obedience

The Dating App I Never Wanted… and What God Showed Me Through It

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment
Woman sitting on a rock overlooking water at sunset, reflecting quietly

This piece is even more transparent than what I usually write, but sometimes it’s the things written in the trenches that God uses most. And, frankly, I felt God leaning on me to share. So let’s go.

After a few years of widowhood, I’ve reached the point where I’m seriously considering the possibility of getting married again. Getting here has taken time and many counseling sessions with God as my therapist.

He’s even told me I’m ready to meet someone, which is remarkable. Marriage to a narcissist leaves you carrying a lot of baggage that can be very hard to get rid of. It feels like it’s taken a piece of forever to get where I am today.

So, on a random day not long ago, God decided it was time to take a step.

He told me to set up a profile on a specific dating site.

His instructions made no sense to me. This dating app is so expensive there was no way—even for Him—that I would willingly consider that kind of commitment.

Judge me if you will, but I have an aversion to the whole idea of dating sites—for me. Still utterly confused by His insistence, I signed up for the free plan and determined to cautiously dip my toes in the water.

The extensive profile questions proved truly educational. They forced me to consider how I really feel about certain things. I had to ask myself, “Am I answering based on who I’ve always been, or who I’m becoming?”

But the real education came when I started getting matches. All I could do with the free site was look at their profiles, which I did. I rejected one after another, only “liking” one because I wanted to see what happened when you liked someone—and he was safely located several states away. Why was I rejecting these men? Honestly, for stupid reasons. Except… 

God called another counseling session in which He showed me just how much fear still hid in my heart, and it wasn’t fear of the men.

I wasn’t rejecting them; I was rejecting me.

Bottom Line: I was afraid of hurting someone. The thought of potentially holding someone else’s heart in my hand, not knowing if I had what it took to make him happy, doubting that I would be enough…

Frankly, it scared me—and I hadn’t even realized it until God made it clear.

I felt such shame. I’ve really thought I was trusting God completely where potential relationships are concerned. I have faith in God!

But, as He’s reminded me a few times through the years (because I need reminders), when I fail to have faith in myself, when I let that fear settle in, it affects my ability to trust Him. Fear pulls the rug out from under our faith, so we must seek it out and cast it away.

I repented of course; I’ve learned that much for sure! I started actively casting down those doubts when they arise and have renewed my commitment to trust Him without reservation.

If God wants me to get married again, He will bring the right man and we’ll be blessed. It’s inevitable. Never in my life has He failed me, and He won’t fail me now. And if I’m not meant to marry again? That’s cool too. I love the life I’m living.

Getting back to the counseling session, in the end God told me to cancel my membership, that the app had served its purpose. Being who I am, I asked Him to clarify what He meant.

His answer didn’t surprise me. He knew what was hidden in my heart and chose to use the dating app like a mirror so I could see it for myself.

Psalm 139:23–24 (NLT) says:

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
     test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
     and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

I want this. I pray this prayer with the psalmist because only when my heart is cleansed and my anxious thoughts are conquered can I truly stop doing things that offend Him. 

Walking the path God has laid out for me is vitally important to me. I never want to risk veering from it even a little bit, and certainly not because of anxious thoughts.

And the beautiful thing? God is always faithful to answer this prayer! When I’m not quite right, He lets me know.

It’s generally God’s own Word that He uses as a mirror, to help me see where I’m missing it. Honestly, this is one of the best reasons for reading the Bible; it has unique power to open our eyes to see things in ourselves we may prefer to ignore.

God also speaks to me personally, gently showing me where I’ve disappointed Him or when I could have behaved in a more godly way.

And then there are the surprising times, like this one, when He tells me to do something that seems utterly ridiculous or follow a path I find completely incomprehensible. I’ve learned to obey anyway, because I know He doesn’t do anything without a purpose.

In this case, that purpose wasn’t meeting someone.

It was revealing something.

God knew exactly what was hidden in my heart. He simply used the dating app as a mirror so I could see it too.

