just under $200,000.00.

That sounds like a massive amount of money, and it is. The specific number was $197,500 which, if I remember correctly, is about $30,000 higher than our highest year to date. BAM stands for Be A Miracle, and this will enable us to be a miracle to even more people, more organizations, and more disaster areas than we ever have. And I was part of it!

Because I kept fighting.

The gnats are still around, though they don’t get in my apartment quite so easily now and the trap and spray I’m using pretty much kills them when they do. I also, thanks to the suggestion of a wise friend, bought a mosquito net for my bed and that’s kept me from being bitten while I slept. Now that it’s not being constantly irritated by new bites, my skin is clearing up and I’m definitely healing. Thursday night, for the first time in a month, I slept eight hours, and I’ve slept at least eight hours a night since then. This morning, driving to church, I realized that I finally felt right again – totally rested, thinking clearly, genuinely ready for another day.

All because I refused to give in and denied the devil the victory. As bad as it got, I won because I kept fighting.

Never give up!

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Do the Small Things

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Do you remember those stories from the Bible where God asked people to do something relatively simple and then He all-out went supernatural on them?

He’s still in the same business today, and this blog is a great example of Him at work.

You are probably well aware that authors write not only because we are compelled to, but because we want to reach people, share our excitement about new things we’re learning, offer suggestions for life…whatever. In my case in particular, you get a true hodge podge of American History, living with a narcissist, aphantasia, my tiny house, a lot of Jesus, and we – even I – never know what randomness to expect.

But it’s not really totally random. I try to be led by God in all things. I have dreams, and for the most part they’re dreams He has given me. Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.” I firmly believe that He gives us those desires, meaning He plants them in our hearts, and then He fulfills them. He does that with me on a regular basis. Knowing this is how He operates, I really do consciously go to Him for direction, especially for this blog He has called me to maintain.

So, when he asks me to do the small things, I try to be faithful to do them, and in recent months He’s gone supernatural on – in a huge way.

First, He had me write Understanding Your Aphant. Then, right after I posted it, He had me share it in an aphantasia support group on Facebook to see if there were any ways in which I could improve it. There were some excellent suggestions, and I implemented a few.

I was unaware that someone in that group had contact with Aphantasia.com, and that person brought my blog post to their attention. The result was that they published it as an article on the website and started pushing traffic toward tammycardwell.com. I was blown away by the response. As I said, I write with a heart that desires to help people. And the more people you have reading what you write, the more people you can help!

But that was just a taste of what was to come. I still can’t get over this next one.

I recently joined a Small Spaces group on Facebook to get more ideas for my tiny house. After I’d been there a day or so, at His prompting, I shared about my home and what I’m doing in it. It was a simple post with a few photos, nothing great.

It was a small thing.

The simple post exploded with comments and questions. In answering, I shared the link to this blog, pointing out my Tiny House series, so that anyone who was interested could come read those posts and get far more details than I could offer up in post comments.

Again, I just shared a link. A small thing.

Within a very few minutes, I was getting notifications that I was experiencing “unprecedented traffic.” On that day this blog, which generally gets less than 100 views a day, got almost 9,000 views from nearly 4,000 visitors all over the world. That’s thousands of people seeing my website for the first time, visiting for one topic and hopefully getting some Jesus while they were here. (If you know me at all, you know where my true priorities lie.)

And, vitally important, because of one seemingly insignificant comment I made, I had the opportunity to encourage some women who are dealing with serious issues I’ve dealt with personally. This was a huge honor; one I cannot overemphasize. After all, the greatest thing about coming through trials is being able to help others see hope while they walk that same path.

So yes, I have recently had more reminders that God is our dream keeper, and have seen once again that all I have to do is what He tells me to. He didn’t tell me to do big things. He told me to do small things.

Do the small things.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Thankful for the Hard Things

Tammy M Cardwell2 Comments

I’ve explained before that God uses the trials and tribulations in our lives, that even the hard times can result in great good if we let God lead us through them. Growth is usually part of the good, as is the gaining of tools. Today I’m thanking God for turning my most recent trial into a tool.

I had already made some definite lifestyle changes before I had the TIA (mini-stroke) last month. I’d cut way back on sugar, dropped sodas almost completely, and begun intermittent fasting to help me gain control of my eating habits in hopes of losing weight.

I’d also started taking some very important supplements. If you read my post Tired of Exhaustion?, you’ve heard of them. Both are from Solle Naturals; they’re Vital and Cinnamate. Oh, and I’d started on Terry Naturally’s Adrenaplex. I started it because it helps your adrenals, and that helps with hormone issues. I’ve since discovered that it’s helping me with a lot more!

So when I had the TIA, I was already on the right course. My A1C was 5.9, which was a bit of a surprise, but since I was already a few weeks into multiple products that help control sugar issues (plus I’d made my dietary changes), it didn’t concern me much. When we discussed my cholesterol numbers, pretty much everything that was suggested I already do-or don’t do since I neither drink nor smoke.

I was able to assure the counselor that I did all the right things until she said, “Cut back on processed foods.” My sister instantly spoke up. “Oh, she’s bad about that! But she’s going to start eating with me!” I didn’t hesitate to publicly accept that offer! Now I just eat like a queen and give her most of what I used to spend on groceries. Win! The only other facet that needs attention is exercise, and I’m working on becoming more serious about that.