God will use the most unexpected things to help us see what’s hiding in our hearts.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

PS: If you, too, are recovering from a narcissistic relationship, you are enough! Even if you’re carrying baggage like I have been, God can help you deal with it, unpack it, and kick it to the curb.

Learning to Shine Light in a New Place

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

I shared previously about Charlie Kirk’s death and how it had affected me. I’m sort of doing the same today.

As I watched new convert after new convert post on social media, particularly TikTok, I prayed for them. I asked God to protect them from wolves in sheep’s clothing, give them wisdom, understanding, and knowledge, etc. Essentially, I asked Him to give them the help they need as they grow in Him.

I should have expected what was coming next. When we become aware of a need it’s usually because He wants us to help meet it. He asked me a question:

“So how are you going to help them?”

Eventually I got the picture. He expects me to help in greater ways than I have been. God wants me to get out there to the people instead of waiting for them to find me. There are several facets to this new focus, but a big one is TikTok.

I’ve had an account for years and enjoyed following a variety of people, supporting them with my likes and comments. I soon realized what when God asked the question He was preparing my assignment. One thing He wanted was for me to become active on TikTok, to share the light in that place.

I’m a word person. I write books. I blog. I offer a newsletter. But, though I once spoke at homeschool conferences, I had zero experience in this new type of communication. The whole idea intimidated me so much that I asked a dear friend to be praying for me. I felt like He expected more than I was capable of.

Lesson Relearned:
Never underestimate God’s ability to make you able.

This feels like one of those times when He is qualifying the called instead of calling the qualified. Nonetheless, things are going well. Every day I learn new things, which is a miracle given the mental issues I dealt with only a few years ago. (Trauma does that to you.)

You can find me @tmcardwell if you’re interested.

While I don’t yet know what I should consider excellent where engagement is concerned, I’m happy with what I’m seeing. And you know what? I’m having fun.

I’m also genuinely helping people. Not everything shows up publicly, but the private conversations show I’m on the right path. Most importantly, I know I’m doing what He asked me to do. And, really, that’s all He requires – simple obedience.

So let me offer you a word of encouragement today. If God tells you to do something that seems impossible, take His word for it and step out. No matter what it looks like, He knows what He’s talking about. And when He calls you to do something He will equip you to get it done.

I mentioned trauma in passing, but it’s a significant side note. Trauma can destroy you but, no matter how broken you are, God can restore what you’ve lost!

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

How God Talked Me Into TikTok

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

After Charlie Kirk was assassinated, I witnessed what can only be called a spiritual revolution on TikTok. Between posts and comments, I saw hundreds of people who hadn’t even had God on their radar suddenly coming to Jesus.

Something supernatural was happening – still is.

I’ve tried to support and comment on these posts as much as I could, and I’ve prayed. Oh, how I’ve prayed. I’ve been concerned for these newborn Christians because those are ones the devil so likes to attack, to draw into deception.

At some point last month, it seemed like God was asking me, “So how are you going to help them?”

Um…

I’ve been a lurker on the clock app for years. Well, not really a lurker, because as I said I comment and support. I’ve come to appreciate a great many of these creators. But becoming one of them – putting myself out there and making TikToks – was another thing entirely.

I couldn’t conceive of it. Oh, I could in theory like the idea, but when it came to seriously considering following through and doing it… That was a different story. Besides, God hadn’t come out and told me to start creating; He’d just asked how I was going to help.

Then it happened. Suddenly my FYP was filled with creators talking about creating. One explained that you don’t always have to do videos; you can post text and photos too. So I did one – a picture of my book with a brief explanation – and felt pretty good about it. So I did another. And another.

Don’t get too excited: As of right now I’ve only done five TikTok posts and about as many stories.

If you read yesterday’s article, When God Grows Your Faith, you know God has asked me to do some things lately that seemed impossible. This was one of them. He eventually did ask me to start creating on TikTok. For real.

So for real, if you’re interested, you can find me @tmcardwell. I post as Tammy M. Cardwell Author.

But back to my story. God was merciful on this one, leading me into this new thing gently and not giving me my assignment until I was at least relatively comfortable. But there is an assignment, and I am working on it. 

I’ve ordered my light, and I’m waiting for my video expert friend to recommend the right mic for my budget. He won’t be able to come help me stage for these videos until after the first of the year, I don’t think, but once I have the tools and know how to use them, I’ll start working with what I’ve got.

In the meantime, I’m working on ideas.

Like I said yesterday, the Christian life is all about walking by faith. It’s trusting that when God tells you to do something He’s already got the road mapped out in front of you. All you have to do is listen and, as Isaiah 30:21 tells us:

“You will hear a word spoken behind you, saying,
‘This is the correct way, walk in it,’ whether you
are heading to the right or the left.”

Random Note: I can never read those words without flashing back to Gandalf with his hand on Frodo’s shoulder, telling him which way to go.

Each step may seem uncertain, but with each step I take I see God proving Himself faithful. He’s turning what once felt impossible into “done.”

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

When God Grows Your Faith

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about this quote from Hudson Taylor lately.

“There are three stages to every great work of God;
first it is impossible, then it is difficult, then it is done.”

God has been asking me to do things, lately, that seem impossible, so I guess it’s no surprise that this quote came to mind.

“What do you mean by ‘impossible,’ Tammy?”

I mean that, when you look at my circumstances and experience, God is literally asking me to do things I cannot possibly do. 

Have you ever considered something and, even as you thought, “No,” you undeniably heard God speak to your spirit a solid, “Yes”? I did earlier this month. On the outside I looked calm and collected. On the inside a battle raged. My flesh, which was being told to step out of the way, was in a heated argument with my spirit.

But my spirit was leaping up and down. God had spoken to me, clearly, about this specific situation. And when God speaks that clearly, not only am I limited to one option – obedience – but I also have a guarantee that He’s not going to let me fail.

My flesh didn’t believe a word of it.

Flesh: “But you know how you get when learning new things frustrates you; you shut down.”

Spirit: “Not this time! God’s standing right here assuring me I won’t!”

Flesh: “What about the financial commitment you’re making? You haven’t budgeted for anything like this!”

Spirit: “God has, obviously, or He wouldn’t be telling me to do it.”

During the battle I was reminded of both Hudson Taylor’s quote and something a character in a book once said. I can’t remember what he said, exactly, but it was along the lines of, “Of course I don’t know how God is going to work it out. That’s what makes it so exciting!”

Even then, the battle wasn’t over.

The next morning, I was still struggling, doubting that I was truly hearing from God, so I fell back on my tried-and-true decision making strategy. It’s a principle my pastor taught many years ago: God always leads with peace.

So, when faced with a hard decision, I decide. In this case (because I had a feeling it was the wrong choice), I first decided I wasn’t going to do it; I was going to pass up the opportunity I was being given. And I was filled with…complacency.

I will interject here that I’ve advised people about this process many times and I always explain that only God can give you peace; the closest the devil can get is complacency. I’ve never experienced it like this before, however. Generally, the wrong choice has resulted in a churning stomach.

But yeah, I felt total and complete complacency, like a sleeper who chooses to roll over and go back to sleep because he isn’t in the mood to face the day. It disturbed me so that I quickly decided to obey God.

Not only did peace instantly flood my soul when I said, “Yes,” to God: I got excited!

And then something occurred to me. Actually, I’m going to say God revealed it to me, because this is a thought I’ve never had.

We are to live by faith. We know this. Scripture after scripture tells us we’re to walk by faith, to grow and strengthen our faith, that we’re to have works associated with our faith, that we can’t please God without faith…

I’ll stop. But you get the idea.

My faith is as strong as it is because living with my husband required it. When you’re moving essentially from one crisis to another, either you’ll build your faith up or you’ll let yourself be torn down – and I was not going to let myself be torn down!

Even in the year after he passed, my faith grew as it was stretched by my financial and housing situations, but in the past year or so…not so much. And I didn’t realize it until recently, but that steady season had quietly allowed my faith muscles to relax. 

But, again, that’s not what we’re called to do. I have come to believe that, if we’re not consciously choosing to stretch and work our faith, which is what is required for it to grow, God will lead us into situations where stretching and building up our faith is a necessity.