So yes, there are lots of great changes being made. I’ve since discovered that at least one of those supplements I take for other things helps with cholesterol as well, so I’m at a double win. And of course I’m taking what the doctor prescribed.

Back to the TIA and why I’m thanking God for it. You see, I know me, and I am well aware that as I get farther down the road I tend to forget the importance of what I’m doing. I forget to buy a supplement and forget why I was taking it in the first place. I forget why I got off sodas and pick them back up again. (I’ve done that so many times!) I forget all too easily.

But this time I have a tool. Its name is TIA. I thank God often that it was only a TIA, that there is no permanent damage, and I thank Him that it now stands in front of me as a clear warning to stay the course. It could have been a full-blown stroke, but it wasn’t. It was a warning I won’t forget.

Was it a trial? Yes. Am I honestly thanking God for it? Yes. Has it helped me grow? Also yes. Thank God!

I hope you’re having a blessed Thanksgiving.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

The Trifecta – Lessons Learned

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If you’ve heard my story before, stick with me anyway. Please.

My life, until shortly before I turned 19, was filled with worry. I cannot sufficiently express how completely the worry consumed me. It was so bad, so constant, that it felt normal. And then the pastor of the church God had led me to only months (weeks?) earlier had an altar call for those battling worry.

I was there. So were many others. We lined the altar, standing shoulder to shoulder. Pastor Ronnie started at the end to my right; he prayed for people and they went to sit down. Pray, return to seat. Pray, return to seat. Pray, return to seat. And then there was Tammy.

He stopped in front of me, met my eyes, and said, “Stay right here.”

WHAT?!

Maybe you can imagine how I felt standing there. Worry was obviously a factor. What?! Why?! What was he going to do? Why was I different? How long did I wait? I was so far beyond all kinds of awkward that I have pretty clear memories of those relative hours I spent watching more and more people be prayed for and return to their seats.

After what felt like a month, he came back to me. He was completely serious, and kind, and loving as he stood before this 18-year-old girl he was only just getting to know. We never discussed this moment later, so I don’t know what he was thinking, but I know for a fact that he understood two things.

1. He was aware that my issue was beyond normal worry, that there was a spirit of worry he’d have to deal with.

2. He knew that my brain would need extra help.

As he stood in front of me, he had me hold out my arms. Then he took off his suit jacket and laid it across them. Again looking me in the eyes, he said, “I want you to imagine a river of blood running at your feet. I’m going to pray for you, and when I finish you’re going to drop my jacket. Think of it as your worries and see them disappear under that blood. And realize you’ll have to reach through the blood to pick them up again.”

Now, it’s been over 40 years, so obviously that’s not an exact quote, but you get the idea. He prayed. I don’t remember what he prayed, though I’m sure part of it was dealing with that spirit of worry, then he said amen and I dropped the jacket. I was free. I knew something big had just happened.

And now to why I entitled this “The Trifecta.” Pastor Ronnie, like Moses, did his part. God, just as was true in Egypt, did His part; He delivered me out of bondage to worry. Now it was time for me to do my part, to get the worry out of me.

I look back and I am so grateful! In comparing my walk to that of the Jews entering the desert, I see how easily I could have returned to letting worry rule over me, to go back to sacrificing myself on its altar. I didn’t in part because a wise man of God knew that I needed a tool, something to remind me that in order to carry the worry again I had to reach through the blood of Jesus to pick it up.

Once the spirit of worry was dealt with, the choice was mine, and it was an every day, every hour choice that I had to actively make. It is a choice I still have to actively, consistently make. In fact, I wrote a post not long ago entitled, “Drop It,” where I shared the new tool God had given me to help me deal with worry as well as a few other things. The devil knows what worked on me before, so he often tries to work the same tactic again. (Remember this when God delivers you from any addiction.)

Jesus said something along the lines of, “Don’t be afraid,” 365 times, and worry is a form of fear. So yes, He is well aware that it’s something we all deal with and yes, He is telling us it is something we can control.

For me, I kind of think it’s like Paul’s thorn in the flesh. God never removed that thorn, whatever it was, but He gave Paul the grace to deal with it. “My grace is sufficient for you,” God said in 2nd Corinthians 12:9. In 2nd Corinthians 9:8 we are told that God can cause all grace to abound towards us so we have every sufficiency for every good work. He gives us what we need to overcome.

Now, I will step to the side a second and say this. Sometimes He gives us the tool called medicine. A couple of times in the past 13 or so years, I spent a few months on antidepressants, and for years I carried a bottle of anti-anxiety medication with me. My occasional need for the anti-anxiety meds ended shortly after my husband passed away (which kind of makes clearer the stress I lived under). I am grateful that I had the medical help I needed when I needed it.

So, to bring this web-bound book to a close, when we need big things in our lives, it’s a team effort. God must be in the mix, a minister or other faith-filled believer may be needed, and we will have to do our part. Our part involves walking by faith, and that faith will require us to make the right choices and do the right things.

The three working together? That’s powerful!

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C