Now that I think about it, this is the second time He’s done that in recent months. Something else happened a few months ago that demanded I put my faith out there and trust Him, and I was excited to find I was able, that I was looking forward to seeing how He would take care of things. I still am.

So…yeah… Faith – trusting God – is not just important; it’s essential. We can’t just say we trust Him; our lives have to show it. And when they do, He’ll often lead us straight into the impossible.

But once our focus is fully on Him, we’ll realize it was never impossible after all. It may be difficult, yes, but at some point…it will be done.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

What Do I Say?

Tammy M Cardwell2 Comments

I was in an uncomfortable position, recently. (Understatement Alert)

I’d received a message – heartfelt, pain-filled, and laced with anger – that I knew I needed to respond to. But I didn’t know how.

So, I waited.

I’ve learned that, when my heart is stirred like it was at that point, my first reaction is not usually going to be the best one. In this instance I wasn’t even being asked to respond, not directly, but it was clear I was expected to. So yes, I waited.

I waited until I’d had time to step away from it, to breathe, to do other things and give God a chance to speak. Interestingly, He used TikTok, of all things, to remind me of truths I already knew, but hadn’t put together to apply to this moment.

When God nudged me, letting me know it was time, I returned to the message.

Before I started typing, I prayed:
“You’ve got to give me the words. I can’t do this without you.”

I knew the direction He wanted to go. I knew my heart was in the right place. I just didn’t trust myself to get it right.

And God did what He always does.
He gave me the words.

They sounded like me: If you read them, you’d know I wrote them. But I only typed what He told me to say. Even a part I initially left out, feeling like it would be “too much,” He had me go back and add, and I’m glad I did.

Because I waited.
Because I listened.
Because I trusted.
He gave me the words.

I Knew He would.

I learned this lesson long ago, before my first experience as a conference speaker. I’d done everything I knew to do. I’d researched, studied, prayed, outlined… But I was still unsure of myself. 

As I’d talked to Him about it, God had reassured me:
If He gave Moses the right words, He would do the same for me.

And He did.

My workshops went well, and I’d learned something new and vital. What God did for Moses He really is willing to do for me.

And for you.

He created us. He knows our strengths – and our weaknesses. He understands our messy emotions and our tendency to speak when silence is the better choice – or to hesitate, remaining silent when someone needs hope.

He knows how much we want to represent Him well – not misrepresent Him!
He knows we want to make things better – not worse!

The good news is…

He’s willing to help.
Not just with strength.
Not just with courage.
But with the very words we need to say.

Left to our own devices, we might make a tense situation even worse.
We might miss an opportunity to bring peace, healing, or truth.

But with God?

With God, yes.

We can know what to say.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

God Has a Reason

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

Story time, and it’s a story with three lessons.
1. When God says, “Move,” you need to move.
2. When you know you need help, ask Him.
3. When He tells you what to do, do what He says.

WHEN GOD SAID, “MOVE.”

I was having a rough night. Allergies ruled and I could not settle down to sleep even though I’d been in bed for quite a while. In the midst of my struggles, God told me to get up and use my neti pot. I didn’t want to, but I’ve been trying to practice quick obedience, so I did. I got up, turned on the light, and headed to the sink.

As I was washing the neti pot afterwards, I literally said something along the lines of, “Well, I don’t know why you had me do that; it doesn’t seem to have done anything.” And it hadn’t, not really, BUT.

I should stop a moment and explain that after the horrible reaction I had to all of the gnat bites back in June/July, I got a gnat tent (Like a mosquito tent, but with tinier openings) for my bed, and it’s still there. I’ve about decided it’s going to stay there, to be honest.

So I got back to the bed, pulled aside the curtain, and saw why God had me get out of bed. It wasn’t because I needed to use my neti pot. It was because there were two of us inside my tent and He knew what would happen if the other came upon me unawares. That’s my Kindle in the lower right corner, so you can see how big it was.

Yes, I’m now aware this is a wolf spider, which would not have hurt me and is beneficial, but I remind you that this giant spider was trapped inside the tent with me, in the dark. God alone knows what would have happened if it had crawled on me in the middle of the night. As I stood facing the thing, we were both frozen. I knew I was in trouble if I didn’t handle this the right way, and I know next to nothing about spider behavior. So…

I KNEW I NEEDED HELP.
I ASKED THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD HELP ME.

As I stood there, I recognized that I was way out of my element. The spider had to not only leave my tent, but also my little apartment or I might never have peace again. I literally told God, “This one’s on You. You are going to have to handle this because I can’t!”

He told me to step outside and get the net we use to sweep leaves up off the surface of the pool. I had no idea the net was even there because It’s often attached to the pole, but I slowly crossed to the door, never taking my eyes off the spider, and took a super quick glance outside to find that the net was exactly where He said it would be.

Then I stood there, glancing back and forth between spider and net, and informed God that He had to make the thing stay right where it was. Does it sound like I was desperate? Good, because I was.

I DID WHAT HE TOLD ME TO.
I DID IT THE WAY HE SAID TO DO IT.

I was back at the bed, net in hand, in about two seconds, controlling my breathing and reminding myself that God always has my back. Again, I was talking to Him, telling Him I needed precise instructions so I wouldn’t blow my part of this adventure. (No, I didn’t think of it as an adventure at the time, but I can laugh about it now.)

God told me to move slowly and to gently put the side of the net right by the spider. I did, and that spider stepped onto the net as pretty as you please while I stared in shock. I then moved very slowly, backing out of the bed and heading for the door. I only disturbed it once on the way out; it was actually a lot more calm than I was.

I would love to say I settled right down to sleep after the spider and I parted ways. I didn’t. Every time I thought about what could have happened if the thing had crawled on me in the middle of the night, I thanked God one more time for telling me to get out of bed. I had that thought and reaction over and over for hours. In fact, this situation made me even happier that I’m aphantasic, because as a total aphant my imagination couldn’t toss visual possibilities at me, only concepts.

We live and we learn, and sometimes we just get reminded of basic truths. God knows what’s going on, and if He tells us to do something there’s always a reason. Unlike this particular experience, we don’t always actually see His plan, but we can be confident that He has one and trust that our obedience is serving a purpose.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Give Me More Options!

Tammy M CardwellLeave a comment

I recently set up a poll in a Facebook group. I had a specific reason for asking what I did, and intentionally only offered two options. It was an either/or poll, a this/or that question, which I thought I made clear in the post text. Within minutes, two more options had been added by other group members, options that had zero connection to my actual question, and people were choosing them. 

I’m pretty laid back, but this bugged me. By adding those other two options, the participants completely negated the whole purpose of the post where I was concerned. I even stopped going back to look at it because, honestly, there was nothing I felt I could do to redeem it. Their messing up my plan irked me and, yes, I dwelt on my frustration for a bit. But then, as I calmed myself down, I heard God whispering, and saw something that had never really been clear to me before.

The fact is this refusal to admit that some situations offer limited choices is a huge part of our problem in society today. We now live in a world where it is virtually unacceptable to ask either/or questions, to give only two options.

Male or female?
   No, I want to be something else. 

Married or single?
   No, I want a committed relationship without a marriage covenant. 

One spouse?
   Are you crazy? I want more. 

Good or evil?
   No, I make my own rules and I serve neither good nor evil. 

Saved or lost?
   Nah uh, there is no Heaven or Hell and I’m going to be reincarnated. 

We live in a world where it would seem
that black and white are disappearing,
leaving us with nothing but gray.

But it’s not true. Bearing eternity in mind, there is no gray. There is no fence that we can be on. No matter how hard we try to convince ourselves that we can live by our own rules instead of God’s, His rules still apply. He is still the One on the throne. He still has final say.

Those people who botched my poll by adding their own answers that had nothing to do with my question frustrated me, but they didn’t really hurt anyone. The people who try to add more options to God’s list, however? They are creating eternal problems, and not just for themselves.

“Choose you this day whom you will serve…”
Joshua 24:15


Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Do the Small Things

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Do you remember those stories from the Bible where God asked people to do something relatively simple and then He all-out went supernatural on them?

He’s still in the same business today, and this blog is a great example of Him at work.

You are probably well aware that authors write not only because we are compelled to, but because we want to reach people, share our excitement about new things we’re learning, offer suggestions for life…whatever. In my case in particular, you get a true hodge podge of American History, living with a narcissist, aphantasia, my tiny house, a lot of Jesus, and we – even I – never know what randomness to expect.

But it’s not really totally random. I try to be led by God in all things. I have dreams, and for the most part they’re dreams He has given me. Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.” I firmly believe that He gives us those desires, meaning He plants them in our hearts, and then He fulfills them. He does that with me on a regular basis. Knowing this is how He operates, I really do consciously go to Him for direction, especially for this blog He has called me to maintain.

So, when he asks me to do the small things, I try to be faithful to do them, and in recent months He’s gone supernatural on – in a huge way.

First, He had me write Understanding Your Aphant. Then, right after I posted it, He had me share it in an aphantasia support group on Facebook to see if there were any ways in which I could improve it. There were some excellent suggestions, and I implemented a few.

I was unaware that someone in that group had contact with Aphantasia.com, and that person brought my blog post to their attention. The result was that they published it as an article on the website and started pushing traffic toward tammycardwell.com. I was blown away by the response. As I said, I write with a heart that desires to help people. And the more people you have reading what you write, the more people you can help!

But that was just a taste of what was to come. I still can’t get over this next one.

I recently joined a Small Spaces group on Facebook to get more ideas for my tiny house. After I’d been there a day or so, at His prompting, I shared about my home and what I’m doing in it. It was a simple post with a few photos, nothing great.

It was a small thing.

The simple post exploded with comments and questions. In answering, I shared the link to this blog, pointing out my Tiny House series, so that anyone who was interested could come read those posts and get far more details than I could offer up in post comments.

Again, I just shared a link. A small thing.

Within a very few minutes, I was getting notifications that I was experiencing “unprecedented traffic.” On that day this blog, which generally gets less than 100 views a day, got almost 9,000 views from nearly 4,000 visitors all over the world. That’s thousands of people seeing my website for the first time, visiting for one topic and hopefully getting some Jesus while they were here. (If you know me at all, you know where my true priorities lie.)

And, vitally important, because of one seemingly insignificant comment I made, I had the opportunity to encourage some women who are dealing with serious issues I’ve dealt with personally. This was a huge honor; one I cannot overemphasize. After all, the greatest thing about coming through trials is being able to help others see hope while they walk that same path.

So yes, I have recently had more reminders that God is our dream keeper, and have seen once again that all I have to do is what He tells me to. He didn’t tell me to do big things. He told me to do small things.

Do the small things.

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C

Drop it!

Tammy M Cardwell1 Comment

Have you ever seen a dog chewing on something that would potentially harm it, and watched the owner give the sharp command, “Drop it!”?

Twice this week I’ve heard God say, “Drop it!”

The first time was when worry was trying to set in. Having dealt with anxiety and depression in the past, worry is a dangerous thing for me to be chewing on. Nevertheless, I was letting myself dwell on a certain mistake I’d made, and all of its possible repercussions, when I heard God’s voice. “Drop it!”

After I paused and intentionally dropped it, taking control of my thought processes, I had the vision of the owner and his dog. I laughed, and realized this particular lesson is one I’ll remember.

Then, today, I was mulling over how someone had misrepresented me. I know it sounds shallow, but that’s something I really don’t appreciate. The thing is, when you continue to dwell on something like that, chewing on thoughts of how offensive someone’s actions are, you venture into the realm of unforgiveness, which is seriously dangerous territory. I was headed in that direction when, once again, I heard the command, “Drop it!”

Dropping those thoughts took a little more effort, and some help from God, but I got me under control and I thank Him for it. I cannot afford to get into the sin of unforgiveness. I can’t afford to let anything at all hinder my walk with God.

So yeah…

When He says those words, I’m gonna make like the dog and drop it!

Celebrating Jesus!
Tammy C